Is That A Cowbell I Hear?

ITEM: Jean-Claude Van Damme will SHEEP YO' ASS, BITCH!
(It helps if you're fluent in French)

ITEM: And the Coaster of the Indeterminate Time Period goes to the Ghost Rider movie. Whoever wrote the screenplay really needs to sit down with the comics more, in between sessions of being horse-whipped for fucking up one of my favorite Marvel characters. I couldn't finish it, though I wanted to. I'd really like some flaming-headed demon motorcyclist of vengeance to go with my talking heads exposition, wouldn't you?

ITEM: And speaking of another movie that suffers from too much talking heads, I caught Tarantino's Death Proof on deployment this summer. There are some good car chases and vehicular homicide in this one, you just have to sit through a good 30-40 minutes worth of talking to get to it. I was able to get through it on the I Lived In Austin And Saw Half The Places This Movie Shows Factor, but most people would probably consider this a honkshoo movie. (Honnnnnnnnnkkk... shooooooooooooooo... get it?)

ITEM: I had heard Planet Terror (the second movie in the Grindhouse series) was better, and it didn't disappoint. The whole thing with this series is that it's designed to simulate watching a B-movie at a late 70's-early 80's grindhouse. So if you don't expect too much from it, you won't be let down. I'll give this movie The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly treatment in a later post.

ITEM: Not only is Robert Rodriguez fleshing out Machete into a full-length feature (for those of you who didn't know and/or are nigh-oblivious, Machete promises to be the world's first mex-ploitation movie and gives Danny Trejo license to be a consummate badass. Google the trailer and watch it right now. I'll wait.), but a couple of suitably twisted minds are going to the Grindhouse as well. Rob Zombie will be coming out with Werewolf Women of the SS, while Eli Roth (Hostel) is working on a slasher pic called Thanksgiving.

ITEM: Finally, on a professional note, I have my Enlisted Surface Warfare Specialist designation. It's a done deal, I'm just waiting for the paperwork to clear the ship's administration.

Report from Memewatch, 12 December 2K7

My score on The Which Lolcat Are You? Test:

Cheezburger cat

(58% Affectionate, 56% Excitable, 57% Hungry)

Sure, you deserve one. You helped popularized lolcats from a running gag to an online sensation. Now mainstream media writes asinine columns on this 'phenomenon', students write theses on the topic, programming languages adopt the grammar, and losers write tests about them on dating sites. Now take your cheezburger and never touch the internets again.

Link: The Which Lolcat Are You? Test
(OkCupid Free Online Dating)

Song of the Indeterminate Time Period, 07 December 2K7

Troubled souls unite
We've got ourselves tonight
I am fuel, you are friends
We've got the means to make amends
I am lost, I'm no guide
But I'm by your side
I am right by your side

Young lover, I stand
It was their idea, I proved to be a man
Take... my fucking hand
It was their idea, I proved to be a man
Will myself to find a home, a home within myself
We will find a way
We will find our place...

Drop the leash, drop the leash!
Get outta my fuckin' face
Drop the leash, drop the leash!
Get outta my fuckin' face
Drop the leash, drop the leash!
Get outta my fuckin' face
Drop the leash, drop the leash!
Drop the leash, we are young
Drop the leash, we are young
Get outta my fuckin' face
Drop the leash, drop the leash!
Get outta my... my...

Delight, delight, delight in our youth
Get outta my fuckin' face

-- Pearl Jam
"Leash"
Vs. (1993)

The Nanny Mentality is Alive, Well, and Living in Yokosuka, Japan

So let me get this straight: Not only do I have to write down where it is I want to go on liberty for a week in advance, but I have to call you every rutting night I'm not on duty and tell you where I am?

I realize that as military members, the upper chain of command has a vested interest in our well-being, but seriously, this is getting way out of hand. I have an idea why this is so, but you're gonna have to buy me a coupla drinks or get me to a private spot before I articulate them.

And now you know why the Pearl Jam song made the SotITP.

Song of the Indeterminate Time Period, 29 November 2K7

(Shh... quiet, you might piss somebody off)
Like me, motherfucker, you've been at it for too long
While you feed off others' insecurities
You stand in front of me and bite the hand that feeds

Self-righteousness is wearing thin
(Lies inside your head, your best friend)
Heart bleeds, but not for fellow men
(Broken glass, your fake reflection)

I've had enough, it's time for something real
I don't respect the words you're speaking
You've gone too far... a clone...

"So, how does it feel to know that someone's kid in the heart of America has blood on their hands, fighting to defend your rights so you can maintain a lifestyle that insults his family's existence? Well, where I'm from, we have a special salute we aim high in the air towards all those pompous assholes who spend their days pointing fingers...

FUCK YOU!!!"

(Shh... quiet, you might piss somebody off)
Like the heartbeat of this country when antagonized too long
I'll be damned if you count me in as part of your generous hypocrisy
Collecting enemies...

Tabloid gossip queen, worthless man
(There's no need for us to bury you)
Selfish agenda once again
(Right this way, you've dug your own grave)

I've had enough, it's time for something real
I don't respect the words you're speaking
Gone too far... a clone...

"All the way from the East to the West, we got this high society looking down on their very foundation, constantly reminding us that our actions are the cause of all their problems! Pointing their fingers in every direction, blaming their own nation for who wins elections... they've never contributed a fucking thing to the country they love to criticize!"

Excuse the obscene, ignore the untrue
Depictions we see try and get through
Admitting mistakes can hurt
I'm not the last, but I sure ain't the first

(Shh... quiet, you might piss somebody off)

Self-righteousness is wearing thin
(Lies inside your head, your best friend)
Heart bleeds, but not for fellow men
(Broken glass, your fake reflection)

I've had enough, it's time for something real
I don't respect the words you're speaking
Gone too far... a clone...

-- Avenged Sevenfold
"Critical Acclaim"
Avenged Sevenfold (2007)

(pssst! Buy the new A7X album... it rules!)

Quote of the Indeterminate Time Period, 29 November 2K7

"Jesus was too smart to run for public office."
-- Mike Huckabee, on what Jesus would think about the death penalty

Song of the Indeterminate Time Period, 22 November 2K7

[For the Chinese Ministry of Foreign Affairs, who, in case you were living under a rock this week, turned down the ship's request to enter Hong Kong harbor, and by the time they flip-flopped, we were over 200 miles away and going back to Japan]

Well, I heard some people talkin’ just the other day
And they said you were gonna put me on a shelf
But let me tell you I got some news for you
And you’ll soon find out it’s true
And then you’ll have to eat your lunch all by yourself

’Cause I’m already gone
And I’m feelin’ strong
I will sing this vict’ry song
Woo, hoo, hoo (woo, hoo, hoo)

The letter that you wrote me made me stop and wonder why
But I guess you felt like you had to set things right
Just remember this, my girl, when you look up in the sky
You can see the stars and still not see the light (that’s right)

And I’m already gone
And I’m feelin’ strong
I will sing this vict’ry song
Woo, hoo, hoo (woo, hoo, hoo)

Well I know it wasn’t you who held me down
Heaven knows it wasn’t you who set me free
So often times it happens that we live our lives in chains
And we never even know we have the key

But me, I’m already gone
And I’m feelin’ strong
I will sing this vict’ry song
’Cause I’m already gone
Yes, I’m already gone
And I’m feelin’ strong
I will sing this vict’ry song
’cause I’m already gone
Yes, I’m already gone
Already gone
All right, nighty-night

-- The Eagles
"Already Gone"
On The Border (1985)

Song of the Indeterminate Time Period, 21 July 2K7

Yeah, can you hear the call?
In our rambling land
Sussurations, that can expand
Beyond all hope of light
And plunge us into unrelenting night

A pall on truth and reason
It feels like hunting season
So avoid those lines of sight
And we'll set this right

Welcome to the New Dark Ages
Yeah, I hope you're living right
These are the New Dark Ages
And the world might end tonight

Now come ye children, one and all
Let's heed Ezekiel's call
Abide until the word is good and ripe
And get plucked clean out of sight

The world will be erased
Our kin will be immaculate ejaculate in space
Before the King of Kings' love, he'll snatch us from above
Brothers, please help me sing it

Welcome to the New Dark Ages
Yeah, I hope you're living right
These are the New Dark Ages
And the world might end tonight

So, how do you sleep?
There's nothing to keep
This is deep
Because we're animals... with golden rules who
Who can't be moved by rational views

Welcome to the New Dark Ages
Yeah, I hope you're living right
These are the New Dark Ages
Sing it again, yeah
These are the New Dark Ages
I hope you're living right
And the world might end tonight

-- Bad Religion
"New Dark Ages"
New Maps of Hell (2007)

Song of the Indeterminate Time Period, 5 July 2K7

Look at you sleeping there
I couldn't love anyone or anything more
You truly are my angel from Heaven
So... thanks, God

Wish I could tell you how much I love you
A thousand times a day
But I hope that you can see it in my eyes
Every moment that we're awake

And every minute that I dream
I dream of you
God, that sounds like such a used line
But, fuck it... it's true

Now most of my words are social
The human condition that we all share
And I'm not very good with love songs
But I just saw you sleeping there
And I didn't want to wake you up
But I feel us so strongly right now...

I love you, et cetera
Je'taime merci, et cetera
Et cetera... et cetera...
Et cetera... et cetera...

Thank you for being so great
And thanks for being my friend
I know that it's the same for you for me
When you wake up, let's make out
Let's make out
Let's make out

-- Down By Law
"Goodnight Song"
punkrockacademyfightsong (1994)

Song of the Indeterminate Time Period, 6 July 2K7

"Well now! We call this the act of mating! But there are several other very important difference between human beings and animals that you should know about!"

(I'd appreciate your input)

Sweat, baby, sweat, baby
Sex is a Texas drought
Me and you do the kind of stuff
That only Prince would sing about
So put your hands down my pants
And I'll bet you'll feel nuts
Yes I'm Siskel, yes I'm Ebert
And you're getting two thumbs up
You've had enough of two-hand touch
You want it rough, you're out of bounds
I want you smothered, want you covered
Like my Waffle House hash browns
Comin' quicker than FedEx, never reach an apex
Just like Coca-Cola stock, you are inclined
To make me rise an hour early just like Daylight Savings Time

Do it now
You and me baby ain't nothin' but mammals
So let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel
Do it again now
You and me baby ain't nothin' but mammals
So let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel
Gettin' horny now

Love, the kind you clean up with a mop and bucket
Like the lost catacombs of Egypt, only God knows where we stuck it
Hieroglyphics? Let me be Pacific, I wanna be down in your South Seas
But I got this notion that the motion of your ocean means Small Craft Advisory
So if I capsize on your thighs' high tide, B-5, you sunk my battleship
Please turn me on, I'm Mr. Coffee with an automatic drip
So show me yours, I'll show you mine,
"Tool Time", you'll love it just like Lyle
And then we'll do it doggy style
So we can both watch "X-Files"

Do it now
You and me baby ain't nothin' but mammals
So let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel
Do it again now
You and me baby ain't nothin' but mammals
So let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel
Gettin' horny now

You and me baby ain't nothin' but mammals
So let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel
Do it again now
You and me baby ain't nothin' but mammals
So let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel
Do it now
You and me baby ain't nothin' but mammals
So let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel
Do it again now
You and me baby ain't nothin' but mammals
So let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel
Gettin' horny now

-- Bloodhound Gang
"The Bad Touch"
Hooray For Boobies (2000)

Little-Known Movie Bit Of The Indeterminate Time Period, 10 June 2K7

If you ever get the chance, Blog Nation, rent Morgan Stewart's Coming Home and check out the scene where Our Hero gets back to the house after meeting the Love Interest for the first time. It's a sort of salute to Gene Kelly and MGM that I've not had much luck finding on YouTube, otherwise I'd embed it here.

Leave it to me to find love less than a month before I go on deployment and less than a year before I'm scheduled to rotate out of Japan.

NP: My Chemical Romance, "Welcome To The Black Parade"

State of Blog Nation, Winter 2K7

• Butch happily welcomes our new Marissa Miller overlords, and now so do I. Whoever at SI had the bright idea of putting an iPod right over her coochie in the semi-nude shot is a certified artiste.


• Rob-type has a few words to say about the Death of Captain America. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I think there was a retarded other version of Cap floating around; went by the name of "US Agent". And yes, you're right, Superman is DC. From what I've been reading, it seems like Marvel cleaned up at the fire-sale of WCW staffers and writers while people weren't paying attention. The kind that routinely screw up cups of coffee. Greg Land? Utter, utter hack. You take a look at the very last panel on the last page of this and TELL ME that's not a tracing of Triple H.


• While we're on that subject, I'd like to take a moment to mount the soapbox over what's going on in the last Marvel title I read in a while: Ghost Rider. Don't get me wrong, Garth Ennis is one of the better writers in contemporary comics, but the characterization of the angels and demons running around whenever they let Ghost Rider out of Hell (hard to tell which is which with the way they act) is a little overdone. Did GR end up in the Preacher-verse while we weren't looking?


• The poker must still be hating Chris, because he's not updated since mid-February. Then again, I hadn't updated this thing until recently, which speaks volumes about how crazy the workload of an American serviceman can get sometimes.


• Oh yeah, and Bohemiath's back in my hot, not-so-little hands.

Song Of The Indeterminate Time Period, 10 March 2K7 (Part The First)
(When's the last time you've seen one of these? Guess who's being honored in this song and win a cookie!)

You're the fighter, you've got the fire
The spirit of a warrior, the champion's heart
You fight for your life, because the fighter never quits
You make the most of the hand you're dealt
Because the quitter never wins (no!)

You were born to box, in a city that's seen their share
Mello, Ryan, Carney, among them your photo proudly hangs there
Above the bar in the Gaelic Club
They tell the story of a throwback, with the heart of a lion
They salute your glory

It's another murderous night, another left hook from hell
A bloody war on the boardwalk, and the kid from Lowell rises to the bell

MICKY~~~~~~~~!
It's the warrior's code!
MICKY~~~~~~~~!
He's got the warrior's soul!

MICKY~~~~~~~~!
It's the warrior's code!
MICKY~~~~~~~~!
He's got the warrior's soul!

MICKY~~~~~~~~!
It's the warrior's code!

-- Dropkick Murphys
"The Warrior's Code"
The Warrior's Code (2005)

Son of the Son of the Cowbell

ITEM: So I was downloading the latest Quicktime version and came across the trailer for the new F4 movie (Rise of the Silver Surfer). And with any luck, I'll probably be watching the thing in the same place I watched the first -- Sydney, New South Wales, Dot-au (that's Australia for the non-netspeak-inclined).

ITEM: Which brings me to my next order of business. I've been hearing lots of static about the Ghost Rider movie from people who just can't buy Nic Cage as the Spirit of Vengeance. Me, I'm reserving my counsel for when the base gets the flick in their movie houses (and I'm hoping I don't have duty on opening night).

ITEM: What does it say about the state of the comics industry these days when a bastardization of the "Comic Event of 2006" done by some guy up in Canada is better than 95% of the recent stuff put out by professionals?

ITEM: And to close with, I have some sorry news. Bohemiath the Lappy is in the shop, the victim of a screw caught in its gubbins after the hard drive crashed on it and the phone monkey wanted to try every conceivable way to test the drives. Didn't help that the opening the drives sat in was smaller than a 3x5" index card. All I wanted was the CD to reinstall the OS, for Buck's sake. Was even willing to pay, too. *sigh*

One Hundred and Ninety Dollars Worth Of Cell Phone Accessories... Ahhh Yeahhhh

So I broke down and bought a contract cell phone in Japan.

[months and months later]

What I was going to add but never got around to is that I put down a bunch of money on accessories for the phone, to wit a Micro SD chip for it and a Bluetooth headset that never worked.

GOR-rammit

Just when I think I can finally relax, they spring Fraidy Cat Cruise II: Electric Boogaloo.

Translation: we may be getting underway AGAIN.

May I have a show of hands of everybody who thinks having an AIRCRAFT CARRIER, IN HOME PORT being chased out of it by a typhoon is utterly ludicrous, please?

If it's longer than a week, there will doubtlessly be fucking murders.

In this, my darkest hour of the month, I must turn to the one man that can help me in this situation...

Song of the Indeterminate Time Period, 17 September 2K6

Got the craving for some lunch
But I ain't got nothing to munch
My mind is set on just one wish
A big ol' sandwich -- tuna fish
Time to make a grocery run
I'll walk there in the morning sun
And make a list of what I need most
Tuna fish, and bread for toast
And though my stomach may be empty
I'll feed my head from a horn o' plenty
Roll a joint Bob Marley style
And smoke it till it makes me smile

Starting off in Aisle One
Fruits and veggies by the ton
Hey, check it out, radicchio!
These red leaves, man, they almost glow
And-- bok choy! I've always wanted to try it
I wonder if I have enough to buy it
It's grown in Japan, or maybe China
Or maybe some farm in South Carolina
Just then, I hear a voice in my head
'Stay focused, man! Tuna and bread!'
But right now, I'm in Produce Bliss
Whooooooo, I'm too high for this

Too high for the supermarket
Too high for the grocery store
Too high for the supermarket
Ain't gonna shop like this no more
Too high for the supermarket
Too high for the grocery store
Too high for the supermarket
Ain't gonna shop like this no more

(Everyone here... is staring at me)

Sixteen different brands of tuna
Chicken Of The Sea or Big Kahuna
Packed in oil, packed in water
Dolphin-friendly, dolphin slaughter
And, oh God, what about the bread?
Should I get white or wheat instead?
Or-- rye! Rye's the best I've tasted
Rye is best whenever you're wasted

Too high for the supermarket
Too high for the grocery store
Too high for the supermarket
Ain't gonna shop like this no more
Too high for the supermarket
Too high for the grocery store
Too high for the supermarket
Ain't gonna shop like this no more

Finally done, it's check-out time
Searching for the shortest line
The express lane, but they don't take checks
And you gotta have ten items or less
So let's see... Ding Dongs, a bag of chips
Cap'n Crunch and some onion dip
It's sugar, it's salt, space and schism
The yin-yang of Munchie Taoism
I got my favorite beer -- KARLINGER!
And pre-sweet Kool-Aid you eat with your finger
You lick your finger, then you stick it in the bag
Then you stick it down your throat, but not too far or you'll gag
That's less than ten, check me out, go ahead!
... Oh, I forgot the tuna and the bread

Too high for the supermarket
Too high for the grocery store
Too high for the supermarket
Ain't gonna shop like this no more
Too high for the supermarket
Too high for the grocery store
Too high for the supermarket
Ain't gonna shop like this no more

Too high, too high, too high, too high
Way too high for the supermarket, yeah

-- The Uninvited
"Too High For The Supermarket"
Uninvited (1998)

Ok, Now I Feel Elderly

Got a message on my MySpace page from a lady I haven't heard from in well over a decade. See, this girl was one of the old Smithson Valley honors classmates (seemed to have the same number of people in practically every class, and she was one of them). She's living around Houston, has a bf, and seems to be doing well enough for herself.

And well, the sudden wash of nostalgia is making me feel old.

Meanwhile, I'm in the middle of planning a full campaign on the Fleet Theater to make up for the summer the Kitty insists on spending every year. SNAKES ON A PLANE, y'all!

So, Stacie C., this Sam Jackson's for you!

Song of the Indeterminate Time Period, 3 June 2K6

And now, the Cory Rogers Song...

I remember when we walked as one
And all the truths were known
And we were scrappers in the schoolyard fights
Talked tough on the telephone

But there was always one big guy
Who feared nothing and no one
His name was Gary and he looked so mean
He wasn't a lot of fun

When he walked by...
YOU GOT THE FUCK OUT OF THE WAY
Gary was... was the top cat in his day
Everybody said... that he'd get his some day

Gary was the schoolyard bully, he didn't have a lot of friends
He had kids do his homework for him, stupid to the end
On Graduation Day he stood the tallest, and he got his degree
He couldn't add two plus two, let loose on society

When he walked by...
YOU GOT THE FUCK OUT OF THE WAY
Gary was... was the top cat in his day
Everybody said... that he'd get his one day

Well, I swear to this day
That I still see his face
When I have a bad dream at night
There's the monster to my right...

Gruesome Gary met his match at a young and tender age
He got a whipping at the mall one night, the police took him away
The town cheered and the geeks all jeered, but I'll just make a bet
That Gary will live on in infamy... he was the meanest man you ever met!

When he walked by...
YOU GOT THE FUCK OUT OF THE WAY
Gary was... was the top cat in his day
Everybody said... that he'd get his one day

Gary was... was the top cat in his day
Everybody said... that he'd get his one day

-- Down By Law
"Gruesome Gary"
All Scratched Up!

What Jay Learned From His Stateside Leave

• When dealing with naval bureaucracy, no news is not good news. It is merely what it is: no news.


• Never attempt international travel the day immediately following a 24-hour duty watch.


• Never shop for Navy ribbons at an Army ribbon store.


• Never underestimate the capability of clerical types to screw up everything, up to and including a cup of coffee.

Song of the Indeterminate Time Period, 16 February 2K6

I'm thinking of thinking of calling her right
After my afternoon nap
I'm thinking of thinking of sending her flowers
Right after Bonnie gets back
So many fishies... left in the sea
So many fishies... but no one for me
I'm thinking of thinking of hooking a love
Soon after supper is done

-- performed by Ambassador G'Kar (Andreas Katsulas) in the Babylon 5 episode "The Parliament of Dreams"

First Rich Biggs And Now This...

Anyone who knows me for any real length of time knows I'm a dyed-in-the-wool sci-fi geek. ("Nate, give Jay back his AIM name!") And one of my all time favorite shows is still Babylon 5, based in no small part on the continuing byplay between ambassadors Londo Mollari and G'Kar.

So imagine my surprise whilst forum browsing that I get this news.

JMS says it so much better than I can at the moment.

Song of the Indeterminate Time Period, 9 February 2K6

Please allow me to adjust my pants
So that I may dance the good time dance
And put the onlookers and innocent bystanders into a trance

Give disease so the swine will marry and propagate lies
Tough luck for elected officials
The beast you see got fifty eyes
Bring it on home, spread the wealth
Play it cool, the hand's been dealt
Now all the odds are in our favor
Save the victory speeches for later

Streets on fire, the mob goes wild wild wild
Streets on fire, the mob goes wild

Twenty-one guns, box made of pine
Letter from the government sealed and signed
Delivered Federal Express on your mother's doorstep

Twenty-one guns, box made of pine
Letter from the government sealed and signed
Delivered Federal Express on your mother's doorstep

Condoleeza Rice is nice, but I prefer A-Roni
And that man on the T.V. who speaks to the dead
You know that man's a phony
Everybody move to Canada and smoke lots of pot
Everybody move to Canada right now
Here's how we do it:
Bum rush the border guard before he and his dog ever knew it

Streets on fire, the mob goes wild wild wild
Streets on fire, the mob goes wild

Twenty-one guns, box made of pine
Letter from the government sealed and signed
Delivered Federal Express on your mother's doorstep

Twenty-one guns, box made of pine
Letter from the government sealed and signed
Delivered Federal Express on your mother's doorstep

-- Clutch
"The Mob Goes Wild"
Blast Tyrant (2004)
(source for lyrics: Clutch's most excellent official site)