Song of the Indeterminate Time Period, 14 September 2K4

This one goes out to whoever's bright idea it was to hold urinanalysis tests in the Oh-my-God-what-are-we-doing-up-this-late'ning.

"You must die! I alone am best!"

I hope you flip some guy the bird
He cuts you off and you're forced to swerve
In front of the Beatles' tour bus
A Bookmobile, and a Mack truck
Hauling hazardous biological waste
The light turns red, you have no brakes
And Hard Copy gets it all on tape
So you can see the look on your face...

"Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die!
Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die!"

I hope your Pinto begins to spin
Takes out a disabled Vietnam veteran
Mows down a Nobel Peace Prize winner
And maybe some orphans having Christmas dinner
Perhaps even the British Royal Family
And the rabbi that's clutching the bottle-fed puppy
And we can't forget the newlyweds
And those Jerry's Kids are as good as dead

I hope this helps to emphasize
I hope this helps to clarify
I hope you die

I hope your cellmate thinks he's God
But CNN refer to him as "Bowling Bag Bob"
Serving time again for abuse of a corpse
Only this time, the victim's a Clydesdale horse
While he masturbates to photos of livestock
He does the Silence of the Lambs dance to Christian rock
Eats feces and quotes from "Deliverance"
And fights with his imaginary playmate Vince...

"Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die!
Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die!"

I hope he grins like Jack Nicholson
And forces you to play a game called "Balls on Chin"
And whatever happens next is all a blur
But you remember "fist" can be a verb
And when you finally regain consciousness
You're bound and gagged, in a wedding dress
And the prison guard looks the other way
'Cause he's the guy you flipped the bird the other day

I hope this helps to emphasize
I hope this helps to clarify
I hope you die

I hope you die!

-- Bloodhound Gang
"I Hope You Die"
Hooray For Boobies (2000)

Shitty Pun of the Indeterminate Time Period, 10 September 2K4

Kat Templeton brings us the following:

"DO IT YOURSELF: Larry Bostic, 52, and Wei Sun, 45, got into a misunderstanding over a shopping cart at a Home Depot store in Vineland, N.J. Each took a swing at the other, but missed. The struggle then escalated into a 'sword fight', police say, after each grabbed a two-by-four. Bostic got the short end of the stick: he was hit in the face. One of his teeth was knocked out, and his chin needed eight stitches. Both men were arrested on assault charges. (Vineland Daily Journal) ...They can hardly be blamed: the sign promised there was Fencing on Aisle 12."

Hey, Mr. Jennings... Roll For Surprise, Monkey-Boy

So the local MWR held its semi-regular Freebie Friday tonight, which included a gameshow-style trivia contest. So, arriving from some deserved late-afternoon slumbertude following the witnessing of the Training Support Center's change of command ceremony only to find the food gone, I settle in to watch. And watching some rocks stumble over the questions brought back that old familiar feeling... that something rank is going to be happening to them. I get in on the action in the second heat, with my modest These Two Clowns Have No Idea What They're Getting Into Here grin on. The last question of the round hinged on Culture Club's "Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?", and one of them rang in only to keep me from ringing in. And I look at him like "Cracka, please. The only way you're keeping me from getting this one is if you answer it yourself."

I handily blow them out and wait for the finals... I had that Larry Bird at the All-Star Game Three-Point Contest Y'All-Are-Playing-For-Second vibe going. Not just cool like that -- chill like that.

And if you thought last game was a blowout, this took it to new heights. I had 350 points before the next highest broke 150. (It was 500 points to win, 50 points for correct answer). I go on to win handily.

My reward for this display of General Knowledge Burnination? A free pass to Six Flags Great America, which is within 15 minutes of here. Now if I only had my car...

Aftershocks of Spyware

Last post, I extolled the virtues of Ad-Aware. I have another tool in the spyware defense shed to endorse to you all: Hijack This! It's a fine-toothed comb for your registry and IE settings. And if you have no idea what you're looking at, a handy logfile option is available for you to show somebody who knows what they're doing.

NP: Extreme, "Get The Funk Out"

Look, This Isn't Difficult

You know the carpet on your side of the room? The part with all the toejam, nail clippings, lint, and God knows what else? The part those in command of the BEQ consider a common area and will look at when they perform one of their random unannounced room inspections? Well, any grade of Unsat you get on it is my Unsat, too. Which means that I can't put in for the coveted Phase III (completely unrestricted) Liberty or have my car sent up here yet. So, Mr. Fleet Returnee, pick it up off the carpet and toss it in the trash, like you were back in a ship and your IQ was normal.

Jesus H. Guerrero.

The moral of the story, kiddies? Never share a BEQ room with anybody lazier than yourself.

And, On That Note, We Cue The Giggling

Bill Simmons just released his NFL preview (Movie du Preview: "Goodfellas")...

"Paulie may have moved slow, but it was only because Paulie didn't have to move for anybody."

To Vinny Testaverde, the best evidence we have that Bill Parcells has entered the "Vito Corleone stumbling around with an orange in his mouth" stage of his coaching career...

Here's a new plan to distract me from contemplating murder...

Song Of The Indeterminate Time Period, 9 September 2K4

I went home with the waitress
The way I always do
How was I to know
She was with the Russians, too?

I was gambling in Havana
I took a little risk
Send lawyers, guns, and money
Dad, get me out of this

I'm the innocent bystander
Somehow I got stuck
Between the rock and the hard place
And I'm down on my luck
Yes, I'm down on my luck
Well, I'm down on my luck

Now I'm hiding in Honduras
I'm a desperate man
Send lawyers, guns, and money
The shit has hit the fan

Send lawyers, guns, and money...

-- Warren Zevon
"Lawyers, Guns, And Money"
Excitable Boy (1978)

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

More From The Darin Shaffer Quote Machine

"Goldfish is cheddar-flavored crack."

If We Are What We Eat, Then I'm Fast, Cheap, And Easy

Over the past month, I figure I've eaten more McDonald's than I've eaten since I came back to Kerrville from Austin. This is shocking, to say the least.

Overheard...

The Darin Shaffer Quote Machine just keeps on rolling: "What did we learn in 'A' School today? That bunnies can act, and Happy Tree Friends is the shit."

Exactly How Many Football Gods Must I Have Offended To Be Treated To This?

So I'm strafing ESPN waiting for class to start, and end up finding this. I'll be the first to admit that the Dennis Francione Era in Aggieland is sucking hard, and that is nothing new.

What absolutely floored me and instilled Teh Fear in me is who the Tuna got to replace Qunicy Carter under center of my beloved Cowboys.

Somewhere, Bill Simmons is giggling uncontrollably.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go peel the skin off of my body.

Would Anyone Like Some Phlegm?

I've had this cough for the past coupla weeks. Kinda annoying when you have to do PT with this shit, but it's clearing up (thank God). I don't know if Rafael nurgled me or no, but I'm just glad it's passing.

Overheard...

"[Institutional] toilet paper is like [Chief Petty Officers] -- tough as nails and takes shit off nobody." -- original thought from a shipmate of mine

"There isn't anything to do in town except each other." -- another classmate, describing why the high school he graduated from had the dubious distinction of having the highest teen pregnancy rate in the nation

Love That Link Rot

Found this at the new home of Movies in Fifteen Minutes:

Great Hall, Hogwarts

GROOVY NEW DUMBLEDORE: Many thanks to the Richard Harris Memorial Toad Choir for that lovely performance. Greetings, salutations, and what up: I will be your new Dumbledore this year, which I’m sure will be fabulous despite the presence of a few hundred undernourished ringwraiths on the premises. Hagrid will be taking over the Care of Magical Creatures class despite having no teaching credentials whatsoever, and also, we have a new teacher, Professor Lupin, to fill our cursed Defense of the Dark Arts spot. Good luck making it through the year alive, Remus!

SNAPE: *gives Lupin the stink-eye*

LUPIN: Oh, I feel at home already.

Song of the Indeterminate Time Period, 25 August 2K4

Fifteen years in the Academy
Like no cadet they'd ever seen
A man so hard his veins bleed ice
And when he speaks, he never says it twice

They call him Judge, his last name is Dredd
Break the law, and you'll wind up dead
Truth and justice, what he's fighting for
Judge Dredd the man, he is the law...
DROKK IT!

With gun and bike, he rules the streets
Every perp he meets will taste defeat
Not even Death can overcome his might
Dredd and Anderson won the fight

When the Sovs started the Apocalypse War
Mega-City was bombed to the floor
Dredd resisted, and the Judges fought back
And crushed the Sovs with their counterattack...
DROKK IT!

Respect the badge
He earned it with his blood
Fear the gun
Your sentence may be death because
I AM THE LAW
And you won't fuck around no more
I AM THE LAW
I judge the rich, I judge the poor
I AM THE LAW
Commit a crime, I'll lock the door
I AM THE LAW
Because in Mega-City
I AM THE LAW!

In the Cursed Earth, where the mutants dwell
There is no law, just a living hell
Anarchy and chaos as the blood runs red
This would change if it were up to Dredd
The Book of Law is the Bible to him
Any crime committed is a sin
He keeps peace with his Lawgiver
Judge, jury, and executioner...
(DROKK IT!)

Respect the badge
He earned it with his blood
Fear the gun
Your sentence may be death because
I AM THE LAW
And you won't fuck around no more
I AM THE LAW
I judge the rich, I judge the poor
I AM THE LAW
Commit a crime, I'll lock the door
I AM THE LAW
Because in Mega-City
I AM THE LAW!

CRIME! The ultimate sin
Your Iso-Cube is waiting when he brings you in
LAW! It's what he stands for
Crime's the only enemy and he's going to war

[repeat]

Respect the badge
He earned it with his blood
Fear the gun
Your sentence may be death because
I AM THE LAW
And you won't fuck around no more
I AM THE LAW
I judge the rich, I judge the poor
I AM THE LAW
Commit a crime, I'll lock the door
I AM THE LAW
Because in Mega-City
I AM THE LAW
And you won't fuck around no more
I AM THE LAW
I judge the rich, I judge the poor
I AM THE LAW
Commit a crime, I'll lock the door
I AM THE LAW
Because in Mega-City
I! AM! THE! LAW!

-- Anthrax
"I Am The Law"
Among The Living [1987(?)]

*grumblefuckmutter*

Almost forgot this... every blog on my list has been Dilberted by this fuggin' pay terminal I'm on!

NP: Seether, "Fine Again"

Summer Camp With Guns And Cranky Petty Officers

Hey Army!
What are you doing?
Get in your tracks and follow me...

Hey Air Force!
What are you doing?
Get in your jets and follow me...

I'm in the U.S. Navy!

For the tens (and tens) of my fans who read this blog and don't know it yet, I am now officially an United Sates Sailor. Survived boot camp and everything, and using this bit of liberty to (finally) update this. (Insert your own joke about my priorities here)

And Rob, if you're wondering what to put in your listings of bloggage for the rank, it's either Seaman or SN if you like the abbrevation thing.

NP: AFI, "Third Season"

Where Was This Shirt 2-3 Years Ago?

I am so getting one of these when I graduate bewt.

Introducing For One Night Only, The Lunch Counter Bastard From Hell

So, my last day at the Chinese Kitchen was this past Friday, and there was the usual bittersweet parting as my shift ran down for the last time. As I put it, "I won't miss the work, but I'll miss the people. (Yes, even you, [Femcockbite's real name deleted].)

But, as the title suggests, I got to blow off a little good-natured steam. I promised myself that I was going to Here's Your Sign the next person who asked if we had any bags to put purchases in. (Hello, we're in a freakin' grocery store?) And it didn't take long for me to collect...

[Customer] Do you have a sack?
[Me] Nope. We just have the cushions for the little chair (*waves to the filled bag stand*) we use when we get tired. Here's your sign.

By far my biggest pet peeve was when pigfuckerscustomers would simply blurt out the name of a food item, when it's obvious that there's more than one way to dish it up. And I got a little creative here...

[Pigfucker] Chicken Fried Rice!
[Me] Is this in a plate?
[Pigfucker] Yes.
[Me] Good. I'd hate to think I'd failed to read your mind correctly this time.

Let the record reflect that this marked the first time that I was actually flipped off by a Pigfucker.

Anyhow...

Memewatch

Cookie Monster's Bulimia Nervosa

Yes, cookies *are* good. But too much of anything
is never a good thing. Instead of bingeing and
purging, try to regulate your eating habits.
Maybe instead of having two dozen cookies, you
could have two. Also, you should slow down
your eating. Chew each bite several times
before swallowing. Eating more slowly makes it
easier to tell when you are full. And don't
worry about body image--people love you just
the way you are, googly eyes and all.


Which Sesame Street Muppet's Dark Secret Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla


Because There's Only 140 More Days Until Halo 2 Comes Out

Ricky (aka the Night Stocker of the Harley, shiny head and half-twisted half-bent sense of humor) has offered to sell me his old (gently-used) Xbox, Halo, extra controller, DVD playback kit, and memory card. I'm taking him up on the offer.

In Other News...

Rainbow Six 3 owns Boatswain's Mate 2/c Neal Ervin for free.

Sleazy Pun of the Indeterminate Time Period, 19 May 2K4

We get regulars, as often happens when you work for an operation like the one I work for (for the rest of this week, anyway). I swear, one of them, with the exceptions of being taller than me and having glasses, is a dead ringer for Hanover Fiste from the Heavy Metal movie (I don't consider the Julie Strain vehicle FAKK2 as a Heavy Metal movie, but let's move on). The set I ended up dropping this unintentional Sleazy Pun on is a married couple, empty-nesters (dime a dozen in Kerrville, but I digress). The wife just got back from seeing family in Alabama, and on her first day back, goes to the freakin' deli to get her repast. So, by agreement with her husband, I give her a good-natured hard time about it:

Me: What are you doing getting food from there? Does that look like real Chinese food to you?
Her: I just call it $STORE (store name changed to variable to protect the guilty) Food.
Me: I guess that's a safe way of putting it...

Chris Needs To Give His Network People A Swift Kick In The Firewalls

And Chris, the blog's in the same place as it ever was. Either email me or I'll email you before the end of the week.

Song of the Indeterminate Time Period, 18 May 2K4 (Part The First)

I'm a pimp, you can check my stats
And rollin' the Fleetwood, that's how I mack
I rock all the tracks, so the world knows
I love all the girls, smack all the hoes
Show love to those who come real with it
Life's a bitch, but I deal with it
I'm in it to win it like Yzerman
Can drink about fifteen Heinekens
I'm not born again, but if I was
I'd ask to come back with a little more love
Puffin' a Winston, drinkin' a four-oh
Kid Rock, and I'm 'a let ya know

I'll be sittin' here, just wasting time
Drinkin', smokin', thinkin'
Trying to free my mind
I'll be sittin' here, just wasting time
Drinkin', smokin'
Trying to free my mind

I spent a couple of months in this smoky room
Eatin' shrooms, drinkin' Boone's, writing tunes
And hoping to get
One of these motherfucking songs to hit
A little bit of love, that's all I need
A little inspiration in a bag of weed
A seed to plant, so my tree can grow
You know I left my girl, 'cause I don't need that--
Hold up, wait a minute, I'm about to flow
Like a breeze through the trees
You can watch me blow
Puffin' a Winston, drinkin' a four-oh
Kid Rock, and I'm 'a let ya know

I'll be sittin' here, just wasting time
Drinkin', smokin', thinkin'
Trying to free my mind
I'll be sittin' here, just wasting time
Drinkin', smokin'
Trying to free my mind

Oh yeah, oh yeah
Free my mind...

I ain't no rough guy, ain't no tough guy
Don't get out much, and don't dress up fly
A pawn in the game, that's all I am
Giving all my ducats to Uncle Sam (fuck it)
I'm free to do what I please, little lady
I was born at night, but not last night, baby
I've been around, seen some things
I slept in dumpsters, got high with kings
I know pretty much, ain't got a lot to say
But I've got more time than Morris Day
Puffin' a Winston, drinkin' a four-oh
Kid Rock, and I'm 'a let ya know

I'll be sittin' here, just wasting time
Drinkin', smokin', thinkin'
Trying to free my mind
I'll be sittin' here, just wasting time
Drinkin', smokin'
Trying to free my mind

I'll be sittin' here, just wasting time
Drinkin', smokin', thinkin'
Trying to free my mind
I'll be sittin' here, just wasting time
Drinkin', smokin'
Trying to free my mind

Wasting my time
Hey, I'm smokin'
Hey, I'm drinkin'
Tryin' to free my mind

I've been sittin' here, just wasting time
Drinkin', smokin'
Trying to free my mind

-- Kid Rock
"Wasting Time"
Devil Without A Cause (1998)

Song of the Indeterminate Time Period, 18 May 2K4 (Part The Second)

Drove downtown in the rain
9:30 on a Tuesday night
Just to check out the late-night record shop
Call it impulsive, call it compulsive
Call it insane
When I'm surrounded, I just can't stop
It's a matter of instincts, a matter of conditioning
A matter of fact
You can call me Pavlov's Dog
Ring a bell and I'll salivate
Now how'd ya like that?
Dr. Lendy, tell me you're not just a pedagogue

'Cause right now I'm...
Lying in bed, just like Brian Wilson did
Well, I'm...
Lying in bed, just like Brian Wilson did

So I'm lying here
Just staring at the ceiling tiles
And I'm thinking about
Oh, what to think about
Just listening and relistening
To Smiley Smile
And I'm wondering if this is some kind of creative drought

Because...
I'm lying in bed, just like Brian Wilson did
Well, I'm...
Lying in bed, just like Brian Wilson did

And if you wanna find me
I'll be out in the sandbox
Just wondering where the hell
All the love has gone
I'm playing my guitar and building
Castles in the sun
And singing 'Fun Fun Fun'

Lying in bed, just like Brian Wilson did
Well, I'm...
Lying in bed, just like Brian Wilson did

I had a dream
That I was three hundred pounds
And though I was very heavy
I floated 'til I couldn't see the ground
I floated 'til I couldn't see the ground
Somebody help me, I couldn't see the ground
(Somebody help me, I couldn't see the ground)
Somebody help me...

Because I'm...
Lying in bed, just like Brian Wilson did
Well, I'm...
Lying in bed, just like Brian Wilson did

Drove downtown in the rain
9:30 on a Tuesday night
Just to check out the late-night record shop
Call it impulsive, you can call it compulsive
You can call it insane
When I'm surrounded, I just can't stop...

-- Barenaked Ladies
"Brian Wilson"
Rock Spectacle (1997)

Song of the Indeterminate Time Period, 18 May 2K4 (Part The Third)

(We had a lot of pigfuckers stop by this evening, or couldn't you tell? So, for the express-hole who dumped a cart's worth of groceries on Maria, to the fat bitch who called me an idiot for following her mother's instructions, this one's for y'all)

Feelings
Nothing more than feelings
Trying to forget my
Feelings of hate

Imagine
Beating on your face
Trying to forget my
Feelings of hate

Feelings
For all my life I'll feel it
I wish I'd never met you
You'll make me sick again

Feelings, oh oh feelings
Of hate in my mind

Feelings
Feelings like I never liked you
Feelings like I want to kill you
Live in my heart

Feelings
Feelings like I wanna deck you
Feelings like I've gotta get you
Out of my life

Feelings, oh oh feelings
The hate's in my eyes

Feelings, oh oh feelings
You're not very nice

-- The Offspring
"Feelings"
Americana (1998)

LAMEST. COOKIE FORTUNE. EVER.

"Say 'bless you' when you hear someone sneeze."

Null defecation, this was my fortune cookie fortune from dinner tonight. Instead of printing the lucky numbers below it, they shoulda had "It's just common freakin' courtesy, okay?"

In other news, Derek Fisher can NEW JACK SWING ON MY NUTS. (dap to Butch Rosser for introducing that term into my vocabulary)

Pro-Lakers Refs Can Eat A Fat Dick

And now, the answers to the second 20 of the songmeme.

21) Hey... don't write yourself off yet / It's only in your head that you feel left out / Or looked down on
Jimmy Eat World, "The Middle" (Rik hits the blocks early here)

22) When they kick at your front door / How you gonna come? / With your hands on your head / Or on the trigger of your gun?
Dropkick Murphys covering The Clash's "The Guns Of Brixton"

23) When figures from the past stand tall / And mocking voices ring above / Imperialistic house of prayer / Conquistadors who took their share
Nine Inch Nails covering Joy Division's "Dead Souls"

24) Throw down the chains of oppression that bind you / With the air of freedom the flame grows bright / We are the strong, the youth united / We are one, we are children of the light
Queensryche, "Take Hold Of The Flame" (SKOAR~~! for Rob)

25) "I'm a'pickin'..." / "And I'm a'swingin'!" / "I'm ignorant!" / "And I'm ugly!"
Ren & Stimpy, "The Lord Loves A Hangin' (That's Why He Gave Us Necks)"

26) But what we've got / Is a blue-light special on truth / It's the hottest thing with the youth / You've got nerves we need to soothe
Information Society, "Peace & Love, Inc."

27) Your mind tricked you to feel the pain / Of someone close to you leaving the game... of life / So here it is, another chance / Wide awake, you face the day / The dream is over... or has it just begun?
Queensryche, "Silent Lucidity" (Rik does it again)

28) Just on the border of your waking mind / There lies another time / Where darkness and light are one / And as you tread the halls of sanity / You feel so glad to be / Unable to go beyond / I have a message from another time...
Electric Light Orchestra, "Twilight"

29) What makes a man? / Is it the woman in his arms? / Just 'cause she has big titties? / Or is it the way / He fights every day? / No, it's probably the titties
DVDA, "Now You're A Man"

30) I'm moppin' up the comp / That's short for 'competition' / I run my lyrics / Like the Irish Mob in Hell's Kitchen
House Of Pain, "House Of Pain Anthem" (Rik got the band, and I'll accept that)

31) I can tell just by the climate / And I can tell just by the style / I was born and raised on Venus / And I may be here a while / Cause every supersonic jerkoff / Who plugs into the game / Is just like every subatomic genius / Who just invented pain
Monster Magnet, "Negasonic Teenage Warhead"

32) Guilty as charged / I've been convicted and tried / Was it too much to ask / For you to take my side?
Treble Charger, "Brand New Low" (Rob T gets this one)

33) You could've had a V8 / Instead of a trey-eight slug to your cranium / I've got six, and I'm aimin' 'em
Ice Cube, "Check Yourself"

34) In a room beyond the view / You choose to tremble in / Reinventing Christ / Who died to make it make some sense
Systematic, "Deep Colors Bleed"

35) I thought it was just a matter of time / 'Til I had a hundred reasons not to think about you
The Cult, "Painted On My Heart"

36) Contrary to the matter / Who you are, you are not / Come with me, I'll show you Saturn / Planets don't quite align
Alien Ant Farm, "Courage"

37) You've treated me like I'm always this piece of shit / You think you're in control, but you make me sick
Stabbing Westward, "The Thing I Hate"

38) She clings to me like cellophane / Fake plastic submarine / Slowly driving me insane / But now that's over
SR-71, "Right Now" (SKOAR~~! for Rik)

39) You're perfect, yes, it's true / But without me, you're only you / Your menstruating heart / It ain't bleeding enough for two
Faith No More, "Midlife Crisis"

40) They fixed up the corner store like it was a nightclub / It's permanently disco
They Might Be Giants, "Man It's So Loud In Here"

Song of the Indeterminate Time Period, 12 May 2K4

Over and over, I keep wondering why
Then I give up and see that look in your eyes
'Cause if I trip and fall, I'll be to blame
And if I hit the wall, I'll still be the same

Wasting your time with your so-called friends
The ones you adore and the ones you pretend
And it's kind of sad and deranged
But it's not so bad that it can't be explained

'Cause in my mind, it's all a waste of time
And there's no excuse at all
And I realize
Surprise, you were right all along

And I wanna know
Have I gone too far?
Have I sunk to a brand new low?
And I wanna know
If I've gone too far
'Cause I've lost all my self-control

Guilty as charged, I've been convicted and tried
Was it too much to ask for you to take my side?
'Cause there's nothing here to defend
When it's always me that you blame in the end

'Cause in my mind, it's the perfect crime
And there's no excuse at all
When I realize
Surprise, you were right all along

And I wanna know
Have I gone too far?
Have I sunk to a brand new low?
And I wanna know
If I've gone too far
'Cause I've lost all my self-control

Nothing is what it seems... to me
We're sleeping without the dreams
Without you, nothing defines me
When I'm slipping away
It's only you that can find me
And I'm over my head again
I'm falling from end to end

And I wanna know
Have I gone too far?
And I wanna know
Have I gone too far?
And I wanna know
If I've gone too far
'Cause I've lost all my self-control
'Cause I've lost all my self-control
Now I've sunk to a brand new low
(brand new low)
There's nothing to do without you
(brand new low)
There's nothing in here without you
(brand new low)
I'm slipping away without you
Have I sunk to a brand new low?

-- Treble Charger
"Brand New Low"
Wide Awake Bored (2001)

(and #32 on the Son of Songmeme list. Sorry, everybody, but Rob got it right first.)

Class Is Now In Session

The answers to the first twenty of the songmeme...

1) Turn your television off / And I will sing a song / And if you suddenly have the urge / You can sing along...
Nickelback, "Leader Of Men" (My man Rik got this one)

2) No, you needn't shed a tear / 'Cause I've got waffles and I've got beer / And I've got Mr. Belvedere...
Nerf Herder, "Welcome To My World"

3) And though my stomach may be empty / I'll feed my head from a horn of plenty...
The Uninvited, "Too High For The Supermarket"

4) And if you want to find me / I'll be out in the sandbox / Just wondering where the hell / All the love has gone...
Barenaked Ladies, "Brian Wilson"

5) Take a loaded gun and blow my fantasy away / Turn off the lights and shine the spotlight down on you...
Cold, "It's All Good"

6) We search for the truth / We could die upon the tooth / But the thrill of just the chase is worth the pain...
Dio, "The Last In Line"

7) Living on the road, my friend / Is going to keep you free and clean / Now you wear your skin like iron / And your breath as hard as kerosene...
Willie Nelson & Merle Haggard, "Pancho & Lefty"

8) "Banks and banks of humming machines! I've never seen so many knobs!"
The Propellerheads, "Bang On!"

9) Everybody always wants control over me / The only way to get it's over my dead body...
Winger, "Battle Stations"

10) Been a poor man all his life / And just when things were going right / Some stranger takes his woman away / Doesn't know if he'll see another day...
Blackfoot, "Diary Of A Workingman"

11) Whoops! Sorry about that / It's just an accident / Revenge, nobody forgets / Chop it into bits...
Faith No More, "The Perfect Crime" (all right, this and the Winger song I can't blame for snookerin' y'all since they were only found on the Bill & Ted's Bogus Journey soundtrack, one of the most underrated soundtracks EVAR in retrospect.)

12) She just woke up, but she's still tired / Is that the telephone ringing?...
Mr. Big, "Green-Tinted Sixties Mind"

13) Have you lived the experience? / Have you witnessed the plague? / People making babies sometimes just to escape...
Bad Religion, "Punk Rock Song"

14) You got to learn how to pray, love won't be enough / Admit it now, your information sucks...
The Wallflowers, "Everybody Out Of The Water (New Frontier)"

15) Between the velvet lies / There's a truth as hard as steel / The vision never dies / Life's a never-ending wheel...
Dio, "Holy Diver"

16) But sometimes the shit just seems / Everbody only wants to discuss me / So this must mean I'm dis-gust-ing / But that's just me, I'm just obscene...
Eminem, "Without Me" (Circle gets the square, Salinn!)

17) Apocalypse now, walls of flame / Billowing smoke, who's to blame / Forged from steel, iron will / Shit for brains, born to kill...
KMFDM, "Son Of A Gun"

18) And you said, 'make the world scared' / Come on, show me the sign of victory...
Accept, "Balls To The Wall" (Rik, hang your head in shame, brah! This song's on YOUR playlist!)

19) What was that move that they taught in self-defense? / You block the killer's knife move with some confidence...
Nonpoint, "What A Day" (Rik does get this one right, however)

20) And the lights, turn them off, my friend / And the ghost... will just let them in / Because in the dark, it's easier... to see...
Savatage, "When The Crowds Are Gone"

Cockbites Will Eat Themselves

So Cockbite says to me the other night that Femcockbite is starting to turn her attentions onto him. It seems to be her way, to try to be the boss of everyone. Fortunately, I won't have to deal with either for much longer.

Oh, For Fuck's Sake...

As I pointed out in "Dishmover My Butt", Dish Network's a little slow in getting one's dish moved. Now we find that they're also glacial in fixing problems with the dish. One of the transmitter heads on our dish's feedhorn went belly-up, and now we can't get some of our channels. The techs were more than happy to send somebody out...

Provided we can live without those missing channels until the 24th.

Son of the Songmeme

So interesting I'm lobbing 20 more atcha. Some of them are covers, so I'll accept either the original artist or the cover band I have the mp3 of.

21) Hey... don't write yourself off yet / It's only in your head that you feel left out / Or looked down on

22) When they kick at your front door / How you gonna come? / With your hands on your head / Or on the trigger of your gun?

23) When figures from the past stand tall / And mocking voices ring above / Imperialistic house of prayer / Conquistadors who took their share

24) Throw down the chains of oppression that bind you / With the air of freedom the flame grows bright / We are the strong, the youth united / We are one, we are children of the light

25) "I'm a'pickin'..." / "And I'm a'swingin'!" / "I'm ignorant!" / "And I'm ugly!"

26) But what we've got / Is a blue-light special on truth / It's the hottest thing with the youth / You've got nerves we need to soothe

27) Your mind tricked you to feel the pain / Of someone close to you leaving the game... of life / So here it is, another chance / Wide awake, you face the day / The dream is over... or has it just begun?

28) Just on the border of your waking mind / There lies another time / Where darkness and light are one / And as you tread the halls of sanity / You feel so glad to be / Unable to go beyond / I have a message from another time...

29) What makes a man? / Is it the woman in his arms? / Just 'cause she has big titties? / Or is it the way / He fights every day? / No, it's probably the titties

30) I'm moppin' up the comp / That's short for 'competition' / I run my lyrics / Like the Irish Mob in Hell's Kitchen

31) I can tell just by the climate / And I can tell just by the style / I was born and raised on Venus / And I may be here a while / Cause every supersonic jerkoff / Who plugs into the game / Is just like every subatomic genius / Who just invented pain

32) Guilty as charged / I've been convicted and tried / Was it too much to ask / For you to take my side?

33) You could've had a V8 / Instead of a trey-eight slug to your cranium / I've got six, and I'm aimin' 'em

34) In a room beyond the view / You choose to tremble in / Reinventing Christ / Who died to make it make some sense

35) I thought it was just a matter of time / 'Til I had a hundred reasons not to think about you

36) Contrary to the matter / Who you are, you are not / Come with me, I'll show you Saturn / Planets don't quite align

37) You've treated me like I'm always this piece of shit / You think you're in control, but you make me sick

38) She clings to me like cellophane / Fake plastic submarine / Slowly driving me insane / But now that's over

39) You're perfect, yes, it's true / But without me, you're only you / Your menstruating heart / It ain't bleeding enough for two

40) They fixed up the corner store like it was a nightclub / It's permanently disco

Answers later this week...

More Insidious Than The Sasser Worm

There's a meme going around several blogs of my friends who prefer LiveJournal for their blogging needs, and it's found its way to me. You take 20 random songs out of your playlist, quote a lyric from each, and see if people guess right.

1) Turn your television off / And I will sing a song / And if you suddenly have the urge / You can sing along...

2) No, you needn't shed a tear / 'Cause I've got waffles and I've got beer / And I've got Mr. Belvedere...

3) And though my stomach may be empty / I'll feed my head from a horn of plenty...

4) And if you want to find me / I'll be out in the sandbox / Just wondering where the hell / All the love has gone...

5) Take a loaded gun and blow my fantasy away / Turn off the lights and shine the spotlight down on you...

6) We search for the truth / We could die upon the tooth / But the thrill of just the chase is worth the pain...

7) Living on the road, my friend / Is going to keep you free and clean / Now you wear your skin like iron / And your breath as hard as kerosene...

8) "Banks and banks of humming machines! I've never seen so many knobs!"

9) Everybody always wants control over me / The only way to get it's over my dead body...

10) Been a poor man all his life / And just when things were going right / Some stranger takes his woman away / Doesn't know if he'll see another day...

11) Whoops! Sorry about that / It's just an accident / Revenge, nobody forgets / Chop it into bits...

12) She just woke up, but she's still tired / Is that the telephone ringing?...

13) Have you lived the experience? / Have you witnessed the plague? / People making babies sometimes just to escape...

14) You got to learn how to pray, love won't be enough / Admit it now, your information sucks...

15) Between the velvet lies / There's a truth as hard as steel / The vision never dies / Life's a never-ending wheel...

16) But sometimes the shit just seems / Everbody only wants to discuss me / So this must mean I'm dis-gust-ing / But that's just me, I'm just obscene...

17) Apocalypse now, walls of flame / Billowing smoke, who's to blame / Forged from steel, iron will / Shit for brains, born to kill...

18) And you said, 'make the world scared' / Come on, show me the sign of victory...

19) What was that move that they taught in self-defense? / You block the killer's knife move with some confidence...

20) And the lights, turn them off, my friend / And the ghost... will just let them in / Because in the dark, it's easier... to see...

The Reaction From The Gallery

Grand Theft Rob: I cooked at Jack - try having 35 burgers, 10 chicken sandwiches, 2 sourdoughs, a fajita, and then having more orders that don't even show on the screen
Jaybatdel97: Good God.
Jaybatdel97: But for the same person?
Grand Theft Rob: yep, by myself. And I've handled even worse than that.
Grand Theft Rob: um....
Grand Theft Rob: We got ...40,50,60 dollar orders on ocasion
Grand Theft Rob: not that often, but it did happen. It'd be like seven, eight, nine bags of food.
Jaybatdel97: Thankfully, the highest dollar amount I've seen is roughly $30 thereabouts.
Grand Theft Rob: We got one walkin order for 20 #7s (Bacon Ultimate - that is 40 PIECES OF MEAT.) one time.
Jaybatdel97: Wow... was he feeding a basketball team or something?
Grand Theft Rob: I didn't take the order, so I didn't ask. I was on the fryers, so I dropped three baskets of fries and then went to help the cook.
Grand Theft Rob: Michelle, as it happened. She looked up - heh. I still remember that look she gave me. "Is this a joke?" "Me: nope. It's fah real." Her: unprintable."
Grand Theft Rob: at least she had me to back her up - a lot of times I was on the grill and if Michelle or Rick or Linda wasn't around, none of the assholes would help me if I was getting slaughtered.
Jaybatdel97: I feel your pain, brah. I feel your pain.
Jaybatdel97: We're still missing somebody from the staff, and it's causing even the other steady performer on the line not to help me if I'm being slaughtered.
Grand Theft Rob: I hated that shit - the same people that would SCREAM at me to help them if they were cooking would just look at me like "where's MAH FOOD?" if I was cooking. And the damnest thing is when I'd look at them like they were a fucking clown shoe, they'd get mad
Grand Theft Rob: like they were fucking blind and couldn't see me running around trying to do 20 things at once
Grand Theft Rob: the horror-laden world of fast food.
Grand Theft Rob: at least you can come home to sat TV now!
Jaybatdel97: Yes yes yo.

All Right, So Jackie Brown Sucked, But This Is Good, Really

Wonder of wonders, the theater in this two-horse town actually picked up the second half of #4 for Quentin Tarantino, and I just came back from seeing it. It answers a number of questions the first film asked, such as...

• What is The Bride's real name?


• Does The Bride get to kill Bill?


• Will Quentin Tarantino appear in this story as a character?


• How did Elle Driver lose her right eye?


• If all the women in the Deadly Viper Assassination Squad have snake names, then what are Budd's and Bill's?


• And the big question posed by Bill at the end of Vol. 1 (no, I ain't gonna tell you what it was!)

There's one part in the movie that my man Chuck Blend (for many years, the purveyor of Mandatory Maison Ikkoku at Texas A&M) would call "a very nice sequence", though. As for the soundtrack, there's not that many reach-out-and-smack-you-with-its-awesomeness songs on there like there was in Vol. 1. The one that stands out now would be the song that plays when The Bride squares off against her would-be sifu, Pai Mei, for the first time.

All in all, Quentin Tarantino is back with a vengeance.

Simply Point, Grunt, And Enjoy For Lunch Or Dinner

As the title of this piece suggests, I feel like griping about work today. I seem to be getting an inordinate amount of people wandering through my line with Big-Ass Orders, i.e. the kind that make you think somebody's ordering chow for an entire ship's division. I mean, a bunch of people get their combo dinners and head home, and I can respect that. But lately, I've been getting the kind of muthafuggas who open things up with "Let me get a Dinner For Two and a Dinner For Four" or, worse yet, they just start tacking on king-size portions of food a la carte until they've ordered enough for four or more. CRIMINY.

Now y'all know why I didn't rate as a cook.

Finally...

As I predicted earlier, I now have honest-to-God satellite programming in my room. I turned on the TV for ha-has and saw Macross Plus on it. Life is good.

Now if some kind soul with a good deal of disposable income would be so kind as to buy me this...

Update to "Dishmover My Butt"

Well, it turns out I have a dish receiver in my room now, but it does NOT pick up any channels that the other two receivers do. Dad is looking into it, but I expect a turnaround time of, oh, say, end of this week.

Cockbite Quote of the Indeterminate Time Period

"I'm a nice guy when I'm not being an asshole."

I Knew My Mom Was A Hot Lady, But This Is Ridiculous

Easter festivities at Chez Ramsperger have been cancelled on account of Mom burning up with fever. And just when the focus of conversation at work was said Easter festivities. I had picked up extra Easter candy on account of a distinct lack of fresh Cadbury Creme Eggs, which has through this purchase, been rectified. That's the best part of Easter since the egg hunts fell off around my neck of the woods, and I don't know any retailer around here that's doing egg hunts for adults like the one I heard about on the Eyewitness Newsreel last night (up in some Eastern state with jewelry inside the eggs). Le sigh.

I Do Have My Moments

Most of the time, I'm afflicted by the syndrome of witty remarks coming to mind roughly five to fifteen minutes after the perfect time for them. But when I'm on my game, I come up with gems such as this one...

Customer (upon seeing my grimacing): Must be having one of those days your mother didn't tell you you'd have...
Me: Actually, Mother did tell me I'd have days like this. I just wasn't expecting four of them all at once.

I broke said customer, not to mention the cockbite, up with laughter at that one.

Happy Easter, Blog Nation... now enjoy Nickelback.

Dishmover My Butt

We are more or less settled into the new place, but we still don't have our satellite hook-up yet! And the slackasses down our way have us pencilled in all right... for NEXT. WEEK.

Dish Network: Great shows, but God help you if you ever move!

Song of the Indeterminate Time Period, 28 March 2K4, Part the First

No time now for losing tempers
Or filling up with rage or anger
Flying off the handle could be detrimental
Calmer heads are called for here

A breath or two might be applied
We'll count to ten and then decide
Rash decision, crash collision
Damage done beyond repair

Kinder words here we could pick
A kind approach might do the trick
Hurt you, hurt me, well, that needs to stop
Kinder words here we could choose
We kinda got a lot to lose
The temperature, we need that to drop

A wrong move now might spell disaster
A selfish one might spell it faster
Let's relax, review the facts
For all involved, it might be best

A world of difference might be made
If our next move could be delayed
We'll sort it out and we'll talk about
Just what it was that caused this mess

Kinder words here we could pick
A kind approach might do the trick
Hurt you, hurt me, that's the worst thing we could do
Kinder words here we could choose
We kinda got a lot to lose
Watch what we say, don't walk away, we'll see it through

[lead break]

Kinder words here we could pick
A kind approach might do the trick
Hurt you, hurt me, well, that needs to stop
Kinder words here we could choose
We kinda got a lot to lose
The temperature, we need that to drop

-- The Mighty Mighty Bosstones
"Kinder Words"
Question the Answers (1994)

Song of the Indeterminate Time Period, 28 March 2K4, Part the Second

The Champs, "Tequila"

Honorable Mention goes to "Jose Cuervo" by Shelly West, but the gender-specific pronouns and situations tend to be the deal breaker there.

Reason for the selection is simple. We've been getting into making homemade lemonade in the back, and it's pretty darn tasty. Even Mike the manager likes it. Since most of our crew is Hispanic, we started jokingly referring to it as "tequila".

Ladies And Gentlemen, We Have A Winner...

The steam table at work has these detachable bars for holding food pans up. Over the course of a day, these can get rather grody with the leavings of sauces, chicken bits, and what not. Now, normally, these get trucked into the back to be washed with the rest of the dishes. But one guy at work makes no bones about his flat-out refusal to do them. And scrubbing them up front simply Does Not Work with the meager dishcleaning resources available there. It should be noted that nobody else at work, not even the aforementioned Femcockbite, has this problem, preferring to do them up like good little team players. So I toss them into the dishwater, and he chucks them into the sanitizing sink without doing them one bit.

So, B.B. (and I ain't talking about the EMTette tabledriven by the Dudleyz at the first Smackdown! I ever went to live), you are forthwith dubbed a certified Cockbite.

Guess Who's Back? Back Again?

Rob's back off hiatus, and so am I!

Here's his take on the whole situation (less his Closed Captions for the Thinking Impaired):

"Things that have happened since I put my blog on hiatus:
Johnny B got fired.
Butch lost his girl.
Jay lost his girl.
Mikedean turned into a giant uptight dork. (Just kidding. Maybe. BITCH.).
Brock Lesnar left the WWE for football
Matt Spaulding ended up owing on his taxes.
The switch on Easy's brain didn't work. And they brought back the Mullets in spite of his fervent hatred.

Clearly, this blog must be restored or Blog Nation will be homeless in boxes."

Alk is more excited about his move than anybody is entitled to. Of course, he's been in the whole apartment routine ever since I've known him, so getting something with an honest to God yard is thrilling for him. My new digs have an honest to God front yard and fenced-in backyard too, except this is the first time in oh, say, nine years off and on I've been living with my parents that said yards do not contain livestock.

Speaking of mullets, I have officially seen everything as far as mullets go. There was a guy in the store tonight with his head shaved clean, except for the nape of his neck, which was doing the mullet thing. I suppose you might call that a "bal-mullet" or something.

KHAAAAAAAAANNNNN!!!!!!!!!

This seems to sum things up nicely across Blog Nation, methinks.

Here's why:

• Butch's newfound flame drops the Dreaded F-Bomb (and I am not talking about For Unlawful Carnal Knowledge)


• Right about the same time my own newfound flame did so


• Rob T's on blogging hiatus


• Johnny B essentially got screwed out of his (admittedly shite) job


• I got in to work to find that I was short by $40-50 last week with no clue as to how that happened (Instant writeup, just add water)


• Brock Lesnar may be going to play football full time as opposed to wrestling


• My folks are moving over the course of the next two weeks (and as anybody who knows me will tell you, moving is an event I welcome as enthusiastically as oral surgery sans anesthesia)

Good things as of late:

• Chris is back in the States


• Wrestlemania XX results, for the most part -- Cena, Eddy, and Benoit went over (nice to see the traditional underdogs get their time in the sun)


• I got named Recruit Chief Petty Officer of the DEP recruits for Naval Recruiting Station Kerrville (Sailor Jay is gonna make things happen, provided he survives boot)

And They Say Swords & Sorcery Movies Get Shafted By The Academy...

This past weekend, Lord of the Rings: The Return Of The King won every Academy Award it was nominated for, incuding Best Picture. This vote by the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences averted worldwide nerd riots. ;)

In Other Movie News

So my grandma got me a seat for a showing of The World's Most Expensive Passion Play, which you will only have not heard of if you have spent this year and the last living under a rock. And what some have said is true: you don't watch it, you live it.

I am issuing an open challenge to everybody who reads this, no matter what your use for Judeo-Christian teachings is, to watch the flogging scene without wincing or flinching. I've seen a bunch of gory films in my time, and I couldn't watch that and not flinch. It literally moved my mom to tears.

So I get back to my favorite IRC channel, and one of the regulars, who happens to be one of the most irreverent people I know, asks "Whodunnit?"

My response: "If I were God, the High Priest of the Sanhedrin would be on the Go To Hell, Go Straight To Hell, Do Not Pass Go, Do Not Collect 200 Shekels List."

Briefly...

A little quote from Gryphon that caught my fancy: "There are the huge, towering problems that sometimes seem completely insurmountable and demoralizing, like my apparent inability to get hired by anyone who isn't a complete asshole, or the fact that I'm living in a timid century and won't live to see the next great age of exploration, or the way the government seems to get a little more sinister and manipulative every day and there doesn't seem to be anything anyone can do to stop it.

And then there are the things that are just really, really annoying."

I could think of millions of things and people at my job that fit the latter description: the alarms on the freezer doors that go off whenever we're too harried to close them; the people who answer "fried rice" when you ask them what kind of rice they want, like they can't see that you have THREE DIFFERENT VARIETIES of said food right under their noses; and the one PITA coworker who had the unmitigated GALL to say I never help with the cleaning, even though I went to do the dishes and was instructed by our collective manager to go up front to help the servers out because we were getting slammed, and on top of all that, this witch was within earshot when I offered to clean the front windows on the heat table that everybody and their dog who comes through the line loves to put their fingers on, only to be instructed to stay on the serving line and help there.

Congratulations, V.G., you are the first female cockbite to be recorded since I started documenting them.

Memewatch (Third-Hand Version)

This is third-hand because I got it from Chris (who got it from Matt):



create your own personalized map of the USA
or write about it on the open travel guide

And now, my own comparably pathetic list of countries:



create your own visited country map
or write about it on the open travel guide

Song of the Indeterminate Time Period

Don't look now, things just got worse
I'm drunk again
I swear, this crescent is just a curse
I got here... by killing off all my friends
I think I've figured it out
My life begins when the fun ends

I got my wings
I'm free to go as I please
Yeah, I got my wings
Now nothing really pleases me

'Til everything falls apart
Then I get to try to put it back together
Yeah, it falls apart
And you can count on that
You can count on bad, bad weather again

Was it good?
I don't remember much about it
When things start to feel right
You can count on me to start to doubt it
And the devil's not in the details
No, the devil is in my pants
And it's shoot first, apologize later
Another quick and new sure-shot romance

Well, I got what I wanted
Now I don't want anything
Yeah, I got what I wanted
Now my life is just boring

'Til everything falls apart
Then I get to try to put it back together
Yeah, it falls apart
And you can count on that
You can count on bad weather this year

I met God this afternoon
Riding on an uptown train
I said, "Don't You have better things to do?"
He said, "If I do My job, what would you complain about?
So I let it go to hell, now I'll have something to do"
He said, "I'll let it go to hell
Does that sound familiar to you?"

Well, everything falls apart
Then I get to try to put it back together
Yeah, it falls apart
And you can count on that
You can count on bad, bad weather--

Well, everything that falls apart, baby
Sooner or later, gonna come back together
Well, everything that comes together, hey,
Sooner or later gonna fall apart again
And you can call it anything you want
They're gonna take it all away from you
You're gonna wake up, wake up, wake up,
And find yourself lost again...

-- Dog's Eye View
"Everything Falls Apart"
Happy Nowhere (1997)

The Day The "B~~!" Died

Let me tell you a story about my man Roger over in the bakery. His official position, as near as I can tell, is Store Brand French Bread Hawker. What makes him special is when he gets on the store intercom to do his hawking, several times a day. It's not so much the pitch as the way he caps it off. He does this the way I think Butch would if he had Roger's job.

"As always, we'd like to thank you for shopping H-E-B~~!"

The tilde-bangs don't do it justice. It's the kind of 'B' pronunciation you'd expect to hear in a nightclub. It generally made a lot of people's day whenever he'd be working and deliver that line.

Now, imagine my surprise when I get into work today and hear Roger's voice over the intercom, and the line comes. This time, the HEB part ends the way everybody else says it. So I run into him while he's gone to the front to hawk bread and I'm coming back with more quarters for my till (a lot of people LOVE to break twenties on me), and I ask him about it.

It turns out that a small minority of old fogies customers had an issue with The B~~! Line, and took it up with management, who then quietly convinced Roger to stop the practice.

Hello, y'all, my name is Jay R., I'm white, and I'm damned ashamed of it.

I Should Be Getting Used To This, But...

So I got called down to San Antonio to spend the night with my sister and her family because Dad was worried about potential ice on the road. Why I'm in San Antonio is something that is quite frankly not for public consumption. I had planned on leaving the house around 7:30 before this thing came up, namely that my sister and brother-in-law (or as I like to call them, Lucky Muthafugga and Wife) are spending the weekend in the City of Lights. Yep, they're going to Paris. And I get the job of trucking their brood back to Kerrville.

Anyway, I am awakened at 0545 by the plaintive cries of my nephew, who has managed to soil himself overnight and is calling for his mother in the way of the very young. By the time the smoke clears, I am on the road at 0700. After a wrong turn down Loop 410 (construction making most arteries in Northwest SA look a lot alike), I arrive at my destination an hour and a half early.

You guessed it... hurry up and wait.

Son of Cheesy Puns

Am I the only one who looks at an advertising blurb for Metal Gear Solid: The Twin Snakes (or MGS Goes GameCube!) and has the phrase "Forget it, Snake, it's Chinatown" run through his head?

I Know This Is A Week Old, But...

I swear, Janet's boob got more press than the finish of the game, which was one of the more fantastic ones in recent memory. I didn't see said nipplege personally, as the family took halftime at the dinner table. You know a finish is fantastic if it can tear you away from Neverwinter Nights to see it. The real Carolina Panthers showed up in the second half, much to my grandmother's delight (she simply didn't like the grabby grabby of Old England's second half game).

However, in the end, it came down to boots: that of John Kasay, who shanked the kickoff following the TD that capped the Panthers' comeback, giving the Pats the ball at the 40; and that of Adam Vinatieri, who once again proved clutch after missing one FG and having his only other attempt before this one blocked. Kasay seems destined to add his name next to Ian Montgomery, Scott Norwood, and the other placekickers who blew it when the game was on the line.

The Things You Think About While Working...

[WARNING: Cheesy puns ahead! You have been warned.]

o/~ Soy... un tenedor... I'm an utensil, baby, so why don't you use me? o/~

Now, Do You Want Your Crow On The Dinner Combo, Or The Super Combo?

(Chinese Kitchen joke, y'all. Sorry.)

In the end, it turned out that Bill Simmons's rule about the Detmers being one hard QB hit away from warming up on the sidelines held sway.

Way to go, Philly chumpstains. You snookered Chris, Rob, and most importantly, me. The conference championship weekend gave us all a lesson in just how smart we aren't, and made me take note that Carolina coach John Fox's defensive skills were highly underrated by this circle.

Now, if you can beat New England in my home state this coming Sunday, then I might just take my hat off to ya.

I strongly doubt it, though.

In other news, I'd play some Whitesnake (namely "Is This Love?") for Butch, but others are picking the music better than me.

Mandatory Football Picks Post

Carolina @ Philly

QB Quality: Donovan F. McNabb (known quality) v. Jake Delhomme (unknown quality). Advantage: Philly

Coaching Quality: I couldn't tell you the name of Carolina's coach, but he's done well to get the Panthers to this point. However, Quincy Carter was shakier than a Jenga tower and Mike Martz was a pussy (37 seconds left, inside the red zone, one timeout left, and you play for the TIE?!). Donovan McNabb isn't (at least this year), and Andy Reid certainly isn't. Advantage: Philly

Running Game: Stephen Davis on bum wheels (and understudies) v. The Incredibly Annoying (fantasy-wise) Running Game By Committee. Advantage: PUSH

Defense (Front 7): Advantage: PUSH
(Secondary): Advantage: Philly

My Pick: Philly

Indianapolis @ New England

QB Quality: Peyton Manning, Born Again Hard v. Tom Brady, Super Bowl Veteran. This will be telling in that so much of both their offenses are pass-oriented. Slight Advantage: Indy

Coaching Quality: Tony Dungy v. Bill Bellichick (sp?), two men in the upper echelon of NFL coaches. However, one has been to a Super Bowl and won, the other has not. Slight Advantage: Old England

Running Game: Edgerrin James v. the iffy Antowain Smith. If the weather turns nasty, look for Edge to have a big day. Advantage: Indy

Kicking Game: Vanderjagt is fairly good, as his string of FGs can attest to. But Adam Vinateri is clutch like he was in the Super Bowl, and proved to be the deciding factor against Teh Flaming Thumbtacks. Advantage: Old England

My Pick: I'd really like Indy to win this, but New England's going to be TOUGH to beat at home. However, you can count on at least one game a playoff weekend running 180 degrees from popular opinion... If I had the money, I'd not be betting a lot of it on this game.

Briefly...

So I managed to eke out a 6th place finish in the Jacksux League, despite my timeshare in the cellar during the regular season. Johnny B, the Ewok who cockblocked me on Priest muthafuggin' Holmes, ended up winning the trophy. Lesson: He who controls Priest muthafuggin' Holmes, controls the league.

You know you play too much Guilty Gear or hang around fans of that game too much when you see people from a new church proleystizing on the busiest intersection in town, holding a sign that says "Heaven or Hell?" and the first thought in your head is... "DUEL 1... LET'S ROCK!"

Song Verse of the Indeterminate Time Period, on or about 16 January 2K4

You juice your fuckin' friends like Dracula
But when we kick you out, you're just broke-ula
You left a big surprise from Pacific Bell
Called all your relatives and your friends in Hell
Now let me tell you something
You fuckin' piece of shit
You'll never have no money
Now tell me, was it worth it?
You leave a trail of lies
That's why you keep moving
We won't come after you
We'd only end up proving
In the end, revenge sends ends to the defendant
I know that statement's true
I wear it like a pendant
I know you'll hear this song
And so I think it's funny
The name is T-------- H----
Thief of trust and money

311
"Silver"
Grassroots (1994)

Real friends don't pay their friends for services rendered with rubber checks, and make them wait over five months (and counting) to make good on them.

You know who you are, fucktard.

A Farewell To Cockbites, or I Get Canned More Than Tuna

This was part of the mammoth post I had together until M$AIEEE decided it wanted to suck. Some of you already know that I got canned from the job I had the last time I wrote about the cockbite. What you may not already know is that it took me the better part of a month to find a replacement. I'll be frying rice at a supermarket chinese place for a while. Wish me luck...

Briefly...

• Chris, you're being too kind by wishing both cancer and AIDS upon your identity thief. Two words, my friend: Ebola Zaire.



• The Condemning Church has changed its name to something more friendly. The word I got was that the pastor made the initial name change to prove a point. I'll have a photo of the signs in front as soon as I can get a camera out there and scan the pic in.



• No new Red vs. Blue because the guys are snowed under in Chicago? FUCKING JIHAD ON COLD FRONTS!

Memewatch



Congratulations! You're Merry!

Which Lord of the Rings character and personality problem are you?
brought to you by Quizilla



You are naturally born with a gift, whether it be
poetry, writing or song. You love beauty and
creativity, and usually are highly intelligent.
Others view you as mysterious and dreamy, yet
also bold since you hold firm in your beliefs.

What Type of Soul Do You Have ?
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Which Guilty Gear X character are you?

Mutha-pusbucket...

I get a good-sized post together, and M$AIEEEEE eats it! :P

NP: Drowning Pool, "Tear Away"

Since it wouldn't be an entry into my blog without a reference to the cockbite, lemme get that out of the way first. I've found myself testing ancient video cards and performing dissections of old boxen at work, and that means I have access to a net-connected computer to look up various specs and what not. I've been listening to the net.feeds of my favorite SA radio station, which frees me from listening to what I've taken to calling KockBITe-FM Kerrville. This also means I've been getting the net-only commercials as well, which sound indistinguishable from email spam (as two out of the three are ads for Male Climax Helper Du Jour), but I digress.

Cockbite also uses this box to surf during lunch. And he closes all the windows when he's done. One of those windows is the internet radio feed, which only slightly miffs me. So I leave a notepad message kindly asking him not to close the windows I have open when he gets done, telling him I don't mind if he uses this box to surf, basically being a nice guy about it.

Cockbite responds in character:

This is not your computer to mind. If you didn't have so many windows open, I wouldn't have to close them, or the pop-ups.

You handle picking and packing, bucko. I would think that I'm the primary user of this system, even though you and I both know damn well that we're borrowing it from our collective employer.

I installed Pop-Up Stopper today, so that should take away his grounds for bitching. Not that he needs much...

There Must Be Burnination, Nay, KEELHAULING, And It Starts At Disney

Is there some kind of copy protection on the Pirates of the Caribbean DVD that kicks in whenever it detects that the DVD player is plugged in through a RF cable? That's about the only explanation I can come up with after THREE copies of said DVD did the same damn thing when put in my DVD player, and no amount of DVD setting legerdemain could rectify it.

This Needs To Happen:

Thought while watching the UK version of Robot Wars: Get both Mick Foley and UK host Craig Charles (Lister on "Red Dwarf" for those of us not named Martin Leggett nor familiar with that series) to co-host Robot Wars. And for the love of Jaysis, KEEP THE UK PLAY-BY-PLAY ANNOUNCER!

Until then, enjoy House of Pain and their song "Beef Jerky"...

I've Heard Of Goat Lockers, But This Is Ridiculous

Well, you'd figure a cockbite-free workplace couldn't last, and it didn't. But enough about him.

I got home this fine evening to find that almost every one of our rather modest goat herd (of five) had jumped the fence into the neighbors' property. And so, me and my dad had the solemn task of hooking up the trailer and rounding the little shits up. A task which was complicated by the neighbors' goat kids deciding they wanted to see what was going on, to the point of crawling under the trailer to see.

I also would have been watching Pirates Of The Caribbean, but the DVD we picked up from the grocery store rental counter was, not to mince words here, fucked up.

I'll give you a review as soon as I get a copy that Doesn't Suck.

o/~ I'm rocking the boonies... like Charlie Daniels did / I'm rocking the boonies... except he was talented... o/~

For want of much new material, I'm linking selections from webcomics.

Webcomic Quote of the Indeterminate Time Period (Part The First): "I want to know how this small town barely gots a mall, but it can support fourteen Tim Horton's." -- Robin, It's Walky!

Simply swap Tim Hortons for convenience stores, and that's Kerrville for ya.

WQotITP (Part The Second): "HE IS THE RUINER OF WORLDS!"

Now how bad is it when your mom looks over your shoulder while you're blogging? Granted, she's not the kind to make a habit of it, but I just now found myself in the unenviable position of having to explain the Blog Phenomenon to her.

Moving on, I can't believe that I've pulled out only my second win in my fantasy league. I used to be a frontrunner last year.

o/~ Wastin' away again in Pigskin-Loser-Ville / Searching for my lost shaker of salt / Some people claim that Limbaugh's to blame / But I know... it's that damn Ewok's fault o/~

And in other words, NO COCKBITE AT WORK TODAY!

That's all for now, Blog Nation... and now, performing their classic "The Thing That Should Not Be," here's Metallica!

Huck Fum

NP: Down By Law, "Haircut"

I finally got myself a steady job. It's good money (for Kerrville *spit*), but compared to what I was making, it leaves a little to be desired.

In my past jobs, Randal's Maxim held sway: "This job would be great if it wasn't for the fuckin' customers."

Well, this job in particular would be great if it wasn't for the fuckin' coworkers. Specifically, one coworker in particular. A number of you might laugh and smile that Been There, Done That, Burned The T-Shirt tight-lipped grin, but let me do the PSA on this guy anyway.

You ever have a coworker who has to have things exactly his way?

This guy has to subject us all to his rather dubious musical taste. Any CD I bring in, he rejects out of hand. Even things I believe everyone can enjoy, like Rancid or Metallica, or even Down By Law. If I beat him to the punch and put in one of my CDs, he takes it out and puts in one of his own. Doesn't even wait for it to finish or nothin'.

Granted, some of his selections are not all that bad, but for every FUGAZI~~~~ or AT THE DRIVE-IN~~~~, there's some band I've never heard of (Hot Water Music's "One Step To Slip" is my new Inexplicable Musical Mark while The Pixies I can take or leave), or stuff like Propaghandi (whose politics are waaaaay too... leftist for my taste. "Meat Is Murder"? Who axed you?)

However, this guy is a fhuge Hum fan. You know, the guys who did that "she missed the train to Mars" song? The rest of their music is in that vein. Now, I've got nothing against that band personally, and I think their music is quite fine in small doses.

What really gets my goat is that this cockbite (and yes, I call him that, sometimes even to his face) absolutely INSISTS on playing the same five to six CDs. EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.

And of those five or six, two of them are every Hum CD released from Downward Is Heavenward onward.

Today, I finally asked him straight up, "could you not play the same CDs every day?"

Cockbite has the unmitigated gall to say "Look who's talking!"

The sheer pot-kettle-blackness of that remark was astonishing.

The other coworker my age (another self-proclaimed "ultra-leftist"), thankfully, does not have the same ass-tastic taste in music (although why he doesn't like 311's Grassroots is beyond my ability to comprehend). Among his collection is Peter Tosh's Equal Rights (old-school reggae, and it's an education to listen to what William Gibson must have been listening to when conceiving some concepts for Neuromancer -- Wintermute calling Molly "Stepping Razor" when communicating to the Rastas being a prime example).

Unfortunately, the times when Cockbite deigns to let him play his stuff are few and far between, and almost always when Cockbite is out of the office.

It's enough to make you throw all his CDs in the microwave for a couple of minutes, just so he will be bothered to bring in some new shit.

The constant station-surfing of my DEPper group on the way to Randolph AFB to catch the Blue Angels seems ambrosial by comparison.

Speaking of which, to that guy who was "raised by wolvs" who filled out the card to get into the Navy Mobile Flight Sim ride and changed the wording on the disclaimer to read "will be used to send you lies and bullshit propaganda designed to brainwash":

If you felt that strongly about the military, then WHAT IN THE NAME OF BILLY MITCHELL'S WANG WERE YOU DOING AT A MILITARY AIRSHOW?

There's at least one Bosun's Mate who has a few choice words for you on that subject. Or better yet, why don't you join and find out first hand what sacrifices people make for the freedoms you enjoy?

Who knows, maybe you'll learn how to spell "wolves".

Quite possibly, Role Model Of The Year, 2K3

No, not Vinegar Boy, Aaron.

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid:	Low
Schizoid:	Low
Schizotypal:	Moderate
Antisocial:	Moderate
Borderline:	Low
Histrionic:	High
Narcissistic:	Moderate
Avoidant:	Moderate
Dependent:	Low
Obsessive-Compulsive:	Moderate
-- Personality Disorder Test - Take It! --

Note to Chris: I'll put in to get posted to Everett after A-School, and then I'll kick your ass.

That is, if Pensacola doesn't immediately take me on for the STA-21 program, in which case I'll make you salute me, and then I'll kick your ass. ;)

No, it's not for buying a Dell. After all, friends don't let friends buy Compaq Comcrap.

It's not even for your new title for your link to here. I seriously flirted with the idea of getting an uniform shirt early and stencilling in "Staines" for the nametag, but I figured it was something Navy Recruiting Command would frown upon.

But enough of the Explosion of High Impact for a sec.

In other news, I might just save the Navy the expense of getting me my A+ certification after all. More details as events warrant.

From the Poor Choice Of Words Or Truth In Advertising? Dept.:

There is a church in Kerrville that calls itself the First Condemning Church of Kerrville.

I swear I am not making this up.

Makes you wonder what their services are like, and it's certainly no church I'd like to belong to. I believe that if you have faith, then you should be celebrating it instead of condemning everybody else. And to top it all off, you've all doubtlessly heard the story of the general who had a few choice words about Islam, namely that another holy war is in progress in the Middle East. And to think I might find myself under such a person's command...

My parents have a copy of CS Lewis's The Screwtape Letters, but the quote I'm reminded of comes from the companion piece, Screwtape Proposes A Toast:

"I see, and smell, that even under wartime conditions the [Tempters' Training College] cellar still has a few dozen of sound old vintage Pharisee... You know how this wine is blended? Different type of Pharisee have been harvested, trodden, and fermented together to produce its subtle flavour. Types that were most antagonistic to one another on Earth. Some were all rules and relics and rosaries; others were all drab clothes, long faces, and petty traditional abstinences from wine or cards or the theatre. Both had in common their self-righteousness and the almost infinite distance between their actual outlook and anything [God] is or commands."

Crunchy Juicy Sacrelige -- Muslims, I apologize in advance

Next week: Another rousing round of Where The Fuck Have All The Jobs Gone?

*snickersnickersnicker*

No, let me rephrase that.

BWAH-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

There is nothing to lift the soul quite like the Aggies treating a Big 12 conference team like North Texas or some other no-account football school.

Josh is going to be insufferable because he can now say "Top 25 my Oklahoma ass", but the Red River Blowout is becoming quite a spectacle. Of course, seeing t.u. lit up for 55+ points always brings a smile to this Ag's face.

More to follow.

Kerrville. Shit. I can't believe I'm back in fucking Kerrville.

And to think I've hardly said a word to my parents until I said yes to their offer to take me back in.

Everyone gets everything he wants. I wanted to see my family again, and for my sins, I did.

Ok, now that I'm done bastardizing Martin Sheen in Apocalypse Now, y'all know that I am back in Kerrville, and it's raining cats and dogs, so I can't get my own comp out to put this into. It is nice to be able to watch football again, for someone who's had to rely on tapes, DVDs, and the ol' computer for my daily bombardments of microwave radiation, but there's a few things that are sticking in my craw already, aside from the obvious.

When It's Bad: You get an impromptu lecture on Ways You Could Be Better Off Spending Your Money from your dad when he finds all the comics you've bought over the years you've been living on your own, even though you haven't bought any comics in several months.

When It's Really Bad: You get cautioned by your dad about your stash of Maxim magazines he uncovered while helping you pack your stuff, for fear of a conniption fit from one's own maternal unit.

When You Begin To Believe That You've Made A Serious Error In Judgement: You get the same maternal conniption fit caution about your anime collection.

Now, don't get me wrong. I've always liked anime, despite what certain people say about me being possessed by the spirit of Nathan Loney. And people who know my anime viewing habits know that I'm not down with the TRM (for the uninitiated, that stands for Tentacle Raping Monsters). But you see, I have this problem. My mom's Religious, with all that comes with it.

And on top of all that, I seem destined for a first-to-worst run in the Jacksux League, for no other reason than no matter who I start, they put out like a convent of orthodox nuns.

Pray for my soul, my brothers and sisters.

Scoping out the blogs, we find my favorite untrustworthy bi--err, bastard (and I ain't talking about the guy I was doing contract work for during my last months in Austin!) is alive, well, and finding disturbing stuff like this.

Dude, this is pretty fucked up, right here.

And this from the incomparable Johnny B.:

"Funny story my brother told me during RAW: He and his she-demon of a wife are at EB looking at Gamecube games. In walks this middle-aged couple who are aruging and talking loudly and acting like goofballs. They approach the clerk and ask if they have any new Gamecube games.

'Well, we have that new Billy Hatcher game,' he says, referring to Billy Hatcher and the Giant Egg.

'Well I always liked fuckin' chickens,' says the guy. Out loud.

Everybody stops. Silence. The wife chastises her man and out they go. The store is dead quiet and the clerk is in shock. Finally, someone speaks up: 'It takes a real man to admit that.'

The motto: People say the darndest things."

Now THAT'S comedy. You can't make this stuff up.

To crib from my good friend (and fellow serviceman these days!) Chris Gates, who cribbed this from David Letterman, so long for now, Blog Nation, and enjoy Smile Empty Soul.

Yup, it's official. I'm elderly.

NP: Guns 'N Roses, "Welcome To The Jungle"

A little something I left out of the last entry...

Sign in front of a church: "Stay In Shape -- Walk Daily With The Lord :-D"

No, your eyes do not deceive you. That sign had an honest-to-God emoticon on it.

NP: System Of A Down, "Inner Vision"

Some observations on the first night of the 2003 Taylor, TX BBQ Cookoff:

- Somebody needs to have the instructions for use of some payphones (you know the ones, with the "$0.25 per minute to anywhere in the US") printed clearer. For a minute, I could've sworn that I had found the one out of every three pay phones that is actually a decoy (to quote a poet on Def Poetry). Let me tell you how that works. The instructions on the phone were the classic "Pick up phone, listen for dial tone, then put your money in and call" routine. So I go ahead and do that. The phone NOW asks me for a bank or credit card number before connecting me with an operator who helpfully tells me that I should put the money in after I dial the number. She then goes on to say that the phone should return my money to me, which the phone most certainly does not. And the gas station guy can't do shit about it because the phone is not owned by the gas station. Go figure.

- "Duck sausage" has absolutely nothing to do with waterfowl.

- According to most college kids in Texas, the belief that Bud or Miller Lite is best poured back into the horse is sufficient grounds for anathematization.

- Seriously, most BBQ cookers are really nice people.

- Stand Of The Night honors go to the Bevo Burners; who, obviously, are Aggies, if the Dixie Chicken and "HOWDY" signs and the 6-foot model of Bonfire (complete with t.u.'s finest frat house, which, for the uninitiated, is a burnt orange outhouse with an Austin city limits sign on it) weren't big enough hints. I felt like I was 22 again. Really good drumsticks there, too.

Stay tuned for more from the full day's festivities.

NP: Rancid, "Listed MIA"

o/~
Goddammit, man, I almost had it
Well, I did it again
Yeah, I do it out of habit
Well, I'm numb, it ain't no fun
I'm less than zero when you add up the sum
I'm checking out, yeah
It ain't no doubt, yeah
A courtship built from anger is what it amounts
I almost had it, I almost had it
I came so close, man
I almost had it
o/~

Just got the last word today.

Their excuse: "We don't feel your background is sufficient to match the needs of this job."

What I heard: "We still hate you and haven't finished dancing on your grave yet. Crawl back into your hole, you fly-infested bucket of crap."

Well, fuck you anyway. I can find work somewhere else, and most certainly for people that don't string you along and break your heart by treating you like this.

Jackasses.

NP: The Refreshments, "Banditos"

The Follies continue, held over for another exciting day.

So I get into work at 8, because that's the time the guy told me to report in at, right? I get there, pick up my temporary badge, and wait, seemingly confident that somebody will be by to pick me up.

TWENTY MINUTES LATER, someone finally shows up to escort me further into the bowels of the building, where I find out a few interesting tidbits:

1) The guy I talked to who told me to come by at 8 is out of the office today
2) They still don't have all their ducks in a row
3) They're blaming the bottleneck on the headhunter agency I got this job from

So they send me home. Again.

I head straight home and get on the horn with the account manager at the headhunter's. And I find out that they tried to call me earlier, but when they did I was already on site cooling my heels. According to them, they're now waiting on executive approval from the client to get my badge ID. As a result, my position is "on hold" while they extricate their lettuce from their donkey.

I swear, the Navy is looking better all the time...

Quote of the Day: "I shouldn't have to live in a world where all the good points are horrible ones." -- Black Mage, 8-Bit Theater

Today was supposed to be the first day back among the gainfully employed for God knows how long. I was going to have myself a rich full day and head home, without any major incidents.

If you believe that, you must be new around here.

Right away, I run into trouble. I can't get into the main network because my account was disabled, due to my last leave under less-than-ideal conditions. Which means I can't do jack but sit and watch until they get all their ducks in a row regarding the background check and what not.

So I found myself in possession of a half-day off. Which would be nice, but I'm contract and need this money badly.

Then to top the day off, the debt counseling service I'm with sees fit to tell me they never got any of the money that I paid them. So I dash off to the nearest branch office to get my bank statement to fax to them... but it turns out the lobby's closed. Which necessitates a dash almost clear across town to get the necessary papers and back to where I can fax.

I mean, I had the money taken out of my account, the least you can do is know where the heck it is.

NP: Bass-heavy techno from my upstairs neighbors, who are kind enough to lend me DVDs to watch

Link of the Indeterminate Time Period:

When you know it's time to unplug...

NP: 38 Special, "Back Where You Belong"

And in other news today, my ronin days are drawing to a close.

Although the thought had crossed my mind, I'm not joining the military at this time. I'm not ruling them out either, just in case this falls through.

I don't know what the people I have praying for me told the Good Lord, but He has seen fit to put me back at Dell. Namely, in their internal help desk. It means I'll be red-badging again, but as my friends in the UK point out, it's better than "sweet FA" (and no, the FA does not stand for Football Association).

One hurdle down, more to go.

For you anime fans in the house: My regular group's watching Scrapped Princess, and I will be surprised if one of the upcoming episodes is not titled "Pavane For A Scrapped Princess". This Needs To Happen (tm Bill Simmons).