One Hundred and Ninety Dollars Worth Of Cell Phone Accessories... Ahhh Yeahhhh

So I broke down and bought a contract cell phone in Japan.

[months and months later]

What I was going to add but never got around to is that I put down a bunch of money on accessories for the phone, to wit a Micro SD chip for it and a Bluetooth headset that never worked.

GOR-rammit

Just when I think I can finally relax, they spring Fraidy Cat Cruise II: Electric Boogaloo.

Translation: we may be getting underway AGAIN.

May I have a show of hands of everybody who thinks having an AIRCRAFT CARRIER, IN HOME PORT being chased out of it by a typhoon is utterly ludicrous, please?

If it's longer than a week, there will doubtlessly be fucking murders.

In this, my darkest hour of the month, I must turn to the one man that can help me in this situation...

Song of the Indeterminate Time Period, 17 September 2K6

Got the craving for some lunch
But I ain't got nothing to munch
My mind is set on just one wish
A big ol' sandwich -- tuna fish
Time to make a grocery run
I'll walk there in the morning sun
And make a list of what I need most
Tuna fish, and bread for toast
And though my stomach may be empty
I'll feed my head from a horn o' plenty
Roll a joint Bob Marley style
And smoke it till it makes me smile

Starting off in Aisle One
Fruits and veggies by the ton
Hey, check it out, radicchio!
These red leaves, man, they almost glow
And-- bok choy! I've always wanted to try it
I wonder if I have enough to buy it
It's grown in Japan, or maybe China
Or maybe some farm in South Carolina
Just then, I hear a voice in my head
'Stay focused, man! Tuna and bread!'
But right now, I'm in Produce Bliss
Whooooooo, I'm too high for this

Too high for the supermarket
Too high for the grocery store
Too high for the supermarket
Ain't gonna shop like this no more
Too high for the supermarket
Too high for the grocery store
Too high for the supermarket
Ain't gonna shop like this no more

(Everyone here... is staring at me)

Sixteen different brands of tuna
Chicken Of The Sea or Big Kahuna
Packed in oil, packed in water
Dolphin-friendly, dolphin slaughter
And, oh God, what about the bread?
Should I get white or wheat instead?
Or-- rye! Rye's the best I've tasted
Rye is best whenever you're wasted

Too high for the supermarket
Too high for the grocery store
Too high for the supermarket
Ain't gonna shop like this no more
Too high for the supermarket
Too high for the grocery store
Too high for the supermarket
Ain't gonna shop like this no more

Finally done, it's check-out time
Searching for the shortest line
The express lane, but they don't take checks
And you gotta have ten items or less
So let's see... Ding Dongs, a bag of chips
Cap'n Crunch and some onion dip
It's sugar, it's salt, space and schism
The yin-yang of Munchie Taoism
I got my favorite beer -- KARLINGER!
And pre-sweet Kool-Aid you eat with your finger
You lick your finger, then you stick it in the bag
Then you stick it down your throat, but not too far or you'll gag
That's less than ten, check me out, go ahead!
... Oh, I forgot the tuna and the bread

Too high for the supermarket
Too high for the grocery store
Too high for the supermarket
Ain't gonna shop like this no more
Too high for the supermarket
Too high for the grocery store
Too high for the supermarket
Ain't gonna shop like this no more

Too high, too high, too high, too high
Way too high for the supermarket, yeah

-- The Uninvited
"Too High For The Supermarket"
Uninvited (1998)

Ok, Now I Feel Elderly

Got a message on my MySpace page from a lady I haven't heard from in well over a decade. See, this girl was one of the old Smithson Valley honors classmates (seemed to have the same number of people in practically every class, and she was one of them). She's living around Houston, has a bf, and seems to be doing well enough for herself.

And well, the sudden wash of nostalgia is making me feel old.

Meanwhile, I'm in the middle of planning a full campaign on the Fleet Theater to make up for the summer the Kitty insists on spending every year. SNAKES ON A PLANE, y'all!

So, Stacie C., this Sam Jackson's for you!

Song of the Indeterminate Time Period, 3 June 2K6

And now, the Cory Rogers Song...

I remember when we walked as one
And all the truths were known
And we were scrappers in the schoolyard fights
Talked tough on the telephone

But there was always one big guy
Who feared nothing and no one
His name was Gary and he looked so mean
He wasn't a lot of fun

When he walked by...
YOU GOT THE FUCK OUT OF THE WAY
Gary was... was the top cat in his day
Everybody said... that he'd get his some day

Gary was the schoolyard bully, he didn't have a lot of friends
He had kids do his homework for him, stupid to the end
On Graduation Day he stood the tallest, and he got his degree
He couldn't add two plus two, let loose on society

When he walked by...
YOU GOT THE FUCK OUT OF THE WAY
Gary was... was the top cat in his day
Everybody said... that he'd get his one day

Well, I swear to this day
That I still see his face
When I have a bad dream at night
There's the monster to my right...

Gruesome Gary met his match at a young and tender age
He got a whipping at the mall one night, the police took him away
The town cheered and the geeks all jeered, but I'll just make a bet
That Gary will live on in infamy... he was the meanest man you ever met!

When he walked by...
YOU GOT THE FUCK OUT OF THE WAY
Gary was... was the top cat in his day
Everybody said... that he'd get his one day

Gary was... was the top cat in his day
Everybody said... that he'd get his one day

-- Down By Law
"Gruesome Gary"
All Scratched Up!

What Jay Learned From His Stateside Leave

• When dealing with naval bureaucracy, no news is not good news. It is merely what it is: no news.


• Never attempt international travel the day immediately following a 24-hour duty watch.


• Never shop for Navy ribbons at an Army ribbon store.


• Never underestimate the capability of clerical types to screw up everything, up to and including a cup of coffee.

Song of the Indeterminate Time Period, 16 February 2K6

I'm thinking of thinking of calling her right
After my afternoon nap
I'm thinking of thinking of sending her flowers
Right after Bonnie gets back
So many fishies... left in the sea
So many fishies... but no one for me
I'm thinking of thinking of hooking a love
Soon after supper is done

-- performed by Ambassador G'Kar (Andreas Katsulas) in the Babylon 5 episode "The Parliament of Dreams"

First Rich Biggs And Now This...

Anyone who knows me for any real length of time knows I'm a dyed-in-the-wool sci-fi geek. ("Nate, give Jay back his AIM name!") And one of my all time favorite shows is still Babylon 5, based in no small part on the continuing byplay between ambassadors Londo Mollari and G'Kar.

So imagine my surprise whilst forum browsing that I get this news.

JMS says it so much better than I can at the moment.

Song of the Indeterminate Time Period, 9 February 2K6

Please allow me to adjust my pants
So that I may dance the good time dance
And put the onlookers and innocent bystanders into a trance

Give disease so the swine will marry and propagate lies
Tough luck for elected officials
The beast you see got fifty eyes
Bring it on home, spread the wealth
Play it cool, the hand's been dealt
Now all the odds are in our favor
Save the victory speeches for later

Streets on fire, the mob goes wild wild wild
Streets on fire, the mob goes wild

Twenty-one guns, box made of pine
Letter from the government sealed and signed
Delivered Federal Express on your mother's doorstep

Twenty-one guns, box made of pine
Letter from the government sealed and signed
Delivered Federal Express on your mother's doorstep

Condoleeza Rice is nice, but I prefer A-Roni
And that man on the T.V. who speaks to the dead
You know that man's a phony
Everybody move to Canada and smoke lots of pot
Everybody move to Canada right now
Here's how we do it:
Bum rush the border guard before he and his dog ever knew it

Streets on fire, the mob goes wild wild wild
Streets on fire, the mob goes wild

Twenty-one guns, box made of pine
Letter from the government sealed and signed
Delivered Federal Express on your mother's doorstep

Twenty-one guns, box made of pine
Letter from the government sealed and signed
Delivered Federal Express on your mother's doorstep

-- Clutch
"The Mob Goes Wild"
Blast Tyrant (2004)
(source for lyrics: Clutch's most excellent official site)

Song of the Indeterminate Time Period, 6 January 2K6

Debbie just hit the wall, she never had it all
One Prozac a day, husband's a CPA
Her dreams went out the door when she turned twenty-four
Only been with one man, what happened to her plan?

She was going to be an actress, she was going to be a star
She was going to shake her ass on the hood of Whitesnake's car
Her yellow SUV is now the enemy
Looks at her average life, and nothing... has been... all right since

Bruce Springsteen, Madonna, way before Nirvana
There was U2, and Blondie, and music still on MTV
Her two kids in high school, they tell her that she's uncool
Cause she's still preoccupied with nineteen... nineteen... 1985

She's seen all the classics, she knows every line
Breakfast Club, Pretty In Pink, even St. Elmo's Fire
She rocked out to Wham!, not a big Limp Biskit fan
Thought she'd get a hand on a member of Duran Duran

Where's the miniskirt made out of snakeskin?
And who's the other guy that's singing in Van Halen?
When did reality become TV?
Whatever happened to sitcoms, game shows, or the radio?

Bruce Springsteen, Madonna, way before Nirvana
There was U2, and Blondie, and music still on MTV
Her two kids in high school, they tell her that she's uncool
Cause she's still preoccupied with nineteen... nineteen... 1985

She hates time, make it stop
When did Mötley Crüe become classic rock?
And when did Ozzy become an actor?
Please make this stop
Stop
Stop
And bring back

Bruce Springsteen, Madonna, way before Nirvana
There was U2, and Blondie, and music still on MTV
Her two kids in high school, they tell her that she's uncool
Cause she's still preoccupied with 1985

Bruce Springsteen, Madonna, way before Nirvana
There was U2, and Blondie, and music still on MTV
Her two kids in high school, they tell her that she's uncool
Cause she's still preoccupied with nineteen... nineteen... 1985

-- Bowling For Soup
"1985"
A Hangover You Don't Deserve (2004)