Why Is It That...

...all the cockbites of the world seem to have the cool stuff?

I realize it's your room (or at the very least, a share of it is yours and another two shares happen to belong to mutual friends), Nicky Pierce, but does that give you the right to park your kiester in front of the screen while I'm trying to play Tony Hawk and try to fix your busted-ass Hewlett-Crapard portable and be so surprised when I comment that you make a better door than you do a window?

NP: Mike Curb Congregation, "Burning Bridges (Theme From Kelly's Heroes)"

Moment of Supremely Bad Taste Zen

Did Speedy Gonzales have days like this?

The Things We Do Or Think About Instead Of Our Homework

My instructor looks (and sounds) so much like Mike Wilbon on PTI that it's scary. Which leads me to this latest proclamation from the House of Ideas:

Forthwith and evermore, just as the shipmate who came up with the institutional toilet paper/CPO line is referred to as The Darin Shaffer Quote Machine, so shall my instructor be referred to in this blog as Not-Wilbon.

So let it be blogged. So let it be done.

Who Are The People In Your Neighborhood?

Class listing for my "A" School class

Turns out I'm not the only dab hand with HTML...

Song of the Indeterminate Time Period, 14 September 2K4

This one goes out to whoever's bright idea it was to hold urinanalysis tests in the Oh-my-God-what-are-we-doing-up-this-late'ning.

"You must die! I alone am best!"

I hope you flip some guy the bird
He cuts you off and you're forced to swerve
In front of the Beatles' tour bus
A Bookmobile, and a Mack truck
Hauling hazardous biological waste
The light turns red, you have no brakes
And Hard Copy gets it all on tape
So you can see the look on your face...

"Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die!
Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die!"

I hope your Pinto begins to spin
Takes out a disabled Vietnam veteran
Mows down a Nobel Peace Prize winner
And maybe some orphans having Christmas dinner
Perhaps even the British Royal Family
And the rabbi that's clutching the bottle-fed puppy
And we can't forget the newlyweds
And those Jerry's Kids are as good as dead

I hope this helps to emphasize
I hope this helps to clarify
I hope you die

I hope your cellmate thinks he's God
But CNN refer to him as "Bowling Bag Bob"
Serving time again for abuse of a corpse
Only this time, the victim's a Clydesdale horse
While he masturbates to photos of livestock
He does the Silence of the Lambs dance to Christian rock
Eats feces and quotes from "Deliverance"
And fights with his imaginary playmate Vince...

"Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die!
Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die!"

I hope he grins like Jack Nicholson
And forces you to play a game called "Balls on Chin"
And whatever happens next is all a blur
But you remember "fist" can be a verb
And when you finally regain consciousness
You're bound and gagged, in a wedding dress
And the prison guard looks the other way
'Cause he's the guy you flipped the bird the other day

I hope this helps to emphasize
I hope this helps to clarify
I hope you die

I hope you die!

-- Bloodhound Gang
"I Hope You Die"
Hooray For Boobies (2000)

Shitty Pun of the Indeterminate Time Period, 10 September 2K4

Kat Templeton brings us the following:

"DO IT YOURSELF: Larry Bostic, 52, and Wei Sun, 45, got into a misunderstanding over a shopping cart at a Home Depot store in Vineland, N.J. Each took a swing at the other, but missed. The struggle then escalated into a 'sword fight', police say, after each grabbed a two-by-four. Bostic got the short end of the stick: he was hit in the face. One of his teeth was knocked out, and his chin needed eight stitches. Both men were arrested on assault charges. (Vineland Daily Journal) ...They can hardly be blamed: the sign promised there was Fencing on Aisle 12."

Hey, Mr. Jennings... Roll For Surprise, Monkey-Boy

So the local MWR held its semi-regular Freebie Friday tonight, which included a gameshow-style trivia contest. So, arriving from some deserved late-afternoon slumbertude following the witnessing of the Training Support Center's change of command ceremony only to find the food gone, I settle in to watch. And watching some rocks stumble over the questions brought back that old familiar feeling... that something rank is going to be happening to them. I get in on the action in the second heat, with my modest These Two Clowns Have No Idea What They're Getting Into Here grin on. The last question of the round hinged on Culture Club's "Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?", and one of them rang in only to keep me from ringing in. And I look at him like "Cracka, please. The only way you're keeping me from getting this one is if you answer it yourself."

I handily blow them out and wait for the finals... I had that Larry Bird at the All-Star Game Three-Point Contest Y'All-Are-Playing-For-Second vibe going. Not just cool like that -- chill like that.

And if you thought last game was a blowout, this took it to new heights. I had 350 points before the next highest broke 150. (It was 500 points to win, 50 points for correct answer). I go on to win handily.

My reward for this display of General Knowledge Burnination? A free pass to Six Flags Great America, which is within 15 minutes of here. Now if I only had my car...

Aftershocks of Spyware

Last post, I extolled the virtues of Ad-Aware. I have another tool in the spyware defense shed to endorse to you all: Hijack This! It's a fine-toothed comb for your registry and IE settings. And if you have no idea what you're looking at, a handy logfile option is available for you to show somebody who knows what they're doing.

NP: Extreme, "Get The Funk Out"

Look, This Isn't Difficult

You know the carpet on your side of the room? The part with all the toejam, nail clippings, lint, and God knows what else? The part those in command of the BEQ consider a common area and will look at when they perform one of their random unannounced room inspections? Well, any grade of Unsat you get on it is my Unsat, too. Which means that I can't put in for the coveted Phase III (completely unrestricted) Liberty or have my car sent up here yet. So, Mr. Fleet Returnee, pick it up off the carpet and toss it in the trash, like you were back in a ship and your IQ was normal.

Jesus H. Guerrero.

The moral of the story, kiddies? Never share a BEQ room with anybody lazier than yourself.

And, On That Note, We Cue The Giggling

Bill Simmons just released his NFL preview (Movie du Preview: "Goodfellas")...

"Paulie may have moved slow, but it was only because Paulie didn't have to move for anybody."

To Vinny Testaverde, the best evidence we have that Bill Parcells has entered the "Vito Corleone stumbling around with an orange in his mouth" stage of his coaching career...

Here's a new plan to distract me from contemplating murder...

Song Of The Indeterminate Time Period, 9 September 2K4

I went home with the waitress
The way I always do
How was I to know
She was with the Russians, too?

I was gambling in Havana
I took a little risk
Send lawyers, guns, and money
Dad, get me out of this

I'm the innocent bystander
Somehow I got stuck
Between the rock and the hard place
And I'm down on my luck
Yes, I'm down on my luck
Well, I'm down on my luck

Now I'm hiding in Honduras
I'm a desperate man
Send lawyers, guns, and money
The shit has hit the fan

Send lawyers, guns, and money...

-- Warren Zevon
"Lawyers, Guns, And Money"
Excitable Boy (1978)

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More From The Darin Shaffer Quote Machine

"Goldfish is cheddar-flavored crack."

If We Are What We Eat, Then I'm Fast, Cheap, And Easy

Over the past month, I figure I've eaten more McDonald's than I've eaten since I came back to Kerrville from Austin. This is shocking, to say the least.

Overheard...

The Darin Shaffer Quote Machine just keeps on rolling: "What did we learn in 'A' School today? That bunnies can act, and Happy Tree Friends is the shit."

Exactly How Many Football Gods Must I Have Offended To Be Treated To This?

So I'm strafing ESPN waiting for class to start, and end up finding this. I'll be the first to admit that the Dennis Francione Era in Aggieland is sucking hard, and that is nothing new.

What absolutely floored me and instilled Teh Fear in me is who the Tuna got to replace Qunicy Carter under center of my beloved Cowboys.

Somewhere, Bill Simmons is giggling uncontrollably.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go peel the skin off of my body.

Would Anyone Like Some Phlegm?

I've had this cough for the past coupla weeks. Kinda annoying when you have to do PT with this shit, but it's clearing up (thank God). I don't know if Rafael nurgled me or no, but I'm just glad it's passing.

Overheard...

"[Institutional] toilet paper is like [Chief Petty Officers] -- tough as nails and takes shit off nobody." -- original thought from a shipmate of mine

"There isn't anything to do in town except each other." -- another classmate, describing why the high school he graduated from had the dubious distinction of having the highest teen pregnancy rate in the nation

Love That Link Rot

Found this at the new home of Movies in Fifteen Minutes:

Great Hall, Hogwarts

GROOVY NEW DUMBLEDORE: Many thanks to the Richard Harris Memorial Toad Choir for that lovely performance. Greetings, salutations, and what up: I will be your new Dumbledore this year, which I’m sure will be fabulous despite the presence of a few hundred undernourished ringwraiths on the premises. Hagrid will be taking over the Care of Magical Creatures class despite having no teaching credentials whatsoever, and also, we have a new teacher, Professor Lupin, to fill our cursed Defense of the Dark Arts spot. Good luck making it through the year alive, Remus!

SNAPE: *gives Lupin the stink-eye*

LUPIN: Oh, I feel at home already.

Song of the Indeterminate Time Period, 25 August 2K4

Fifteen years in the Academy
Like no cadet they'd ever seen
A man so hard his veins bleed ice
And when he speaks, he never says it twice

They call him Judge, his last name is Dredd
Break the law, and you'll wind up dead
Truth and justice, what he's fighting for
Judge Dredd the man, he is the law...
DROKK IT!

With gun and bike, he rules the streets
Every perp he meets will taste defeat
Not even Death can overcome his might
Dredd and Anderson won the fight

When the Sovs started the Apocalypse War
Mega-City was bombed to the floor
Dredd resisted, and the Judges fought back
And crushed the Sovs with their counterattack...
DROKK IT!

Respect the badge
He earned it with his blood
Fear the gun
Your sentence may be death because
I AM THE LAW
And you won't fuck around no more
I AM THE LAW
I judge the rich, I judge the poor
I AM THE LAW
Commit a crime, I'll lock the door
I AM THE LAW
Because in Mega-City
I AM THE LAW!

In the Cursed Earth, where the mutants dwell
There is no law, just a living hell
Anarchy and chaos as the blood runs red
This would change if it were up to Dredd
The Book of Law is the Bible to him
Any crime committed is a sin
He keeps peace with his Lawgiver
Judge, jury, and executioner...
(DROKK IT!)

Respect the badge
He earned it with his blood
Fear the gun
Your sentence may be death because
I AM THE LAW
And you won't fuck around no more
I AM THE LAW
I judge the rich, I judge the poor
I AM THE LAW
Commit a crime, I'll lock the door
I AM THE LAW
Because in Mega-City
I AM THE LAW!

CRIME! The ultimate sin
Your Iso-Cube is waiting when he brings you in
LAW! It's what he stands for
Crime's the only enemy and he's going to war

[repeat]

Respect the badge
He earned it with his blood
Fear the gun
Your sentence may be death because
I AM THE LAW
And you won't fuck around no more
I AM THE LAW
I judge the rich, I judge the poor
I AM THE LAW
Commit a crime, I'll lock the door
I AM THE LAW
Because in Mega-City
I AM THE LAW
And you won't fuck around no more
I AM THE LAW
I judge the rich, I judge the poor
I AM THE LAW
Commit a crime, I'll lock the door
I AM THE LAW
Because in Mega-City
I! AM! THE! LAW!

-- Anthrax
"I Am The Law"
Among The Living [1987(?)]

*grumblefuckmutter*

Almost forgot this... every blog on my list has been Dilberted by this fuggin' pay terminal I'm on!

NP: Seether, "Fine Again"

Summer Camp With Guns And Cranky Petty Officers

Hey Army!
What are you doing?
Get in your tracks and follow me...

Hey Air Force!
What are you doing?
Get in your jets and follow me...

I'm in the U.S. Navy!

For the tens (and tens) of my fans who read this blog and don't know it yet, I am now officially an United Sates Sailor. Survived boot camp and everything, and using this bit of liberty to (finally) update this. (Insert your own joke about my priorities here)

And Rob, if you're wondering what to put in your listings of bloggage for the rank, it's either Seaman or SN if you like the abbrevation thing.

NP: AFI, "Third Season"

Where Was This Shirt 2-3 Years Ago?

I am so getting one of these when I graduate bewt.

Introducing For One Night Only, The Lunch Counter Bastard From Hell

So, my last day at the Chinese Kitchen was this past Friday, and there was the usual bittersweet parting as my shift ran down for the last time. As I put it, "I won't miss the work, but I'll miss the people. (Yes, even you, [Femcockbite's real name deleted].)

But, as the title suggests, I got to blow off a little good-natured steam. I promised myself that I was going to Here's Your Sign the next person who asked if we had any bags to put purchases in. (Hello, we're in a freakin' grocery store?) And it didn't take long for me to collect...

[Customer] Do you have a sack?
[Me] Nope. We just have the cushions for the little chair (*waves to the filled bag stand*) we use when we get tired. Here's your sign.

By far my biggest pet peeve was when pigfuckerscustomers would simply blurt out the name of a food item, when it's obvious that there's more than one way to dish it up. And I got a little creative here...

[Pigfucker] Chicken Fried Rice!
[Me] Is this in a plate?
[Pigfucker] Yes.
[Me] Good. I'd hate to think I'd failed to read your mind correctly this time.

Let the record reflect that this marked the first time that I was actually flipped off by a Pigfucker.

Anyhow...

Memewatch

Cookie Monster's Bulimia Nervosa

Yes, cookies *are* good. But too much of anything
is never a good thing. Instead of bingeing and
purging, try to regulate your eating habits.
Maybe instead of having two dozen cookies, you
could have two. Also, you should slow down
your eating. Chew each bite several times
before swallowing. Eating more slowly makes it
easier to tell when you are full. And don't
worry about body image--people love you just
the way you are, googly eyes and all.


Which Sesame Street Muppet's Dark Secret Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla


Because There's Only 140 More Days Until Halo 2 Comes Out

Ricky (aka the Night Stocker of the Harley, shiny head and half-twisted half-bent sense of humor) has offered to sell me his old (gently-used) Xbox, Halo, extra controller, DVD playback kit, and memory card. I'm taking him up on the offer.

In Other News...

Rainbow Six 3 owns Boatswain's Mate 2/c Neal Ervin for free.

Sleazy Pun of the Indeterminate Time Period, 19 May 2K4

We get regulars, as often happens when you work for an operation like the one I work for (for the rest of this week, anyway). I swear, one of them, with the exceptions of being taller than me and having glasses, is a dead ringer for Hanover Fiste from the Heavy Metal movie (I don't consider the Julie Strain vehicle FAKK2 as a Heavy Metal movie, but let's move on). The set I ended up dropping this unintentional Sleazy Pun on is a married couple, empty-nesters (dime a dozen in Kerrville, but I digress). The wife just got back from seeing family in Alabama, and on her first day back, goes to the freakin' deli to get her repast. So, by agreement with her husband, I give her a good-natured hard time about it:

Me: What are you doing getting food from there? Does that look like real Chinese food to you?
Her: I just call it $STORE (store name changed to variable to protect the guilty) Food.
Me: I guess that's a safe way of putting it...

Chris Needs To Give His Network People A Swift Kick In The Firewalls

And Chris, the blog's in the same place as it ever was. Either email me or I'll email you before the end of the week.

Song of the Indeterminate Time Period, 18 May 2K4 (Part The First)

I'm a pimp, you can check my stats
And rollin' the Fleetwood, that's how I mack
I rock all the tracks, so the world knows
I love all the girls, smack all the hoes
Show love to those who come real with it
Life's a bitch, but I deal with it
I'm in it to win it like Yzerman
Can drink about fifteen Heinekens
I'm not born again, but if I was
I'd ask to come back with a little more love
Puffin' a Winston, drinkin' a four-oh
Kid Rock, and I'm 'a let ya know

I'll be sittin' here, just wasting time
Drinkin', smokin', thinkin'
Trying to free my mind
I'll be sittin' here, just wasting time
Drinkin', smokin'
Trying to free my mind

I spent a couple of months in this smoky room
Eatin' shrooms, drinkin' Boone's, writing tunes
And hoping to get
One of these motherfucking songs to hit
A little bit of love, that's all I need
A little inspiration in a bag of weed
A seed to plant, so my tree can grow
You know I left my girl, 'cause I don't need that--
Hold up, wait a minute, I'm about to flow
Like a breeze through the trees
You can watch me blow
Puffin' a Winston, drinkin' a four-oh
Kid Rock, and I'm 'a let ya know

I'll be sittin' here, just wasting time
Drinkin', smokin', thinkin'
Trying to free my mind
I'll be sittin' here, just wasting time
Drinkin', smokin'
Trying to free my mind

Oh yeah, oh yeah
Free my mind...

I ain't no rough guy, ain't no tough guy
Don't get out much, and don't dress up fly
A pawn in the game, that's all I am
Giving all my ducats to Uncle Sam (fuck it)
I'm free to do what I please, little lady
I was born at night, but not last night, baby
I've been around, seen some things
I slept in dumpsters, got high with kings
I know pretty much, ain't got a lot to say
But I've got more time than Morris Day
Puffin' a Winston, drinkin' a four-oh
Kid Rock, and I'm 'a let ya know

I'll be sittin' here, just wasting time
Drinkin', smokin', thinkin'
Trying to free my mind
I'll be sittin' here, just wasting time
Drinkin', smokin'
Trying to free my mind

I'll be sittin' here, just wasting time
Drinkin', smokin', thinkin'
Trying to free my mind
I'll be sittin' here, just wasting time
Drinkin', smokin'
Trying to free my mind

Wasting my time
Hey, I'm smokin'
Hey, I'm drinkin'
Tryin' to free my mind

I've been sittin' here, just wasting time
Drinkin', smokin'
Trying to free my mind

-- Kid Rock
"Wasting Time"
Devil Without A Cause (1998)