Is That A Cowbell I Hear?

ITEM: Jean-Claude Van Damme will SHEEP YO' ASS, BITCH!
(It helps if you're fluent in French)

ITEM: And the Coaster of the Indeterminate Time Period goes to the Ghost Rider movie. Whoever wrote the screenplay really needs to sit down with the comics more, in between sessions of being horse-whipped for fucking up one of my favorite Marvel characters. I couldn't finish it, though I wanted to. I'd really like some flaming-headed demon motorcyclist of vengeance to go with my talking heads exposition, wouldn't you?

ITEM: And speaking of another movie that suffers from too much talking heads, I caught Tarantino's Death Proof on deployment this summer. There are some good car chases and vehicular homicide in this one, you just have to sit through a good 30-40 minutes worth of talking to get to it. I was able to get through it on the I Lived In Austin And Saw Half The Places This Movie Shows Factor, but most people would probably consider this a honkshoo movie. (Honnnnnnnnnkkk... shooooooooooooooo... get it?)

ITEM: I had heard Planet Terror (the second movie in the Grindhouse series) was better, and it didn't disappoint. The whole thing with this series is that it's designed to simulate watching a B-movie at a late 70's-early 80's grindhouse. So if you don't expect too much from it, you won't be let down. I'll give this movie The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly treatment in a later post.

ITEM: Not only is Robert Rodriguez fleshing out Machete into a full-length feature (for those of you who didn't know and/or are nigh-oblivious, Machete promises to be the world's first mex-ploitation movie and gives Danny Trejo license to be a consummate badass. Google the trailer and watch it right now. I'll wait.), but a couple of suitably twisted minds are going to the Grindhouse as well. Rob Zombie will be coming out with Werewolf Women of the SS, while Eli Roth (Hostel) is working on a slasher pic called Thanksgiving.

ITEM: Finally, on a professional note, I have my Enlisted Surface Warfare Specialist designation. It's a done deal, I'm just waiting for the paperwork to clear the ship's administration.

Report from Memewatch, 12 December 2K7

My score on The Which Lolcat Are You? Test:

Cheezburger cat

(58% Affectionate, 56% Excitable, 57% Hungry)

Sure, you deserve one. You helped popularized lolcats from a running gag to an online sensation. Now mainstream media writes asinine columns on this 'phenomenon', students write theses on the topic, programming languages adopt the grammar, and losers write tests about them on dating sites. Now take your cheezburger and never touch the internets again.

Link: The Which Lolcat Are You? Test
(OkCupid Free Online Dating)

Song of the Indeterminate Time Period, 07 December 2K7

Troubled souls unite
We've got ourselves tonight
I am fuel, you are friends
We've got the means to make amends
I am lost, I'm no guide
But I'm by your side
I am right by your side

Young lover, I stand
It was their idea, I proved to be a man
Take... my fucking hand
It was their idea, I proved to be a man
Will myself to find a home, a home within myself
We will find a way
We will find our place...

Drop the leash, drop the leash!
Get outta my fuckin' face
Drop the leash, drop the leash!
Get outta my fuckin' face
Drop the leash, drop the leash!
Get outta my fuckin' face
Drop the leash, drop the leash!
Drop the leash, we are young
Drop the leash, we are young
Get outta my fuckin' face
Drop the leash, drop the leash!
Get outta my... my...

Delight, delight, delight in our youth
Get outta my fuckin' face

-- Pearl Jam
"Leash"
Vs. (1993)

The Nanny Mentality is Alive, Well, and Living in Yokosuka, Japan

So let me get this straight: Not only do I have to write down where it is I want to go on liberty for a week in advance, but I have to call you every rutting night I'm not on duty and tell you where I am?

I realize that as military members, the upper chain of command has a vested interest in our well-being, but seriously, this is getting way out of hand. I have an idea why this is so, but you're gonna have to buy me a coupla drinks or get me to a private spot before I articulate them.

And now you know why the Pearl Jam song made the SotITP.

Song of the Indeterminate Time Period, 29 November 2K7

(Shh... quiet, you might piss somebody off)
Like me, motherfucker, you've been at it for too long
While you feed off others' insecurities
You stand in front of me and bite the hand that feeds

Self-righteousness is wearing thin
(Lies inside your head, your best friend)
Heart bleeds, but not for fellow men
(Broken glass, your fake reflection)

I've had enough, it's time for something real
I don't respect the words you're speaking
You've gone too far... a clone...

"So, how does it feel to know that someone's kid in the heart of America has blood on their hands, fighting to defend your rights so you can maintain a lifestyle that insults his family's existence? Well, where I'm from, we have a special salute we aim high in the air towards all those pompous assholes who spend their days pointing fingers...

FUCK YOU!!!"

(Shh... quiet, you might piss somebody off)
Like the heartbeat of this country when antagonized too long
I'll be damned if you count me in as part of your generous hypocrisy
Collecting enemies...

Tabloid gossip queen, worthless man
(There's no need for us to bury you)
Selfish agenda once again
(Right this way, you've dug your own grave)

I've had enough, it's time for something real
I don't respect the words you're speaking
Gone too far... a clone...

"All the way from the East to the West, we got this high society looking down on their very foundation, constantly reminding us that our actions are the cause of all their problems! Pointing their fingers in every direction, blaming their own nation for who wins elections... they've never contributed a fucking thing to the country they love to criticize!"

Excuse the obscene, ignore the untrue
Depictions we see try and get through
Admitting mistakes can hurt
I'm not the last, but I sure ain't the first

(Shh... quiet, you might piss somebody off)

Self-righteousness is wearing thin
(Lies inside your head, your best friend)
Heart bleeds, but not for fellow men
(Broken glass, your fake reflection)

I've had enough, it's time for something real
I don't respect the words you're speaking
Gone too far... a clone...

-- Avenged Sevenfold
"Critical Acclaim"
Avenged Sevenfold (2007)

(pssst! Buy the new A7X album... it rules!)