Cockbite Quote of the Indeterminate Time Period

"I'm a nice guy when I'm not being an asshole."

I Knew My Mom Was A Hot Lady, But This Is Ridiculous

Easter festivities at Chez Ramsperger have been cancelled on account of Mom burning up with fever. And just when the focus of conversation at work was said Easter festivities. I had picked up extra Easter candy on account of a distinct lack of fresh Cadbury Creme Eggs, which has through this purchase, been rectified. That's the best part of Easter since the egg hunts fell off around my neck of the woods, and I don't know any retailer around here that's doing egg hunts for adults like the one I heard about on the Eyewitness Newsreel last night (up in some Eastern state with jewelry inside the eggs). Le sigh.

I Do Have My Moments

Most of the time, I'm afflicted by the syndrome of witty remarks coming to mind roughly five to fifteen minutes after the perfect time for them. But when I'm on my game, I come up with gems such as this one...

Customer (upon seeing my grimacing): Must be having one of those days your mother didn't tell you you'd have...
Me: Actually, Mother did tell me I'd have days like this. I just wasn't expecting four of them all at once.

I broke said customer, not to mention the cockbite, up with laughter at that one.

Happy Easter, Blog Nation... now enjoy Nickelback.

Dishmover My Butt

We are more or less settled into the new place, but we still don't have our satellite hook-up yet! And the slackasses down our way have us pencilled in all right... for NEXT. WEEK.

Dish Network: Great shows, but God help you if you ever move!

Song of the Indeterminate Time Period, 28 March 2K4, Part the First

No time now for losing tempers
Or filling up with rage or anger
Flying off the handle could be detrimental
Calmer heads are called for here

A breath or two might be applied
We'll count to ten and then decide
Rash decision, crash collision
Damage done beyond repair

Kinder words here we could pick
A kind approach might do the trick
Hurt you, hurt me, well, that needs to stop
Kinder words here we could choose
We kinda got a lot to lose
The temperature, we need that to drop

A wrong move now might spell disaster
A selfish one might spell it faster
Let's relax, review the facts
For all involved, it might be best

A world of difference might be made
If our next move could be delayed
We'll sort it out and we'll talk about
Just what it was that caused this mess

Kinder words here we could pick
A kind approach might do the trick
Hurt you, hurt me, that's the worst thing we could do
Kinder words here we could choose
We kinda got a lot to lose
Watch what we say, don't walk away, we'll see it through

[lead break]

Kinder words here we could pick
A kind approach might do the trick
Hurt you, hurt me, well, that needs to stop
Kinder words here we could choose
We kinda got a lot to lose
The temperature, we need that to drop

-- The Mighty Mighty Bosstones
"Kinder Words"
Question the Answers (1994)

Song of the Indeterminate Time Period, 28 March 2K4, Part the Second

The Champs, "Tequila"

Honorable Mention goes to "Jose Cuervo" by Shelly West, but the gender-specific pronouns and situations tend to be the deal breaker there.

Reason for the selection is simple. We've been getting into making homemade lemonade in the back, and it's pretty darn tasty. Even Mike the manager likes it. Since most of our crew is Hispanic, we started jokingly referring to it as "tequila".

Ladies And Gentlemen, We Have A Winner...

The steam table at work has these detachable bars for holding food pans up. Over the course of a day, these can get rather grody with the leavings of sauces, chicken bits, and what not. Now, normally, these get trucked into the back to be washed with the rest of the dishes. But one guy at work makes no bones about his flat-out refusal to do them. And scrubbing them up front simply Does Not Work with the meager dishcleaning resources available there. It should be noted that nobody else at work, not even the aforementioned Femcockbite, has this problem, preferring to do them up like good little team players. So I toss them into the dishwater, and he chucks them into the sanitizing sink without doing them one bit.

So, B.B. (and I ain't talking about the EMTette tabledriven by the Dudleyz at the first Smackdown! I ever went to live), you are forthwith dubbed a certified Cockbite.

Guess Who's Back? Back Again?

Rob's back off hiatus, and so am I!

Here's his take on the whole situation (less his Closed Captions for the Thinking Impaired):

"Things that have happened since I put my blog on hiatus:
Johnny B got fired.
Butch lost his girl.
Jay lost his girl.
Mikedean turned into a giant uptight dork. (Just kidding. Maybe. BITCH.).
Brock Lesnar left the WWE for football
Matt Spaulding ended up owing on his taxes.
The switch on Easy's brain didn't work. And they brought back the Mullets in spite of his fervent hatred.

Clearly, this blog must be restored or Blog Nation will be homeless in boxes."

Alk is more excited about his move than anybody is entitled to. Of course, he's been in the whole apartment routine ever since I've known him, so getting something with an honest to God yard is thrilling for him. My new digs have an honest to God front yard and fenced-in backyard too, except this is the first time in oh, say, nine years off and on I've been living with my parents that said yards do not contain livestock.

Speaking of mullets, I have officially seen everything as far as mullets go. There was a guy in the store tonight with his head shaved clean, except for the nape of his neck, which was doing the mullet thing. I suppose you might call that a "bal-mullet" or something.

KHAAAAAAAAANNNNN!!!!!!!!!

This seems to sum things up nicely across Blog Nation, methinks.

Here's why:

• Butch's newfound flame drops the Dreaded F-Bomb (and I am not talking about For Unlawful Carnal Knowledge)


• Right about the same time my own newfound flame did so


• Rob T's on blogging hiatus


• Johnny B essentially got screwed out of his (admittedly shite) job


• I got in to work to find that I was short by $40-50 last week with no clue as to how that happened (Instant writeup, just add water)


• Brock Lesnar may be going to play football full time as opposed to wrestling


• My folks are moving over the course of the next two weeks (and as anybody who knows me will tell you, moving is an event I welcome as enthusiastically as oral surgery sans anesthesia)

Good things as of late:

• Chris is back in the States


• Wrestlemania XX results, for the most part -- Cena, Eddy, and Benoit went over (nice to see the traditional underdogs get their time in the sun)


• I got named Recruit Chief Petty Officer of the DEP recruits for Naval Recruiting Station Kerrville (Sailor Jay is gonna make things happen, provided he survives boot)

And They Say Swords & Sorcery Movies Get Shafted By The Academy...

This past weekend, Lord of the Rings: The Return Of The King won every Academy Award it was nominated for, incuding Best Picture. This vote by the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences averted worldwide nerd riots. ;)

In Other Movie News

So my grandma got me a seat for a showing of The World's Most Expensive Passion Play, which you will only have not heard of if you have spent this year and the last living under a rock. And what some have said is true: you don't watch it, you live it.

I am issuing an open challenge to everybody who reads this, no matter what your use for Judeo-Christian teachings is, to watch the flogging scene without wincing or flinching. I've seen a bunch of gory films in my time, and I couldn't watch that and not flinch. It literally moved my mom to tears.

So I get back to my favorite IRC channel, and one of the regulars, who happens to be one of the most irreverent people I know, asks "Whodunnit?"

My response: "If I were God, the High Priest of the Sanhedrin would be on the Go To Hell, Go Straight To Hell, Do Not Pass Go, Do Not Collect 200 Shekels List."

Briefly...

A little quote from Gryphon that caught my fancy: "There are the huge, towering problems that sometimes seem completely insurmountable and demoralizing, like my apparent inability to get hired by anyone who isn't a complete asshole, or the fact that I'm living in a timid century and won't live to see the next great age of exploration, or the way the government seems to get a little more sinister and manipulative every day and there doesn't seem to be anything anyone can do to stop it.

And then there are the things that are just really, really annoying."

I could think of millions of things and people at my job that fit the latter description: the alarms on the freezer doors that go off whenever we're too harried to close them; the people who answer "fried rice" when you ask them what kind of rice they want, like they can't see that you have THREE DIFFERENT VARIETIES of said food right under their noses; and the one PITA coworker who had the unmitigated GALL to say I never help with the cleaning, even though I went to do the dishes and was instructed by our collective manager to go up front to help the servers out because we were getting slammed, and on top of all that, this witch was within earshot when I offered to clean the front windows on the heat table that everybody and their dog who comes through the line loves to put their fingers on, only to be instructed to stay on the serving line and help there.

Congratulations, V.G., you are the first female cockbite to be recorded since I started documenting them.

Memewatch (Third-Hand Version)

This is third-hand because I got it from Chris (who got it from Matt):



create your own personalized map of the USA
or write about it on the open travel guide

And now, my own comparably pathetic list of countries:



create your own visited country map
or write about it on the open travel guide

Song of the Indeterminate Time Period

Don't look now, things just got worse
I'm drunk again
I swear, this crescent is just a curse
I got here... by killing off all my friends
I think I've figured it out
My life begins when the fun ends

I got my wings
I'm free to go as I please
Yeah, I got my wings
Now nothing really pleases me

'Til everything falls apart
Then I get to try to put it back together
Yeah, it falls apart
And you can count on that
You can count on bad, bad weather again

Was it good?
I don't remember much about it
When things start to feel right
You can count on me to start to doubt it
And the devil's not in the details
No, the devil is in my pants
And it's shoot first, apologize later
Another quick and new sure-shot romance

Well, I got what I wanted
Now I don't want anything
Yeah, I got what I wanted
Now my life is just boring

'Til everything falls apart
Then I get to try to put it back together
Yeah, it falls apart
And you can count on that
You can count on bad weather this year

I met God this afternoon
Riding on an uptown train
I said, "Don't You have better things to do?"
He said, "If I do My job, what would you complain about?
So I let it go to hell, now I'll have something to do"
He said, "I'll let it go to hell
Does that sound familiar to you?"

Well, everything falls apart
Then I get to try to put it back together
Yeah, it falls apart
And you can count on that
You can count on bad, bad weather--

Well, everything that falls apart, baby
Sooner or later, gonna come back together
Well, everything that comes together, hey,
Sooner or later gonna fall apart again
And you can call it anything you want
They're gonna take it all away from you
You're gonna wake up, wake up, wake up,
And find yourself lost again...

-- Dog's Eye View
"Everything Falls Apart"
Happy Nowhere (1997)

The Day The "B~~!" Died

Let me tell you a story about my man Roger over in the bakery. His official position, as near as I can tell, is Store Brand French Bread Hawker. What makes him special is when he gets on the store intercom to do his hawking, several times a day. It's not so much the pitch as the way he caps it off. He does this the way I think Butch would if he had Roger's job.

"As always, we'd like to thank you for shopping H-E-B~~!"

The tilde-bangs don't do it justice. It's the kind of 'B' pronunciation you'd expect to hear in a nightclub. It generally made a lot of people's day whenever he'd be working and deliver that line.

Now, imagine my surprise when I get into work today and hear Roger's voice over the intercom, and the line comes. This time, the HEB part ends the way everybody else says it. So I run into him while he's gone to the front to hawk bread and I'm coming back with more quarters for my till (a lot of people LOVE to break twenties on me), and I ask him about it.

It turns out that a small minority of old fogies customers had an issue with The B~~! Line, and took it up with management, who then quietly convinced Roger to stop the practice.

Hello, y'all, my name is Jay R., I'm white, and I'm damned ashamed of it.

I Should Be Getting Used To This, But...

So I got called down to San Antonio to spend the night with my sister and her family because Dad was worried about potential ice on the road. Why I'm in San Antonio is something that is quite frankly not for public consumption. I had planned on leaving the house around 7:30 before this thing came up, namely that my sister and brother-in-law (or as I like to call them, Lucky Muthafugga and Wife) are spending the weekend in the City of Lights. Yep, they're going to Paris. And I get the job of trucking their brood back to Kerrville.

Anyway, I am awakened at 0545 by the plaintive cries of my nephew, who has managed to soil himself overnight and is calling for his mother in the way of the very young. By the time the smoke clears, I am on the road at 0700. After a wrong turn down Loop 410 (construction making most arteries in Northwest SA look a lot alike), I arrive at my destination an hour and a half early.

You guessed it... hurry up and wait.

Son of Cheesy Puns

Am I the only one who looks at an advertising blurb for Metal Gear Solid: The Twin Snakes (or MGS Goes GameCube!) and has the phrase "Forget it, Snake, it's Chinatown" run through his head?

I Know This Is A Week Old, But...

I swear, Janet's boob got more press than the finish of the game, which was one of the more fantastic ones in recent memory. I didn't see said nipplege personally, as the family took halftime at the dinner table. You know a finish is fantastic if it can tear you away from Neverwinter Nights to see it. The real Carolina Panthers showed up in the second half, much to my grandmother's delight (she simply didn't like the grabby grabby of Old England's second half game).

However, in the end, it came down to boots: that of John Kasay, who shanked the kickoff following the TD that capped the Panthers' comeback, giving the Pats the ball at the 40; and that of Adam Vinatieri, who once again proved clutch after missing one FG and having his only other attempt before this one blocked. Kasay seems destined to add his name next to Ian Montgomery, Scott Norwood, and the other placekickers who blew it when the game was on the line.

The Things You Think About While Working...

[WARNING: Cheesy puns ahead! You have been warned.]

o/~ Soy... un tenedor... I'm an utensil, baby, so why don't you use me? o/~

Now, Do You Want Your Crow On The Dinner Combo, Or The Super Combo?

(Chinese Kitchen joke, y'all. Sorry.)

In the end, it turned out that Bill Simmons's rule about the Detmers being one hard QB hit away from warming up on the sidelines held sway.

Way to go, Philly chumpstains. You snookered Chris, Rob, and most importantly, me. The conference championship weekend gave us all a lesson in just how smart we aren't, and made me take note that Carolina coach John Fox's defensive skills were highly underrated by this circle.

Now, if you can beat New England in my home state this coming Sunday, then I might just take my hat off to ya.

I strongly doubt it, though.

In other news, I'd play some Whitesnake (namely "Is This Love?") for Butch, but others are picking the music better than me.

Mandatory Football Picks Post

Carolina @ Philly

QB Quality: Donovan F. McNabb (known quality) v. Jake Delhomme (unknown quality). Advantage: Philly

Coaching Quality: I couldn't tell you the name of Carolina's coach, but he's done well to get the Panthers to this point. However, Quincy Carter was shakier than a Jenga tower and Mike Martz was a pussy (37 seconds left, inside the red zone, one timeout left, and you play for the TIE?!). Donovan McNabb isn't (at least this year), and Andy Reid certainly isn't. Advantage: Philly

Running Game: Stephen Davis on bum wheels (and understudies) v. The Incredibly Annoying (fantasy-wise) Running Game By Committee. Advantage: PUSH

Defense (Front 7): Advantage: PUSH
(Secondary): Advantage: Philly

My Pick: Philly

Indianapolis @ New England

QB Quality: Peyton Manning, Born Again Hard v. Tom Brady, Super Bowl Veteran. This will be telling in that so much of both their offenses are pass-oriented. Slight Advantage: Indy

Coaching Quality: Tony Dungy v. Bill Bellichick (sp?), two men in the upper echelon of NFL coaches. However, one has been to a Super Bowl and won, the other has not. Slight Advantage: Old England

Running Game: Edgerrin James v. the iffy Antowain Smith. If the weather turns nasty, look for Edge to have a big day. Advantage: Indy

Kicking Game: Vanderjagt is fairly good, as his string of FGs can attest to. But Adam Vinateri is clutch like he was in the Super Bowl, and proved to be the deciding factor against Teh Flaming Thumbtacks. Advantage: Old England

My Pick: I'd really like Indy to win this, but New England's going to be TOUGH to beat at home. However, you can count on at least one game a playoff weekend running 180 degrees from popular opinion... If I had the money, I'd not be betting a lot of it on this game.

Briefly...

So I managed to eke out a 6th place finish in the Jacksux League, despite my timeshare in the cellar during the regular season. Johnny B, the Ewok who cockblocked me on Priest muthafuggin' Holmes, ended up winning the trophy. Lesson: He who controls Priest muthafuggin' Holmes, controls the league.

You know you play too much Guilty Gear or hang around fans of that game too much when you see people from a new church proleystizing on the busiest intersection in town, holding a sign that says "Heaven or Hell?" and the first thought in your head is... "DUEL 1... LET'S ROCK!"

Song Verse of the Indeterminate Time Period, on or about 16 January 2K4

You juice your fuckin' friends like Dracula
But when we kick you out, you're just broke-ula
You left a big surprise from Pacific Bell
Called all your relatives and your friends in Hell
Now let me tell you something
You fuckin' piece of shit
You'll never have no money
Now tell me, was it worth it?
You leave a trail of lies
That's why you keep moving
We won't come after you
We'd only end up proving
In the end, revenge sends ends to the defendant
I know that statement's true
I wear it like a pendant
I know you'll hear this song
And so I think it's funny
The name is T-------- H----
Thief of trust and money

311
"Silver"
Grassroots (1994)

Real friends don't pay their friends for services rendered with rubber checks, and make them wait over five months (and counting) to make good on them.

You know who you are, fucktard.

A Farewell To Cockbites, or I Get Canned More Than Tuna

This was part of the mammoth post I had together until M$AIEEE decided it wanted to suck. Some of you already know that I got canned from the job I had the last time I wrote about the cockbite. What you may not already know is that it took me the better part of a month to find a replacement. I'll be frying rice at a supermarket chinese place for a while. Wish me luck...

Briefly...

• Chris, you're being too kind by wishing both cancer and AIDS upon your identity thief. Two words, my friend: Ebola Zaire.



• The Condemning Church has changed its name to something more friendly. The word I got was that the pastor made the initial name change to prove a point. I'll have a photo of the signs in front as soon as I can get a camera out there and scan the pic in.



• No new Red vs. Blue because the guys are snowed under in Chicago? FUCKING JIHAD ON COLD FRONTS!

Memewatch



Congratulations! You're Merry!

Which Lord of the Rings character and personality problem are you?
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You are naturally born with a gift, whether it be
poetry, writing or song. You love beauty and
creativity, and usually are highly intelligent.
Others view you as mysterious and dreamy, yet
also bold since you hold firm in your beliefs.

What Type of Soul Do You Have ?
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Which Guilty Gear X character are you?

Mutha-pusbucket...

I get a good-sized post together, and M$AIEEEEE eats it! :P

NP: Drowning Pool, "Tear Away"

Since it wouldn't be an entry into my blog without a reference to the cockbite, lemme get that out of the way first. I've found myself testing ancient video cards and performing dissections of old boxen at work, and that means I have access to a net-connected computer to look up various specs and what not. I've been listening to the net.feeds of my favorite SA radio station, which frees me from listening to what I've taken to calling KockBITe-FM Kerrville. This also means I've been getting the net-only commercials as well, which sound indistinguishable from email spam (as two out of the three are ads for Male Climax Helper Du Jour), but I digress.

Cockbite also uses this box to surf during lunch. And he closes all the windows when he's done. One of those windows is the internet radio feed, which only slightly miffs me. So I leave a notepad message kindly asking him not to close the windows I have open when he gets done, telling him I don't mind if he uses this box to surf, basically being a nice guy about it.

Cockbite responds in character:

This is not your computer to mind. If you didn't have so many windows open, I wouldn't have to close them, or the pop-ups.

You handle picking and packing, bucko. I would think that I'm the primary user of this system, even though you and I both know damn well that we're borrowing it from our collective employer.

I installed Pop-Up Stopper today, so that should take away his grounds for bitching. Not that he needs much...

There Must Be Burnination, Nay, KEELHAULING, And It Starts At Disney

Is there some kind of copy protection on the Pirates of the Caribbean DVD that kicks in whenever it detects that the DVD player is plugged in through a RF cable? That's about the only explanation I can come up with after THREE copies of said DVD did the same damn thing when put in my DVD player, and no amount of DVD setting legerdemain could rectify it.

This Needs To Happen:

Thought while watching the UK version of Robot Wars: Get both Mick Foley and UK host Craig Charles (Lister on "Red Dwarf" for those of us not named Martin Leggett nor familiar with that series) to co-host Robot Wars. And for the love of Jaysis, KEEP THE UK PLAY-BY-PLAY ANNOUNCER!

Until then, enjoy House of Pain and their song "Beef Jerky"...

I've Heard Of Goat Lockers, But This Is Ridiculous

Well, you'd figure a cockbite-free workplace couldn't last, and it didn't. But enough about him.

I got home this fine evening to find that almost every one of our rather modest goat herd (of five) had jumped the fence into the neighbors' property. And so, me and my dad had the solemn task of hooking up the trailer and rounding the little shits up. A task which was complicated by the neighbors' goat kids deciding they wanted to see what was going on, to the point of crawling under the trailer to see.

I also would have been watching Pirates Of The Caribbean, but the DVD we picked up from the grocery store rental counter was, not to mince words here, fucked up.

I'll give you a review as soon as I get a copy that Doesn't Suck.