Song of the Indeterminate Time Period, 22 June 2K10 (Part the First)

Heard the H-word mentioned when talking about my Grandma and I promised my Mom I'd make this song a SotITP. Well, here it is.

Grandma burned the biscuits
Nearly took the house down with it
Now she's in assisted living
We all knew that day would come

We knew she was too gone to drive
The day she parked on I-65
Found her on the shoulder crying
She didn't know where she was

It's like her mind just quit
Oh, but bring up Grandpa
It's like someone flipped a switch

A front porch light in a blue DeSoto
Couple of straws in a Coca-Cola
You can see it all going down
A handsome boy in Army green
A tear on his face, down on a knee
A shaky voice, a diamond ring
She'll put you in that town

Tomorrow she won't remember what she did today
But just ask about Ellsworth, Kansas, 1948

She takes out his medals
A cigar box full of letters
Sits and scatters pictures
Black and whites of days gone by

We started losing her when she lost him
But to hear her carry on, you'd swear she's 17 again

Football games and leaves a'cracklin'
Walking her home in his letter jacket
You can see it all going down
A perfect night on a front porch glider
Saying good night for the next three hours
Her tired eyes go wide and bright
When she talks about that town

Tomorrow she won't remember what she did today
But just ask about Ellsworth, Kansas, 1948

While the world is fading all around her
Sharing a sundae at the counter
He's going on and on about her
Bet she's right there right now

Tomorrow she won't remember what she did today
But just ask about Ellsworth, Kansas, 1948

-- Rascal Flatts
"Ellsworth"
Me & My Gang (2006)

Song of the Indeterminate Time Period, 22 June 2K10 (Part the Second)

For all that was, that wasn't, that could have been, that did, that didn't...

For Beth.

When you're talking to yourself
And nobody's home
You can fool yourself
You came in this world alone (alone)

So nobody ever told you, baby
How it was going to be
What will happen to you, baby?
Guess we'll have to wait and see

(one, two)

[bridge]

Old at heart but I'm only 28
And I'm much too young to let love break my heart
Young at heart but it's getting much too late
To find ourselves so far apart

I don't know how you're supposed to find me lately
And what more could you ask from me?
How could you say that I never needed you
When you took everything
Said you took everything from me

[bridge]

Young at heart and it gets so hard to wait
When no one I know can seem to help me now
Old at heart but I mustn't hesitate
If I'm to find my own way out

Still talking to myself
And nobody's home
(alone)

So nobody ever told us, baby
How it was going to be
What will happen to us, baby?
Guess we'll have to wait and see

[Piano solo]

When I find out all the reasons
Maybe I'll find another way
Find another day
With all the changing seasons... of my life
Maybe I'll get it right next time
And now that you've been broken down
Got your head out of the clouds
You're back down on the ground
And you don't talk so loud
And you don't walk so proud
Any more, and what for?

[Guitar solo]

Well I jumped into the river
Too many times to make it home
I'm out here on my own, and drifting all alone
If it doesn't show, give it time
To read between the lines

'Cause I see the storm is getting closer
And the waves, they get so high
Seems everything we've ever known's here
Why must it drift away and die?

[Slash lets off another face-melting solo here]

I'll never find anyone to replace you
Guess I'll have to make it through this time
(oh this time)
Without you

I knew the storm was getting closer
And all my friends said I was high
But everything we've ever known's here
I never wanted it to die

-- Guns 'N Roses
"Estranged"
Use Your Illusion II (1991)

Song of the Indeterminate Time Period, 06 May 2K10

You've read the Harry Potter books, you think you know them through
But there's something that you may not know and here's a little clue
The female of the trio has her birthday on
Talk Like A Pirate Day
So heads up, Harry and Ron!

When she found out, her eyes she rolled, she went on knitting socks
But Harry said, "I've got the gold, let's head down for the docks"
They traded lots of Galleons for a lovely brigantine
And now they're her young stallions, and she's a pirate queen

Come here, you lads and lasses, I tell you, she's the one
Give a cheer and raise your glasses, but not 'til class is done
Though she's only seventeen, she's smarter than Dumbledore
Hermione Granger the Pirate Queen, the Pride of Gryffindor!

Her white shirt and black leather, they complement her eyes
Her red sash brings it together, and those boots half up her thighs
Captain Hook's a fan, and Jack Sparrow thinks it's great
It's in the books, it's canon! (*boom*)
So let's all celebrate!

Hoist the mains'l, wind the capstan, give it all you've got
The Fire Whiskey and the captain both are really hot
Here's a happy birthday to the girl that we adore
Hermione Granger the Pirate Queen, the Pride of Gryffindor!

She taxidermied Pettigrew, and on the bridge he sat
Cause after all, what pirate ship doesn't have a rat?
She Incarcerus'd young Malfoy, so he could not escape
And one Petrificus later, she made him walk the Snape

Dolohov she'll finish off, and Bellatrix she'll foil
Lucius'll land in Azkaban, and likewise, Crabbe and Goyle
She laughs at danger, thinks it's keen; bring on Voldemort!
Hermione Granger the Pirate Queen, the Pride of Gryffindor!

Now here's the part we talk about with whom she's lockin' lips
Cause after all, a pirate queen has got to have her 'ships
Some say that Harry's her true love, or Ron she will betroth
She finally cried, "I can't decide; I'll have to have them both!"

Who's the sassy bossy witch that all the boys pursue?
Grander than the Golden Snitch, and more elusive too
One may seek her, one may keep her, both know how to score
With Hermione Granger the Pirate Queen, the Pride of Gryffindor!

And so the Seven Seas she sails in deadly hot pursuit
Of getting perfect OWLs and acing every NEWT
Some think she's just a bookworm, but I am here to say
She's got this pirate thing down cold every naval day!

Come here, you lads and lasses, I tell you, she's the one
Give a cheer and raise your glasses, but not 'til class is done
She'll go down in history, the one we're singing for
Hermione Granger the Pirate Queen, the Pride of Gryffindor!

-- Tom Smith
"Hey, It's Can(n)on"
iTom 1.0: And So It Begins (2006)

Song of the Indeterminate Time Period, 22 February 2K10

This song gets played/pimped in honor of a WWJD-esque bumper sticker I saw while coming home to my apartment from work today.

The sun is hot and that ol' clock is moving slow
And so am I
The workday passes like molasses in wintertime
But it's July
Getting paid by the hour, and older by the minute
My boss just pushed me over the limit
I'd like to call him something
I think I'll just call it a day

Pour me something tall and strong
Make it a Hurricane before I go insane
It's only half past twelve, but I don't care
It's five o'clock somewhere

Well, this lunch break is going to take all afternoon
And half the night
Tomorrow morning I know there'll be hell to pay
Hey, but that's all right
I ain't had a day off now in over a year
My Jamaican vacation's gonna start right here
If the phone's for me, you can tell them I just sailed away

Pour me something tall and strong
Make it a Hurricane before I go insane
It's only half past twelve, but I don't care
It's five o'clock somewhere

I could pay off my tab, pour myself in a cab
And be back to work before two
At a moment like this, I can't help but wonder
What would Jimmy Buffett do?

(Funny you should ask, Alan... I'd say--)

Pour me something tall and strong
Make it a Hurricane before I go insane
It's only half past twelve, but I don't care

Pour me something tall and strong
Make it a Hurricane before I go insane
It's only half past twelve, but I don't care
He don't care... and I don't care
It's five o'clock somewhere

-- Alan Jackson (with Jimmy Buffett)
"It's Five O'Clock Somewhere"
Alan Jackson: Greatest Hits, Vol. 2 (2003)

Song of the Indeterminate Time Period, 12 January 2010

(Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!)
She had all the tattoos and the piercings
Hates everything, says everybody's wrong
She dressed like she slept with Guns 'n Roses
But I busted her, singing all the boy band songs

She had to go... simply because
And I'll let her go, like she never was
Cause I didn't know, and I don't care what she does
She had to go... cause she didn't know who Joe Strummer was

At night, when we stood in line for hours
Waiting to see my favorite punk rock band
I bled with the passion and the power
But she's only there for all the fashion trends
(With her clueless friends)

She had to go... simply because
And I'll let her go, like she never was
Cause I didn't know, and I don't care what she does
She had to go... cause she didn't know who Joe Strummer was

She started talking about being my wife
But why would I wanna be with someone who doesn't know
The Clash saved my life?!
(Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!)

It's not that she couldn't rock my casbah
It's not that I couldn't burn her London down
It's just that she kept on disappearing
Whenever the Sandanistas came to town, and BURNED IT DOWN!

She had to go... simply because
And I'll let her go, like she never was
Cause I didn't know, and I don't care what she does
She had to go... cause she didn't know who Joe Strummer was

-- Cowboy Mouth
"Joe Strummer"
Voodoo Shoppe (2006)

Song of the Indeterminate Time Period, 06 Jan 2010

Who left you hanging... on that peg all alone?
You look near-mint to me, babe, and I want to make you my own
I wanna be your captain, my pon-farr is a' risin'
So step on over here, girl, my love is enterprisin'

Let me be your conventional lover
Let me show you some conventional love
I don't mean to boast, I don't mean to brag
But I'm a man whose only issues all come in mylar bags

Let me be your conventional lover
Let me give you my conventional love
I'll give you my heart, I'll treat you nice
And the games that I play only have twenty-sided dice
(They're polyhedral!)

Let's hit the dealer's room, and get you something fine
That collector's bust of Cthulhu reminds me of how you blow my mind
Now let me take you dancing, in my best Starfleet dress uniform
You'll want to tap my mana once you've seen me perform

Let me be your conventional lover
Let me show you some conventional love
I don't mean to boast, I don't mean to brag
But I'm a man whose only issues all come in mylar bags

Let me be your conventional lover
Let me give you my conventional love
I'll give you my heart, I'll treat you nice
And the games that I play only have twenty-sided dice
(Uh oh.... saving throw!)

And when we get to mating, I'll always treat you kind
I'll never bend you too far back, and I'll never crease your spine
But there's one thing I won't promise, there's one thing I won't do
Can't leave you in the box, babe, this collector is coming through

Let me be your conventional lover
Let me show you some conventional love
I don't mean to boast, I don't mean to brag
But I'm a man whose only issues all come in mylar bags

Let me be your conventional lover
Let me give you my conventional love
I'll give you my heart, I'll treat you nice
And the games that I play only have twenty-sided dice

Let me be your conventional lover
Let me give you my conventional love
I'll give you my heart, I'll treat you fine
And I'll make sweet love to you while we're watching Deep Space Nine

-- Speck
"Conventional Lover"
Working As Intended (2007) (although the version on Rock Band 2 is superior)

Song of the Indeterminate Time Period, 21 December 2K9

(Guitarist Dave Carroll of the Canadian country band Sons of Maxwell had the misfortune of flying down to Omaha this summer only to find his custom guitar broken when he arrived. His protest video over the runaround he experienced from United Airlines went viral, and the Brownian motion of the internets soon brought this song over to me. I've had the good fortune of not having any luggage of mine damaged, but American did lose one of my bags on two seperate trips home from Japan. The irony of this situation is United ranks right in the middle of US carriers with baggage damage claims, but the runaround was too much. This song is proof like no other that it is unwise to annoy creative types.)

I flew United Airlines on my way to Nebraska
The plane departed Halifax, connecting in Chicago's O'Hare
While on the ground, the passenger said from the seat behind me
"My God, they're throwing guitars out there!"

The band and I exchanged a look best described as "terror"
At the action on the tarmac, and knowing whose projectiles these would be
So before I left Chicago, I alerted three employees
Who showed complete indifference towards me

United (united)
You broke my Taylor guitar
United (united)
Some big help you are
You broke it, you should fix it
You're liable, just admit it
I should've flown with someone else or gone by car
'Cause United breaks guitars

When we landed in Nebraska, I confirmed what I'd suspected
My Taylor had been the victim of a vicious act of malice at O'Hare
And so began a year-long saga of pass the buck, "don't ask me"
And "I'm sorry, sir, your claim can go nowhere"

So, to all the airlines people, from New York to New Delhi
Including kind Ms. Irlweg, who says the final word from them is "no"
I've heard all your excuses, and I've chased your wild gooses
And this attitude of yours I say must go

United (united)
You broke my Taylor guitar
United (united)
Some big help you are
You broke it, you should fix it
You're liable, just admit it
I should've flown with someone else or gone by car
'Cause United breaks guitars

Well, I won't say that I'll never fly with you again 'cause maybe
To save the world, I probably would, but that won't likely happen
And if it did, I wouldn't bring my luggage
'Cause you'd just go and break it
Into a thousand pieces, just like you broke my heart
When United breaks guitars

United (united)
You broke my Taylor guitar
United (united)
Some big help you are
You broke it, you should fix it
You're liable, just admit it
I should've flown with someone else or gone by car
'Cause United breaks guitars

Yeah, United breaks guitars

-- Dave Carroll
"United Breaks Guitars"
United Breaks Guitars (2009)

Batten Down The Hatches, For I Have Discovered Facebook

So I broke down and signed up for Facebook about a week or so ago... and I am simply astounded at how many people I know from high school that are on there. More are emailing me almost every day. It's like the ten-year reunion, albeit six years late and we're scattered all over the place as opposed to being in some auditorium. If you're looking to find me on Facebook, I'm not the Minneapolis/St. Paul Jay Ramsperger.

Song of the Indeterminate Time Period, 12 October 2K9

I had a friend, was a big baseball player
Back in high school
He could throw that speedball by you
Make you look like a fool, boy

Saw him the other night at this roadside bar
I was walking in, he was walking out
We went back inside, sat down, had a few drinks
But all he kept talking about...

Glory days, well, they'll pass you by
Glory days, in the wink of a young girl's eye
Glory days... glory days...

Well, there's a girl that lives up the block
Back in school, she could turn all the boys' heads
Sometimes on a Friday, I'll stop by and have a few drinks
After she put her kids to bed
Her and her husband Bobby, well, they split up
I guess it's two years gone by now
We just sit around talking about the old times
She says when she feels like crying
She starts laughing, thinking about...

Glory days, yeah, they'll pass you by
Glory days, in the wink of a young girl's eye
Glory days... glory days...

Now I think I'm going down to the well tonight
And I'm going to drink till I get my fill
And I hope when I get old, I don't sit around thinking about it
But I probably will
Yeah, just sitting back trying to recapture a little of the glory of
Well, time slips away and leaves you with nothing, mister
But boring stories of...

Glory days, yeah, they'll pass you by
Glory days, in the wink of a young girl's eye
Glory days... glory days...

Glory days, yeah, they'll pass you by
Glory days, in the wink of a young girl's eye
Glory days... glory days...

-- Bruce Springsteen
"Glory Days"
Born in the USA (1984)

Sayonara, Farewell, Amen, Chunky Peanut Butter
(and yes, I really did use that as the title for an email)

'Cause there's no time for fussing or fighting, my friend
But baby, I'm amazed at the hate that you can send
And you... painted my entire world
But I... don't have the turpentine to clean what you have soiled
And I won't forget it
-- Bad Religion, "You"

There's damned few phrases that are more exciting and terrifying than "Last email from the George Washington". I'll freely admit that my time on board Kitty Hawk drastically colored my view of 7th Fleet. The only time GW got the lockdown while I was there was for Fast Cruise, our dress rehearsal for underway we do coming out of every yard period. And after the hell of packing up two gym lockers full of stuff, as four years is far too long to homestead on ships, I was ready for a restful flight home.

As most of the 8 people in the world who read this know, things hardly ever go that smooth for me. First leg: Tokyo to LA. 9 and a half hours, with a little girl about 18 months old and five rows ahead of me, crying loud enough to be heard by most everybody in the cabin approximately every half-hour. We get off, make it through customs ok in time for the second leg: LA to Dallas. Flight's delayed about a half hour, ok, difficult but not impossible to make the connection, provided the flight leaves at the new time. At about 1:40 PM -- five minutes after the original departure time, kiddies -- they finally let people off the plane as it was being hoteled to us from another flight. Which means they have to spend time cleaning it and getting it ready for us.

You ever see those memetic pictures of the poorly drawn guy going "FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU--"? That was me right then because I was guaranteed to miss my connecting flight over this stupid shit. At length, I get put on a new connecting flight to San Antonio and arrive about 2 hours after the original arrival time.

Next hellacious experience: buying a car.

Song of the Indeterminate Time Period, 03 March 2K9

Yeah, I get it, you're an outcast
Always under attack, always coming in last
Bringing up the past, nobody owes you anything
I think you need a shotgun blast, a kick in the ass
So paranoid, watch your back!

Oh my, here we go
Another loose cannon gone bipolar
Slipped down, couldn't get much lower
Quicksand's got no sense of humor
I'm still laughing like hell

You think that by crying to me
Looking so sorry that I'm gonna believe
You've been infected by a social disease
Well then, take your medicine!

I created the sound of madness, wrote the book on pain
Somehow I'm still here to explain
That the darkest hour never comes in the night
You can sleep with a gun
When you gonna wake up and fight... for yourself?

I'm so sick of this tombstone mentality
If there's an afterlife, then it'll set you free
But I'm not gonna part the seas
You're a self-fulfilling prophecy

You think that by crying to me
Looking so sorry that I'm gonna believe
You've been infected by a social disease
Well then, take your medicine!

I created the sound of madness, wrote the book on pain
Somehow I'm still here to explain
That the darkest hour never comes in the night
You can sleep with a gun
When you gonna wake up and fight... for yourself?

-- Shinedown
"Sound of Madness"
The Sound of Madness (2008)

My God, You Mean To Tell Me I've Not Touched This Thing In Almost A Year?!

Word life, update like a motherfucker!

So, what all has happened in my crazed life that warrants such a long hiatus, even longer than Rob T's apparent retirement?

The last voyage of the Kitty Hawk, for starters. I crossed Hawaii off my Places To Visit Before I Die List, and my mom fell in love with San Diego when my folks came up to see me. (What the hell, so did I.) And then there was Bremerton. If Sir Mix-A-Lot is writing a song about how remarkably unattractive and unintelligent a large portion of the the female population of your city is... you've got some problems.

Back in Japan for a while onboard the George Washington, helping them see what life is like out here, and no, the ship has not been on lockdown once yet.

Also, in the shock result of the year given how skewed the test was against what I've been spending the past three years doing, I made Petty Officer First Class. Which in turn catches me right up to Chris Gates, assuming he hasn't already made Master/First Sergeant.

Been getting into raiding with my tankadin on World of Warcraft, did Karazhan prior to the release of Wrath of the Lich King and recently went into Naxxramas.

IN MEMORIAM: Kenneth William Solomon, aka my last surviving grandpa, called back to the celestial home after nearly a century of devoted service. Jon Stewart may have a point about people that make the world a better place needing to stop dying, but you have clearly earned your rest.

Finally, Blog Nation, I'll be shaving my head. No, I haven't joined a cult, or even Chris's MafiaWars group he's hollering about me joining, but I'll be helping out kids with cancer. So by all means, check out the site and put some money on my melon.

Song of the Indeterminate Time Period, Part the Second: January 2K9

Grandpa, tell me about the good old days
Sometimes it feels like... this world's gone crazy
Grandpa, take me back to yesterday
When the line between right and wrong didn't seem so hazy

Did lovers really fall in love to stay
And stand beside each other come what may?
Was a promise really something people kept?
Not just something they would say?
Did families really bow their heads to pray?
Did daddies really never go away?
Ohhh, Grandpa, tell me about the good old days

Grandpa, everything is changing fast
We call it progress, but I just don't know
And Grandpa, let's wander back into the past
And paint me a picture of long ago

Did lovers really fall in love to stay
And stand beside each other come what may?
Was a promise really something people kept?
Not just something they would say?
Did families really bow their heads to pray?
Did daddies really never go away?
Ohhh, Grandpa, tell me about the good old days

-- The Judds
"Grandpa (Tell Me About The Good Old Days)"

Song of the Indeterminate Time Period, Part the First: December 2K8

It's only when your poison spins
Into the life you'd hoped to live
And suddenly you wake up in a shaken panic (now!)
You'd set me up like a lamb to slaughter
Garbo as the farmer's daughter
Unbelieveable; the gospel according to who?
I lay right down

All your sad and lost apostles
Hum my name and flare their nostrils
Choking on the bones you toss to them
I'm not one to sit and spin
'Cause living well's the best revenge
Baby, I am calling you on that

Don't turn your talking points on me
History will set me free
The future is ours and you don't even rate a footnote (now!)
So who's chasing you? Where did you go?
You disappear midsentence in a judgement crisis
I see my in and go for it, you weakened shill

All your sad and lost apostles
Hum my name and flare their nostrils
Choking on the bones you toss to them
I'm not one to sit and spin
'Cause living well's the best revenge
Baby, I am calling you on that

You savor your dying breath
I forgive but I don't forget
You work it out, let's hear that argument again
Camera Three, go, now!

All your sad and lost apostles
Hum my name and flare their nostrils
Choking on the bones you toss to them
I'm not one to sit and spin
'Cause living well's the best revenge
Baby, I am calling you on that
Baby, I am calling you on that
Baby, I am calling you on that...

-- R.E.M.
"Living Well is the Best Revenge"
Accelerate (2008)

Song of the Indeterminate Time Period, 20 May 2K8

This is the official Dean W. McFarland theme song, as the person so named has a propensity for uttering strangely homoerotic things... Anyhow, a tangent sparked by IT1 Frankmiller (it's actually two words, but for a time before he arrived, his name was pronounced as if it were but one) actually put this song back in my head...

Two-week vacation, Costa Rica, see Amor-ica
Young ladies, oh eureka! So many there to score-ica
Cruise the ocean bars with some similar-type fellows
Little Latin lovelies drinking gin and Mello Yellos

Please get me a towel
Mr. Tangerine Speedo
You're all over town
Tangerine la-la la-la la-la la-la

Nowhere to go, but nothing to do
I'll be as gentle on you as tearless baby shampoo
Back to my bungalow with flesh tone kimonos
Ah, come a little closer feel the "Sting" of my "Bono", no no no no

The talk of the town
Mr. Tangerine Speedo
How you get around
In your tangerine la-la la-la la-la la-la

Little Latin lovelies will love to drink gin
And Mello Yello in my bungalow
Lovin' me
Tangerine la-la la-la la-la la-la

All the French girls go "Zut alours, no no no no, zut alours, no no"
Coming at the target, you're as straight as Magellan
If you've got a secret weapon, well you're as sure as hell ain't tellin'
Cause your mouth made an offer that the bodies cannot veto
No woman can resist a man who looks good in a Speedo

Fuckin' get me a towel
Mr. Tangerine Speedo
You're all over town
Tangerine la-la la-la la-la la-la

Talk of the town
Mr. Tangerine Speedo
How you get around
In your tangerine la-la la-la la-la la-la

Little Latin lovelies will love to drink gin
And Mello Yello in my bungalow
La-la la-la la-la la-la
La-la la-la la-la la-la
La-la la-la la-la la-la
Zut alours, no, zut alours, no no, zut alours, no no no no no

-- Caviar
"Tangerine Speedo"
Caviar (2000)

Where's Eric Bischoff Now That We REALLY Need Him?

So I bummed a copy of the demo CD from the latest ish of PC Gamer because it purported to have a copy of the Warhammer Online intro movie. What I saw was at least 3 minutes of chubby editor-type expounding upon the Warhammer phenomenon, and not very well. It was obvious he took zero ranks in Knowledge (What The Hell He Was Talking About) skill, even holding up a freakin' golf club in the middle of his discourse. And there was not one CG movie or screenshot or gameplay reel to be seen anywhere. Long story short, it was made of chubby douchebag for 100% fail, and he overstayed his welcome by at least a good three minutes.

Song of the Indeterminate Time Period, 18 May 2K8

(Rationale: Probable Fraidy Cat Cruise #n: The Annihilation Of Our Remaining Free Time)

If the storm doesn't kill me
The government will
I've gotta get that outta my head

It's a new day today and the coffee is strong
I finally got some rest

So a man's put to task and challenges
I was taught to hold my head high
Collect what is mine, make the best of what today has

Houston is filled with promise
Laredo's a beautiful place
And Galveston sings like that song that I loved
Its meaning has not been erased

And so there are claims forgiven
And so there are things that are gone

Houston is filled with promise
Laredo's a beautiful place
And Galveston sings like that song that I loved
Its meaning has not been erased

And some things, they fall to the wayside
Their memories yet to be stilled
Belief has not failed me
And so I am put to the test

-- R.E.M.
"Houston"
Accelerate (2008)

And Gates Says I Hardly Update Anymore...

Jim over at fewl.net finds this doozy of an article by the former skipper of the Essex which succinctly speaks volumes on everything that is wrong with the Forward Deployed Naval Forces. Granted, he waited until he was retired to release it, but I'm not holding that against him. Is it any wonder I want out of Japan?

Then again, I would've been too strongly tempted to rip a page from Belkar's rulebook if I wrote that article...

Is That A Cowbell I Hear?

ITEM: Jean-Claude Van Damme will SHEEP YO' ASS, BITCH!
(It helps if you're fluent in French)

ITEM: And the Coaster of the Indeterminate Time Period goes to the Ghost Rider movie. Whoever wrote the screenplay really needs to sit down with the comics more, in between sessions of being horse-whipped for fucking up one of my favorite Marvel characters. I couldn't finish it, though I wanted to. I'd really like some flaming-headed demon motorcyclist of vengeance to go with my talking heads exposition, wouldn't you?

ITEM: And speaking of another movie that suffers from too much talking heads, I caught Tarantino's Death Proof on deployment this summer. There are some good car chases and vehicular homicide in this one, you just have to sit through a good 30-40 minutes worth of talking to get to it. I was able to get through it on the I Lived In Austin And Saw Half The Places This Movie Shows Factor, but most people would probably consider this a honkshoo movie. (Honnnnnnnnnkkk... shooooooooooooooo... get it?)

ITEM: I had heard Planet Terror (the second movie in the Grindhouse series) was better, and it didn't disappoint. The whole thing with this series is that it's designed to simulate watching a B-movie at a late 70's-early 80's grindhouse. So if you don't expect too much from it, you won't be let down. I'll give this movie The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly treatment in a later post.

ITEM: Not only is Robert Rodriguez fleshing out Machete into a full-length feature (for those of you who didn't know and/or are nigh-oblivious, Machete promises to be the world's first mex-ploitation movie and gives Danny Trejo license to be a consummate badass. Google the trailer and watch it right now. I'll wait.), but a couple of suitably twisted minds are going to the Grindhouse as well. Rob Zombie will be coming out with Werewolf Women of the SS, while Eli Roth (Hostel) is working on a slasher pic called Thanksgiving.

ITEM: Finally, on a professional note, I have my Enlisted Surface Warfare Specialist designation. It's a done deal, I'm just waiting for the paperwork to clear the ship's administration.

Report from Memewatch, 12 December 2K7

My score on The Which Lolcat Are You? Test:

Cheezburger cat

(58% Affectionate, 56% Excitable, 57% Hungry)

Sure, you deserve one. You helped popularized lolcats from a running gag to an online sensation. Now mainstream media writes asinine columns on this 'phenomenon', students write theses on the topic, programming languages adopt the grammar, and losers write tests about them on dating sites. Now take your cheezburger and never touch the internets again.

Link: The Which Lolcat Are You? Test
(OkCupid Free Online Dating)

Song of the Indeterminate Time Period, 07 December 2K7

Troubled souls unite
We've got ourselves tonight
I am fuel, you are friends
We've got the means to make amends
I am lost, I'm no guide
But I'm by your side
I am right by your side

Young lover, I stand
It was their idea, I proved to be a man
Take... my fucking hand
It was their idea, I proved to be a man
Will myself to find a home, a home within myself
We will find a way
We will find our place...

Drop the leash, drop the leash!
Get outta my fuckin' face
Drop the leash, drop the leash!
Get outta my fuckin' face
Drop the leash, drop the leash!
Get outta my fuckin' face
Drop the leash, drop the leash!
Drop the leash, we are young
Drop the leash, we are young
Get outta my fuckin' face
Drop the leash, drop the leash!
Get outta my... my...

Delight, delight, delight in our youth
Get outta my fuckin' face

-- Pearl Jam
"Leash"
Vs. (1993)

The Nanny Mentality is Alive, Well, and Living in Yokosuka, Japan

So let me get this straight: Not only do I have to write down where it is I want to go on liberty for a week in advance, but I have to call you every rutting night I'm not on duty and tell you where I am?

I realize that as military members, the upper chain of command has a vested interest in our well-being, but seriously, this is getting way out of hand. I have an idea why this is so, but you're gonna have to buy me a coupla drinks or get me to a private spot before I articulate them.

And now you know why the Pearl Jam song made the SotITP.

Song of the Indeterminate Time Period, 29 November 2K7

(Shh... quiet, you might piss somebody off)
Like me, motherfucker, you've been at it for too long
While you feed off others' insecurities
You stand in front of me and bite the hand that feeds

Self-righteousness is wearing thin
(Lies inside your head, your best friend)
Heart bleeds, but not for fellow men
(Broken glass, your fake reflection)

I've had enough, it's time for something real
I don't respect the words you're speaking
You've gone too far... a clone...

"So, how does it feel to know that someone's kid in the heart of America has blood on their hands, fighting to defend your rights so you can maintain a lifestyle that insults his family's existence? Well, where I'm from, we have a special salute we aim high in the air towards all those pompous assholes who spend their days pointing fingers...

FUCK YOU!!!"

(Shh... quiet, you might piss somebody off)
Like the heartbeat of this country when antagonized too long
I'll be damned if you count me in as part of your generous hypocrisy
Collecting enemies...

Tabloid gossip queen, worthless man
(There's no need for us to bury you)
Selfish agenda once again
(Right this way, you've dug your own grave)

I've had enough, it's time for something real
I don't respect the words you're speaking
Gone too far... a clone...

"All the way from the East to the West, we got this high society looking down on their very foundation, constantly reminding us that our actions are the cause of all their problems! Pointing their fingers in every direction, blaming their own nation for who wins elections... they've never contributed a fucking thing to the country they love to criticize!"

Excuse the obscene, ignore the untrue
Depictions we see try and get through
Admitting mistakes can hurt
I'm not the last, but I sure ain't the first

(Shh... quiet, you might piss somebody off)

Self-righteousness is wearing thin
(Lies inside your head, your best friend)
Heart bleeds, but not for fellow men
(Broken glass, your fake reflection)

I've had enough, it's time for something real
I don't respect the words you're speaking
Gone too far... a clone...

-- Avenged Sevenfold
"Critical Acclaim"
Avenged Sevenfold (2007)

(pssst! Buy the new A7X album... it rules!)