The Day The "B~~!" Died

Let me tell you a story about my man Roger over in the bakery. His official position, as near as I can tell, is Store Brand French Bread Hawker. What makes him special is when he gets on the store intercom to do his hawking, several times a day. It's not so much the pitch as the way he caps it off. He does this the way I think Butch would if he had Roger's job.

"As always, we'd like to thank you for shopping H-E-B~~!"

The tilde-bangs don't do it justice. It's the kind of 'B' pronunciation you'd expect to hear in a nightclub. It generally made a lot of people's day whenever he'd be working and deliver that line.

Now, imagine my surprise when I get into work today and hear Roger's voice over the intercom, and the line comes. This time, the HEB part ends the way everybody else says it. So I run into him while he's gone to the front to hawk bread and I'm coming back with more quarters for my till (a lot of people LOVE to break twenties on me), and I ask him about it.

It turns out that a small minority of old fogies customers had an issue with The B~~! Line, and took it up with management, who then quietly convinced Roger to stop the practice.

Hello, y'all, my name is Jay R., I'm white, and I'm damned ashamed of it.

I Should Be Getting Used To This, But...

So I got called down to San Antonio to spend the night with my sister and her family because Dad was worried about potential ice on the road. Why I'm in San Antonio is something that is quite frankly not for public consumption. I had planned on leaving the house around 7:30 before this thing came up, namely that my sister and brother-in-law (or as I like to call them, Lucky Muthafugga and Wife) are spending the weekend in the City of Lights. Yep, they're going to Paris. And I get the job of trucking their brood back to Kerrville.

Anyway, I am awakened at 0545 by the plaintive cries of my nephew, who has managed to soil himself overnight and is calling for his mother in the way of the very young. By the time the smoke clears, I am on the road at 0700. After a wrong turn down Loop 410 (construction making most arteries in Northwest SA look a lot alike), I arrive at my destination an hour and a half early.

You guessed it... hurry up and wait.

Son of Cheesy Puns

Am I the only one who looks at an advertising blurb for Metal Gear Solid: The Twin Snakes (or MGS Goes GameCube!) and has the phrase "Forget it, Snake, it's Chinatown" run through his head?

I Know This Is A Week Old, But...

I swear, Janet's boob got more press than the finish of the game, which was one of the more fantastic ones in recent memory. I didn't see said nipplege personally, as the family took halftime at the dinner table. You know a finish is fantastic if it can tear you away from Neverwinter Nights to see it. The real Carolina Panthers showed up in the second half, much to my grandmother's delight (she simply didn't like the grabby grabby of Old England's second half game).

However, in the end, it came down to boots: that of John Kasay, who shanked the kickoff following the TD that capped the Panthers' comeback, giving the Pats the ball at the 40; and that of Adam Vinatieri, who once again proved clutch after missing one FG and having his only other attempt before this one blocked. Kasay seems destined to add his name next to Ian Montgomery, Scott Norwood, and the other placekickers who blew it when the game was on the line.

The Things You Think About While Working...

[WARNING: Cheesy puns ahead! You have been warned.]

o/~ Soy... un tenedor... I'm an utensil, baby, so why don't you use me? o/~

Now, Do You Want Your Crow On The Dinner Combo, Or The Super Combo?

(Chinese Kitchen joke, y'all. Sorry.)

In the end, it turned out that Bill Simmons's rule about the Detmers being one hard QB hit away from warming up on the sidelines held sway.

Way to go, Philly chumpstains. You snookered Chris, Rob, and most importantly, me. The conference championship weekend gave us all a lesson in just how smart we aren't, and made me take note that Carolina coach John Fox's defensive skills were highly underrated by this circle.

Now, if you can beat New England in my home state this coming Sunday, then I might just take my hat off to ya.

I strongly doubt it, though.

In other news, I'd play some Whitesnake (namely "Is This Love?") for Butch, but others are picking the music better than me.

Mandatory Football Picks Post

Carolina @ Philly

QB Quality: Donovan F. McNabb (known quality) v. Jake Delhomme (unknown quality). Advantage: Philly

Coaching Quality: I couldn't tell you the name of Carolina's coach, but he's done well to get the Panthers to this point. However, Quincy Carter was shakier than a Jenga tower and Mike Martz was a pussy (37 seconds left, inside the red zone, one timeout left, and you play for the TIE?!). Donovan McNabb isn't (at least this year), and Andy Reid certainly isn't. Advantage: Philly

Running Game: Stephen Davis on bum wheels (and understudies) v. The Incredibly Annoying (fantasy-wise) Running Game By Committee. Advantage: PUSH

Defense (Front 7): Advantage: PUSH
(Secondary): Advantage: Philly

My Pick: Philly

Indianapolis @ New England

QB Quality: Peyton Manning, Born Again Hard v. Tom Brady, Super Bowl Veteran. This will be telling in that so much of both their offenses are pass-oriented. Slight Advantage: Indy

Coaching Quality: Tony Dungy v. Bill Bellichick (sp?), two men in the upper echelon of NFL coaches. However, one has been to a Super Bowl and won, the other has not. Slight Advantage: Old England

Running Game: Edgerrin James v. the iffy Antowain Smith. If the weather turns nasty, look for Edge to have a big day. Advantage: Indy

Kicking Game: Vanderjagt is fairly good, as his string of FGs can attest to. But Adam Vinateri is clutch like he was in the Super Bowl, and proved to be the deciding factor against Teh Flaming Thumbtacks. Advantage: Old England

My Pick: I'd really like Indy to win this, but New England's going to be TOUGH to beat at home. However, you can count on at least one game a playoff weekend running 180 degrees from popular opinion... If I had the money, I'd not be betting a lot of it on this game.

Briefly...

So I managed to eke out a 6th place finish in the Jacksux League, despite my timeshare in the cellar during the regular season. Johnny B, the Ewok who cockblocked me on Priest muthafuggin' Holmes, ended up winning the trophy. Lesson: He who controls Priest muthafuggin' Holmes, controls the league.

You know you play too much Guilty Gear or hang around fans of that game too much when you see people from a new church proleystizing on the busiest intersection in town, holding a sign that says "Heaven or Hell?" and the first thought in your head is... "DUEL 1... LET'S ROCK!"

Song Verse of the Indeterminate Time Period, on or about 16 January 2K4

You juice your fuckin' friends like Dracula
But when we kick you out, you're just broke-ula
You left a big surprise from Pacific Bell
Called all your relatives and your friends in Hell
Now let me tell you something
You fuckin' piece of shit
You'll never have no money
Now tell me, was it worth it?
You leave a trail of lies
That's why you keep moving
We won't come after you
We'd only end up proving
In the end, revenge sends ends to the defendant
I know that statement's true
I wear it like a pendant
I know you'll hear this song
And so I think it's funny
The name is T-------- H----
Thief of trust and money

311
"Silver"
Grassroots (1994)

Real friends don't pay their friends for services rendered with rubber checks, and make them wait over five months (and counting) to make good on them.

You know who you are, fucktard.

A Farewell To Cockbites, or I Get Canned More Than Tuna

This was part of the mammoth post I had together until M$AIEEE decided it wanted to suck. Some of you already know that I got canned from the job I had the last time I wrote about the cockbite. What you may not already know is that it took me the better part of a month to find a replacement. I'll be frying rice at a supermarket chinese place for a while. Wish me luck...

Briefly...

• Chris, you're being too kind by wishing both cancer and AIDS upon your identity thief. Two words, my friend: Ebola Zaire.



• The Condemning Church has changed its name to something more friendly. The word I got was that the pastor made the initial name change to prove a point. I'll have a photo of the signs in front as soon as I can get a camera out there and scan the pic in.



• No new Red vs. Blue because the guys are snowed under in Chicago? FUCKING JIHAD ON COLD FRONTS!

Memewatch



Congratulations! You're Merry!

Which Lord of the Rings character and personality problem are you?
brought to you by Quizilla



You are naturally born with a gift, whether it be
poetry, writing or song. You love beauty and
creativity, and usually are highly intelligent.
Others view you as mysterious and dreamy, yet
also bold since you hold firm in your beliefs.

What Type of Soul Do You Have ?
brought to you by Quizilla



Which Guilty Gear X character are you?

Mutha-pusbucket...

I get a good-sized post together, and M$AIEEEEE eats it! :P

NP: Drowning Pool, "Tear Away"

Since it wouldn't be an entry into my blog without a reference to the cockbite, lemme get that out of the way first. I've found myself testing ancient video cards and performing dissections of old boxen at work, and that means I have access to a net-connected computer to look up various specs and what not. I've been listening to the net.feeds of my favorite SA radio station, which frees me from listening to what I've taken to calling KockBITe-FM Kerrville. This also means I've been getting the net-only commercials as well, which sound indistinguishable from email spam (as two out of the three are ads for Male Climax Helper Du Jour), but I digress.

Cockbite also uses this box to surf during lunch. And he closes all the windows when he's done. One of those windows is the internet radio feed, which only slightly miffs me. So I leave a notepad message kindly asking him not to close the windows I have open when he gets done, telling him I don't mind if he uses this box to surf, basically being a nice guy about it.

Cockbite responds in character:

This is not your computer to mind. If you didn't have so many windows open, I wouldn't have to close them, or the pop-ups.

You handle picking and packing, bucko. I would think that I'm the primary user of this system, even though you and I both know damn well that we're borrowing it from our collective employer.

I installed Pop-Up Stopper today, so that should take away his grounds for bitching. Not that he needs much...

There Must Be Burnination, Nay, KEELHAULING, And It Starts At Disney

Is there some kind of copy protection on the Pirates of the Caribbean DVD that kicks in whenever it detects that the DVD player is plugged in through a RF cable? That's about the only explanation I can come up with after THREE copies of said DVD did the same damn thing when put in my DVD player, and no amount of DVD setting legerdemain could rectify it.

This Needs To Happen:

Thought while watching the UK version of Robot Wars: Get both Mick Foley and UK host Craig Charles (Lister on "Red Dwarf" for those of us not named Martin Leggett nor familiar with that series) to co-host Robot Wars. And for the love of Jaysis, KEEP THE UK PLAY-BY-PLAY ANNOUNCER!

Until then, enjoy House of Pain and their song "Beef Jerky"...

I've Heard Of Goat Lockers, But This Is Ridiculous

Well, you'd figure a cockbite-free workplace couldn't last, and it didn't. But enough about him.

I got home this fine evening to find that almost every one of our rather modest goat herd (of five) had jumped the fence into the neighbors' property. And so, me and my dad had the solemn task of hooking up the trailer and rounding the little shits up. A task which was complicated by the neighbors' goat kids deciding they wanted to see what was going on, to the point of crawling under the trailer to see.

I also would have been watching Pirates Of The Caribbean, but the DVD we picked up from the grocery store rental counter was, not to mince words here, fucked up.

I'll give you a review as soon as I get a copy that Doesn't Suck.

o/~ I'm rocking the boonies... like Charlie Daniels did / I'm rocking the boonies... except he was talented... o/~

For want of much new material, I'm linking selections from webcomics.

Webcomic Quote of the Indeterminate Time Period (Part The First): "I want to know how this small town barely gots a mall, but it can support fourteen Tim Horton's." -- Robin, It's Walky!

Simply swap Tim Hortons for convenience stores, and that's Kerrville for ya.

WQotITP (Part The Second): "HE IS THE RUINER OF WORLDS!"

Now how bad is it when your mom looks over your shoulder while you're blogging? Granted, she's not the kind to make a habit of it, but I just now found myself in the unenviable position of having to explain the Blog Phenomenon to her.

Moving on, I can't believe that I've pulled out only my second win in my fantasy league. I used to be a frontrunner last year.

o/~ Wastin' away again in Pigskin-Loser-Ville / Searching for my lost shaker of salt / Some people claim that Limbaugh's to blame / But I know... it's that damn Ewok's fault o/~

And in other words, NO COCKBITE AT WORK TODAY!

That's all for now, Blog Nation... and now, performing their classic "The Thing That Should Not Be," here's Metallica!

Huck Fum

NP: Down By Law, "Haircut"

I finally got myself a steady job. It's good money (for Kerrville *spit*), but compared to what I was making, it leaves a little to be desired.

In my past jobs, Randal's Maxim held sway: "This job would be great if it wasn't for the fuckin' customers."

Well, this job in particular would be great if it wasn't for the fuckin' coworkers. Specifically, one coworker in particular. A number of you might laugh and smile that Been There, Done That, Burned The T-Shirt tight-lipped grin, but let me do the PSA on this guy anyway.

You ever have a coworker who has to have things exactly his way?

This guy has to subject us all to his rather dubious musical taste. Any CD I bring in, he rejects out of hand. Even things I believe everyone can enjoy, like Rancid or Metallica, or even Down By Law. If I beat him to the punch and put in one of my CDs, he takes it out and puts in one of his own. Doesn't even wait for it to finish or nothin'.

Granted, some of his selections are not all that bad, but for every FUGAZI~~~~ or AT THE DRIVE-IN~~~~, there's some band I've never heard of (Hot Water Music's "One Step To Slip" is my new Inexplicable Musical Mark while The Pixies I can take or leave), or stuff like Propaghandi (whose politics are waaaaay too... leftist for my taste. "Meat Is Murder"? Who axed you?)

However, this guy is a fhuge Hum fan. You know, the guys who did that "she missed the train to Mars" song? The rest of their music is in that vein. Now, I've got nothing against that band personally, and I think their music is quite fine in small doses.

What really gets my goat is that this cockbite (and yes, I call him that, sometimes even to his face) absolutely INSISTS on playing the same five to six CDs. EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.

And of those five or six, two of them are every Hum CD released from Downward Is Heavenward onward.

Today, I finally asked him straight up, "could you not play the same CDs every day?"

Cockbite has the unmitigated gall to say "Look who's talking!"

The sheer pot-kettle-blackness of that remark was astonishing.

The other coworker my age (another self-proclaimed "ultra-leftist"), thankfully, does not have the same ass-tastic taste in music (although why he doesn't like 311's Grassroots is beyond my ability to comprehend). Among his collection is Peter Tosh's Equal Rights (old-school reggae, and it's an education to listen to what William Gibson must have been listening to when conceiving some concepts for Neuromancer -- Wintermute calling Molly "Stepping Razor" when communicating to the Rastas being a prime example).

Unfortunately, the times when Cockbite deigns to let him play his stuff are few and far between, and almost always when Cockbite is out of the office.

It's enough to make you throw all his CDs in the microwave for a couple of minutes, just so he will be bothered to bring in some new shit.

The constant station-surfing of my DEPper group on the way to Randolph AFB to catch the Blue Angels seems ambrosial by comparison.

Speaking of which, to that guy who was "raised by wolvs" who filled out the card to get into the Navy Mobile Flight Sim ride and changed the wording on the disclaimer to read "will be used to send you lies and bullshit propaganda designed to brainwash":

If you felt that strongly about the military, then WHAT IN THE NAME OF BILLY MITCHELL'S WANG WERE YOU DOING AT A MILITARY AIRSHOW?

There's at least one Bosun's Mate who has a few choice words for you on that subject. Or better yet, why don't you join and find out first hand what sacrifices people make for the freedoms you enjoy?

Who knows, maybe you'll learn how to spell "wolves".

Quite possibly, Role Model Of The Year, 2K3

No, not Vinegar Boy, Aaron.

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid:	Low
Schizoid:	Low
Schizotypal:	Moderate
Antisocial:	Moderate
Borderline:	Low
Histrionic:	High
Narcissistic:	Moderate
Avoidant:	Moderate
Dependent:	Low
Obsessive-Compulsive:	Moderate
-- Personality Disorder Test - Take It! --

Note to Chris: I'll put in to get posted to Everett after A-School, and then I'll kick your ass.

That is, if Pensacola doesn't immediately take me on for the STA-21 program, in which case I'll make you salute me, and then I'll kick your ass. ;)

No, it's not for buying a Dell. After all, friends don't let friends buy Compaq Comcrap.

It's not even for your new title for your link to here. I seriously flirted with the idea of getting an uniform shirt early and stencilling in "Staines" for the nametag, but I figured it was something Navy Recruiting Command would frown upon.

But enough of the Explosion of High Impact for a sec.

In other news, I might just save the Navy the expense of getting me my A+ certification after all. More details as events warrant.

From the Poor Choice Of Words Or Truth In Advertising? Dept.:

There is a church in Kerrville that calls itself the First Condemning Church of Kerrville.

I swear I am not making this up.

Makes you wonder what their services are like, and it's certainly no church I'd like to belong to. I believe that if you have faith, then you should be celebrating it instead of condemning everybody else. And to top it all off, you've all doubtlessly heard the story of the general who had a few choice words about Islam, namely that another holy war is in progress in the Middle East. And to think I might find myself under such a person's command...

My parents have a copy of CS Lewis's The Screwtape Letters, but the quote I'm reminded of comes from the companion piece, Screwtape Proposes A Toast:

"I see, and smell, that even under wartime conditions the [Tempters' Training College] cellar still has a few dozen of sound old vintage Pharisee... You know how this wine is blended? Different type of Pharisee have been harvested, trodden, and fermented together to produce its subtle flavour. Types that were most antagonistic to one another on Earth. Some were all rules and relics and rosaries; others were all drab clothes, long faces, and petty traditional abstinences from wine or cards or the theatre. Both had in common their self-righteousness and the almost infinite distance between their actual outlook and anything [God] is or commands."

Crunchy Juicy Sacrelige -- Muslims, I apologize in advance

Next week: Another rousing round of Where The Fuck Have All The Jobs Gone?

*snickersnickersnicker*

No, let me rephrase that.

BWAH-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

There is nothing to lift the soul quite like the Aggies treating a Big 12 conference team like North Texas or some other no-account football school.

Josh is going to be insufferable because he can now say "Top 25 my Oklahoma ass", but the Red River Blowout is becoming quite a spectacle. Of course, seeing t.u. lit up for 55+ points always brings a smile to this Ag's face.

More to follow.

Kerrville. Shit. I can't believe I'm back in fucking Kerrville.

And to think I've hardly said a word to my parents until I said yes to their offer to take me back in.

Everyone gets everything he wants. I wanted to see my family again, and for my sins, I did.

Ok, now that I'm done bastardizing Martin Sheen in Apocalypse Now, y'all know that I am back in Kerrville, and it's raining cats and dogs, so I can't get my own comp out to put this into. It is nice to be able to watch football again, for someone who's had to rely on tapes, DVDs, and the ol' computer for my daily bombardments of microwave radiation, but there's a few things that are sticking in my craw already, aside from the obvious.

When It's Bad: You get an impromptu lecture on Ways You Could Be Better Off Spending Your Money from your dad when he finds all the comics you've bought over the years you've been living on your own, even though you haven't bought any comics in several months.

When It's Really Bad: You get cautioned by your dad about your stash of Maxim magazines he uncovered while helping you pack your stuff, for fear of a conniption fit from one's own maternal unit.

When You Begin To Believe That You've Made A Serious Error In Judgement: You get the same maternal conniption fit caution about your anime collection.

Now, don't get me wrong. I've always liked anime, despite what certain people say about me being possessed by the spirit of Nathan Loney. And people who know my anime viewing habits know that I'm not down with the TRM (for the uninitiated, that stands for Tentacle Raping Monsters). But you see, I have this problem. My mom's Religious, with all that comes with it.

And on top of all that, I seem destined for a first-to-worst run in the Jacksux League, for no other reason than no matter who I start, they put out like a convent of orthodox nuns.

Pray for my soul, my brothers and sisters.

Scoping out the blogs, we find my favorite untrustworthy bi--err, bastard (and I ain't talking about the guy I was doing contract work for during my last months in Austin!) is alive, well, and finding disturbing stuff like this.

Dude, this is pretty fucked up, right here.

And this from the incomparable Johnny B.:

"Funny story my brother told me during RAW: He and his she-demon of a wife are at EB looking at Gamecube games. In walks this middle-aged couple who are aruging and talking loudly and acting like goofballs. They approach the clerk and ask if they have any new Gamecube games.

'Well, we have that new Billy Hatcher game,' he says, referring to Billy Hatcher and the Giant Egg.

'Well I always liked fuckin' chickens,' says the guy. Out loud.

Everybody stops. Silence. The wife chastises her man and out they go. The store is dead quiet and the clerk is in shock. Finally, someone speaks up: 'It takes a real man to admit that.'

The motto: People say the darndest things."

Now THAT'S comedy. You can't make this stuff up.

To crib from my good friend (and fellow serviceman these days!) Chris Gates, who cribbed this from David Letterman, so long for now, Blog Nation, and enjoy Smile Empty Soul.

Yup, it's official. I'm elderly.

NP: Guns 'N Roses, "Welcome To The Jungle"

A little something I left out of the last entry...

Sign in front of a church: "Stay In Shape -- Walk Daily With The Lord :-D"

No, your eyes do not deceive you. That sign had an honest-to-God emoticon on it.