Why Is It That...

...all the cockbites of the world seem to have the cool stuff?

I realize it's your room (or at the very least, a share of it is yours and another two shares happen to belong to mutual friends), Nicky Pierce, but does that give you the right to park your kiester in front of the screen while I'm trying to play Tony Hawk and try to fix your busted-ass Hewlett-Crapard portable and be so surprised when I comment that you make a better door than you do a window?

NP: Mike Curb Congregation, "Burning Bridges (Theme From Kelly's Heroes)"

Moment of Supremely Bad Taste Zen

Did Speedy Gonzales have days like this?

The Things We Do Or Think About Instead Of Our Homework

My instructor looks (and sounds) so much like Mike Wilbon on PTI that it's scary. Which leads me to this latest proclamation from the House of Ideas:

Forthwith and evermore, just as the shipmate who came up with the institutional toilet paper/CPO line is referred to as The Darin Shaffer Quote Machine, so shall my instructor be referred to in this blog as Not-Wilbon.

So let it be blogged. So let it be done.

Who Are The People In Your Neighborhood?

Class listing for my "A" School class

Turns out I'm not the only dab hand with HTML...

Song of the Indeterminate Time Period, 14 September 2K4

This one goes out to whoever's bright idea it was to hold urinanalysis tests in the Oh-my-God-what-are-we-doing-up-this-late'ning.

"You must die! I alone am best!"

I hope you flip some guy the bird
He cuts you off and you're forced to swerve
In front of the Beatles' tour bus
A Bookmobile, and a Mack truck
Hauling hazardous biological waste
The light turns red, you have no brakes
And Hard Copy gets it all on tape
So you can see the look on your face...

"Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die!
Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die!"

I hope your Pinto begins to spin
Takes out a disabled Vietnam veteran
Mows down a Nobel Peace Prize winner
And maybe some orphans having Christmas dinner
Perhaps even the British Royal Family
And the rabbi that's clutching the bottle-fed puppy
And we can't forget the newlyweds
And those Jerry's Kids are as good as dead

I hope this helps to emphasize
I hope this helps to clarify
I hope you die

I hope your cellmate thinks he's God
But CNN refer to him as "Bowling Bag Bob"
Serving time again for abuse of a corpse
Only this time, the victim's a Clydesdale horse
While he masturbates to photos of livestock
He does the Silence of the Lambs dance to Christian rock
Eats feces and quotes from "Deliverance"
And fights with his imaginary playmate Vince...

"Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die!
Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die!"

I hope he grins like Jack Nicholson
And forces you to play a game called "Balls on Chin"
And whatever happens next is all a blur
But you remember "fist" can be a verb
And when you finally regain consciousness
You're bound and gagged, in a wedding dress
And the prison guard looks the other way
'Cause he's the guy you flipped the bird the other day

I hope this helps to emphasize
I hope this helps to clarify
I hope you die

I hope you die!

-- Bloodhound Gang
"I Hope You Die"
Hooray For Boobies (2000)

Shitty Pun of the Indeterminate Time Period, 10 September 2K4

Kat Templeton brings us the following:

"DO IT YOURSELF: Larry Bostic, 52, and Wei Sun, 45, got into a misunderstanding over a shopping cart at a Home Depot store in Vineland, N.J. Each took a swing at the other, but missed. The struggle then escalated into a 'sword fight', police say, after each grabbed a two-by-four. Bostic got the short end of the stick: he was hit in the face. One of his teeth was knocked out, and his chin needed eight stitches. Both men were arrested on assault charges. (Vineland Daily Journal) ...They can hardly be blamed: the sign promised there was Fencing on Aisle 12."

Hey, Mr. Jennings... Roll For Surprise, Monkey-Boy

So the local MWR held its semi-regular Freebie Friday tonight, which included a gameshow-style trivia contest. So, arriving from some deserved late-afternoon slumbertude following the witnessing of the Training Support Center's change of command ceremony only to find the food gone, I settle in to watch. And watching some rocks stumble over the questions brought back that old familiar feeling... that something rank is going to be happening to them. I get in on the action in the second heat, with my modest These Two Clowns Have No Idea What They're Getting Into Here grin on. The last question of the round hinged on Culture Club's "Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?", and one of them rang in only to keep me from ringing in. And I look at him like "Cracka, please. The only way you're keeping me from getting this one is if you answer it yourself."

I handily blow them out and wait for the finals... I had that Larry Bird at the All-Star Game Three-Point Contest Y'All-Are-Playing-For-Second vibe going. Not just cool like that -- chill like that.

And if you thought last game was a blowout, this took it to new heights. I had 350 points before the next highest broke 150. (It was 500 points to win, 50 points for correct answer). I go on to win handily.

My reward for this display of General Knowledge Burnination? A free pass to Six Flags Great America, which is within 15 minutes of here. Now if I only had my car...

Aftershocks of Spyware

Last post, I extolled the virtues of Ad-Aware. I have another tool in the spyware defense shed to endorse to you all: Hijack This! It's a fine-toothed comb for your registry and IE settings. And if you have no idea what you're looking at, a handy logfile option is available for you to show somebody who knows what they're doing.

NP: Extreme, "Get The Funk Out"

Look, This Isn't Difficult

You know the carpet on your side of the room? The part with all the toejam, nail clippings, lint, and God knows what else? The part those in command of the BEQ consider a common area and will look at when they perform one of their random unannounced room inspections? Well, any grade of Unsat you get on it is my Unsat, too. Which means that I can't put in for the coveted Phase III (completely unrestricted) Liberty or have my car sent up here yet. So, Mr. Fleet Returnee, pick it up off the carpet and toss it in the trash, like you were back in a ship and your IQ was normal.

Jesus H. Guerrero.

The moral of the story, kiddies? Never share a BEQ room with anybody lazier than yourself.

And, On That Note, We Cue The Giggling

Bill Simmons just released his NFL preview (Movie du Preview: "Goodfellas")...

"Paulie may have moved slow, but it was only because Paulie didn't have to move for anybody."

To Vinny Testaverde, the best evidence we have that Bill Parcells has entered the "Vito Corleone stumbling around with an orange in his mouth" stage of his coaching career...

Here's a new plan to distract me from contemplating murder...

Song Of The Indeterminate Time Period, 9 September 2K4

I went home with the waitress
The way I always do
How was I to know
She was with the Russians, too?

I was gambling in Havana
I took a little risk
Send lawyers, guns, and money
Dad, get me out of this

I'm the innocent bystander
Somehow I got stuck
Between the rock and the hard place
And I'm down on my luck
Yes, I'm down on my luck
Well, I'm down on my luck

Now I'm hiding in Honduras
I'm a desperate man
Send lawyers, guns, and money
The shit has hit the fan

Send lawyers, guns, and money...

-- Warren Zevon
"Lawyers, Guns, And Money"
Excitable Boy (1978)

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More From The Darin Shaffer Quote Machine

"Goldfish is cheddar-flavored crack."

If We Are What We Eat, Then I'm Fast, Cheap, And Easy

Over the past month, I figure I've eaten more McDonald's than I've eaten since I came back to Kerrville from Austin. This is shocking, to say the least.

Overheard...

The Darin Shaffer Quote Machine just keeps on rolling: "What did we learn in 'A' School today? That bunnies can act, and Happy Tree Friends is the shit."

Exactly How Many Football Gods Must I Have Offended To Be Treated To This?

So I'm strafing ESPN waiting for class to start, and end up finding this. I'll be the first to admit that the Dennis Francione Era in Aggieland is sucking hard, and that is nothing new.

What absolutely floored me and instilled Teh Fear in me is who the Tuna got to replace Qunicy Carter under center of my beloved Cowboys.

Somewhere, Bill Simmons is giggling uncontrollably.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go peel the skin off of my body.