It's Christmas! Collect Presents!

A coupla days late, herewith the list of Christmas loot:

• Mid-size tube of Tootsie Rolls (like that'll last long aboard ship)


• Chocolate-covered cherries (the fact they're in a box I haven't opened yet is proof positive they've lasted that long)


• Multi-light flashlight (a little less bulky than the one I got one year and none of them went with me to Japan)


• And the star of the show: a Canon PowerShot A75 digital camera.

Ok, halfway decent haul, but then again, last year I got lifted out of some pretty dire straits by my entire family, and that was a very touching gesture that I'd be remiss not to mention.

Song of the Indeterminate Time Period, 27 December 2K4

I've been sittin' here
Tryin' to find myself
I get behind myself
I need to rewind myself

Lookin' for the payback
Listen for the playback
They say that every man
Bleeds just like me

And I feel like Number One
Yet I'm last in line
I watch my youngest son
And it helps to pass the time

I take too many pills
It helps to ease the pain
I made a couple dollar bills
Still I feel the same

Everybody knows my name
They say it way out loud
A lot of folks fuck with me
It's hard to hang out in crowds

I guess that's the price you pay
To be some big shot, like I am
Outstretched hands and one-night-stands
Still I can't find love

And when your walls come tumblin' down
I will always be around...
Yeah

And when your walls come tumblin' down
I will always be around...

People don't know...
About the things I say and do
They don't understand
About the shit that I've been through

It's been so long...
Since I've been home
I've been gone...
I've been gone for way too long

Maybe I forgot
All the things that I miss
Somehow I know
There's more to life than this

I said it too many times
And I still stand firm
You get what you put in
And people get what they deserve

Still I ain't seen mine...
No, I ain't seen mine...
I've been givin', I just ain't been gettin'
I've been walkin' that there line

So I think I'll keep a'walkin'
With my head held high
I keep movin' on
And only God knows why
Only God...
Only God...
Only... God knows why

Only... God knows why...

Take me to the river
Won't you take me to the river, yeah...

-- Kid Rock
"Only God Knows Why"
Devil Without A Cause (1998)

So Long, O Minister of Defense

And in other news, Reggie White kicked off.

Recipie of the Indeterminate Time Period: Clusterfuck a la Hawk

A few of the newcomers here, including the Darin Shaffer Quote Machine and myself, are convinced that a goodly number of senior and chief petty officers' morning conversations go something like this:

"Morning, Chief!"
"Morning, PO1."
"What's good with you?"
"Same old shit."

*pause*

"So, how do you want to fuck up the Indoc Division's lives today?"
"Hmmm... how about this: since the berthing barge is being shut down for renovations anyway, we introduce a plan to move half of them to the ship one day and phase the other half in on their duty days, only to scrap the plan at the last minute and move the whole toyshop aboard in one day!"
"I like it! It sings, it's got legs, and it'll make them completely miserable!"

Song of the Indeterminate Time Period, 24 December 2K4

Coming from a webcomic I don't read or pimp nearly enough...

HK-47ism of the Indeterminate Time Period

"Definition: 'Love' is making a shot to the knees of a target 120 kilometers away using an Aratech sniper rifle with a tri-light scope."

Yes, KOTOR 2's out and Everybody's Favorite Coppery Droid of Violence Fucking Violence is back for seconds too.

Song of the Indeterminate Time Period, 11 December 2K4, Part The Second

Mom got drunk and Dad got drunk at our Christmas party
We were drinking champagne punch and homemade eggnog
Little sister brought her new boyfriend
He was a Mexican
We didn't know what to think of him until he sang
Feliz Navidad, Feliz Navidad

Brother Ken brought his kids with him
The three from his first wife Lynn
And the two identical twins from his second wife Mary Nell
Of course he brought his new wife Kay
Who talks all about AA
Chain smoking while the stereo plays Noel, Noel
The First Noel

Carve the turkey, turn the ball game on
Mix margaritas when the eggnog's gone
Send somebody to the Quickpak Store
We need some ice and an extension cord
A can of bean dip and some Diet Rites
A box of tampons, some Marlboro Lights
Hallelujah everybody say cheese
Merry Christmas from the family

Fred and Rita drove from Harlingen
I can't remember how I'm kin to them
But when they tried to plug their motor home in
They blew our Christmas lights
Cousin David knew just what went wrong
So we all waited out on our front lawn
He threw a breaker and the lights came on
And we sang Silent Night, Oh Silent Night, Oh Holy Night

Carve the turkey, turn the ball game on
Make Bloody Marys 'cause we all want one!
Send somebody to the Stop 'N Go
We need some celery and a can of fake snow
A bag of lemons and some Diet Sprites
A box of tampons, some Salem Lights
Hallelujah, everybody say cheese
Merry Christmas from the family

Feliz Navidad!

-- Robert Earl Keen
"Merry Christmas From The Family"
The Party Never Ends (2003)

Song of the Indeterminate Time Period, 11 December 2K4

To all you lasses in Parnassus swallowing swords
Shooting out fire at us heathen hordes
I was thinking something before I began
But then you done cut off both of my hands
Now I do my drinking from bamboo straws
Constantly kicking at tarantulas
What was I thinking, move to Baltimore?
I am the great outdoors!

Jump into the water
Keelhauled on the Constellation
Don't you sell my belongings
'Cause you know that I'll be back

Remember when I told you that I was a samurai?
Well, the fact of the matter is that was a lie
There were some other things that I'd rather not recall
Y'all can blame it all on the alcohol
But you ain't got no business criticizing me
This is my house and I'll do as I please
What was I thinking, move to Baltimore?
I am the great outdoors!

Jump into the water
Keelhauled on the Constellation
Don't you sell my belongings
'Cause you know that I'll be back

If you're in the market for green zucchini
Farmer's almanac got the largest size
Winnebago woman, whatcha cookin'?
Move it on over and give me a slice

I'd be a richer man today if it weren't for physics
If I could levitate, I would sell lots of tickets
And maybe do an interview with Larry King while floating

I'd be a richer man today if it weren't for physics
If I could levitate, I would sell lots of tickets...

Move it on over and give me a slice!

-- Clutch
"The Great Outdoors!"
Pure Rock Fury (2001)

Second-Hand Song of the Indeterminate Time Period, 10 December 2K4

Gryphon posted this song to his fanfic imprint's well-known site forum, and it so completely describes the last days of my time as a civilian perfectly...

Song Of The Indeterminate Time Period, 4 December 2K4

This song currently owns me for free, and is the opening theme to the upcoming Kage no Senki, Cycle III: No Compromises. -- Jay

They fall in line, one at a time
Ready to play
(I can't see them anyway)
No time to lose, we've got to move
Steady your hand
(I am losing sight again)

Fire your guns, it's time to run
Blow me away
(I will stay, unless I may)
After the fall, we'll shake it off
Show me the way

Only the strongest will survive
Lead me to Heaven when we die
I am a shadow on the wall
I'll be the one to save us all

There's nothing left, so save your breath
Lying in wait
(Caught inside this tidal wave)
Your cover's blown, nowhere to go
Holding your fate
(Only I will walk alone)

Fire your guns, it's time to run
Blow me away
(I will stay, unless I may)
After the fall, we'll shake it off
Show me the way

Only the strongest will survive
Lead me to Heaven when we die
I am a shadow on the wall
I'll be the one to save us all

Wanted it back
(DON'T FIGHT ME NOW)

Only the strongest will survive
Lead me to Heaven when we die
I am a shadow on the wall
I'll be the one to save us all
Save us all...

-- Breaking Benjamin
"Blow Me Away"
Halo 2 (vol. 1) (2004)

Halo 2 Exchange Of The Indeterminate Time Period

Everybody's Favorite E-9 drops onto the surface of *SPOILER* with some ODSTs.

CORTANA: Can you POSSIBLY make any more NOISE?!

Master Chief pulls out a SPNKr.

CORTANA: I guess so.

Song of the Indeterminate Time Period, Turkey Day 2K4

Good to be back home
In the pubs with the people that you love
And a crawl around the clubs getting high
Good to be back home all alone
When you're running up the phone bill
Trying to raise the cents for the rent
Good to be back home with your kid
And you ask him what he did
Well, he burned the house down to the ground
Good to be back home with the wife
And to have some kind of life
And to wake up and break up again

Good to be back home...
Good to be back home...

Good to be back home
On a love tip, gotta keep a grip
When the ship's going down, you can flip
Good to be back home
Off the junk food, seen as a clean dude
And instill a clean bill of health
Good to be back home
Hear the sounds of the city all around
And the music, the new licks you found
Good to be back home
At the Lane for a relegation game
As the boys get caned once again

Good to be back home...
Good to be back home...
Good to be back home...
Good to be back home...

I'm not homeless
I'm just restless
I get itchy feet and reckless
I've been travelling so long, cracking
I don't really know what is happening
Here is there is anywhere
And home is my ass on a chair
Then I wish I was gone
And then I wish I was home
Then I wish I was gone (AWOL)
Then I wish I was home (AWOL)
AWOL, AWOL
Then I wish I was gone (AWOL)
Then I wish I was home (AWOL)
Hello home...

-- Pop Will Eat Itself
"Home"
Dos Dedos Mis Amigos (1994)

November Rain

Yow. Been a while since I touched this, but there's so much to do around here and not enough time to do it in. You'd expect to see snow this far north, but so far, all we've been getting is rain.

Memewatch


You are Dian Wei, bodyguard of Cao Cao. You are a
devil. Your power is feared. Animals are even
afraid of you. You don their heads to remind
your foes how foolish they are before facing
you.


What Dynasty Warriors Character are you?
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The End Of An Era, or Hunka Hunka Burnin' Athlon

My CPU is now singing with Elvis, and I don't get the rest of my enlistment bonus until I arrive at my next duty station. Which leaves me with the rest of my savings to put together a new unit. I can get my data off, but all the same, I'm gladly accepting contributions for the Get Jay A New Box Fund.

Secondhand Core Response Dance

Rob, believe me, I feel your pain, brah.

Even though I've lived all over the south central portion of the Lone Star State for the last, oh, 15 years before coming into the World's Finest Navy, I still consider San Antonio as my hometown. And I've lived through 99.5 KISS's short-lived foray into oldies to pursue the almighty advertising dollar. Granted, without the gayer-than-a-French-horn name change, although the rainbow tropical color scheme for Oldies KISS was just as faggoty... but I digress.

If the fanbase for restaurant quality rock up there is anything like the Alamo City's, then rest assured you have nothing to worry about in the long run. In our case, a consortium of investors bought the station from the parent company just to return Teh Rock to our airwaves and end the heresy of Oldies KISS.

To butcher a quote from Austin humorist John Kelso, has any oldies format that took the place of a hard rock station been as successful, valuable, spiritually uplifting, or interesting as the music it replaced?

Moving on... I believe what killed the St. Anger album was the drum mixing. Here you have Lars muthafuggin' Ulrich -- whether one praises or damns him for his views on P2P music sharing, one cannot deny that he is one of the greatest heavy metal drummers of all time -- and if I remember correctly, no less a personage than Adam "Edge" Copeland said that those songs sound great live. So what kind of crack was the producer up in the booth smoking that made him think the drum tracks over the entire album should sound like Lars was only playing tom-toms?

Dirtbag Roomie Update: As of Wednesday morning, he is outta here, bound for Dixieland. I'm just hoping the 2/c PO and booter brought in to replace him are more conscentious about the state of the room.

Cockbite Quote of the Indeterminate Time Period

"Miami is not a part of Florida. Miami is a part of Cuba!"

Not-Wilbon Quote of the Indeterminate Time Period

"Self-esteem issues are caused by two things: Lack of sex, and lack of sex."

Memewatch

Why Is It That...

...all the cockbites of the world seem to have the cool stuff?

I realize it's your room (or at the very least, a share of it is yours and another two shares happen to belong to mutual friends), Nicky Pierce, but does that give you the right to park your kiester in front of the screen while I'm trying to play Tony Hawk and try to fix your busted-ass Hewlett-Crapard portable and be so surprised when I comment that you make a better door than you do a window?

NP: Mike Curb Congregation, "Burning Bridges (Theme From Kelly's Heroes)"

Moment of Supremely Bad Taste Zen

Did Speedy Gonzales have days like this?

The Things We Do Or Think About Instead Of Our Homework

My instructor looks (and sounds) so much like Mike Wilbon on PTI that it's scary. Which leads me to this latest proclamation from the House of Ideas:

Forthwith and evermore, just as the shipmate who came up with the institutional toilet paper/CPO line is referred to as The Darin Shaffer Quote Machine, so shall my instructor be referred to in this blog as Not-Wilbon.

So let it be blogged. So let it be done.

Who Are The People In Your Neighborhood?

Class listing for my "A" School class

Turns out I'm not the only dab hand with HTML...

Song of the Indeterminate Time Period, 14 September 2K4

This one goes out to whoever's bright idea it was to hold urinanalysis tests in the Oh-my-God-what-are-we-doing-up-this-late'ning.

"You must die! I alone am best!"

I hope you flip some guy the bird
He cuts you off and you're forced to swerve
In front of the Beatles' tour bus
A Bookmobile, and a Mack truck
Hauling hazardous biological waste
The light turns red, you have no brakes
And Hard Copy gets it all on tape
So you can see the look on your face...

"Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die!
Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die!"

I hope your Pinto begins to spin
Takes out a disabled Vietnam veteran
Mows down a Nobel Peace Prize winner
And maybe some orphans having Christmas dinner
Perhaps even the British Royal Family
And the rabbi that's clutching the bottle-fed puppy
And we can't forget the newlyweds
And those Jerry's Kids are as good as dead

I hope this helps to emphasize
I hope this helps to clarify
I hope you die

I hope your cellmate thinks he's God
But CNN refer to him as "Bowling Bag Bob"
Serving time again for abuse of a corpse
Only this time, the victim's a Clydesdale horse
While he masturbates to photos of livestock
He does the Silence of the Lambs dance to Christian rock
Eats feces and quotes from "Deliverance"
And fights with his imaginary playmate Vince...

"Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die!
Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die!"

I hope he grins like Jack Nicholson
And forces you to play a game called "Balls on Chin"
And whatever happens next is all a blur
But you remember "fist" can be a verb
And when you finally regain consciousness
You're bound and gagged, in a wedding dress
And the prison guard looks the other way
'Cause he's the guy you flipped the bird the other day

I hope this helps to emphasize
I hope this helps to clarify
I hope you die

I hope you die!

-- Bloodhound Gang
"I Hope You Die"
Hooray For Boobies (2000)

Shitty Pun of the Indeterminate Time Period, 10 September 2K4

Kat Templeton brings us the following:

"DO IT YOURSELF: Larry Bostic, 52, and Wei Sun, 45, got into a misunderstanding over a shopping cart at a Home Depot store in Vineland, N.J. Each took a swing at the other, but missed. The struggle then escalated into a 'sword fight', police say, after each grabbed a two-by-four. Bostic got the short end of the stick: he was hit in the face. One of his teeth was knocked out, and his chin needed eight stitches. Both men were arrested on assault charges. (Vineland Daily Journal) ...They can hardly be blamed: the sign promised there was Fencing on Aisle 12."

Hey, Mr. Jennings... Roll For Surprise, Monkey-Boy

So the local MWR held its semi-regular Freebie Friday tonight, which included a gameshow-style trivia contest. So, arriving from some deserved late-afternoon slumbertude following the witnessing of the Training Support Center's change of command ceremony only to find the food gone, I settle in to watch. And watching some rocks stumble over the questions brought back that old familiar feeling... that something rank is going to be happening to them. I get in on the action in the second heat, with my modest These Two Clowns Have No Idea What They're Getting Into Here grin on. The last question of the round hinged on Culture Club's "Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?", and one of them rang in only to keep me from ringing in. And I look at him like "Cracka, please. The only way you're keeping me from getting this one is if you answer it yourself."

I handily blow them out and wait for the finals... I had that Larry Bird at the All-Star Game Three-Point Contest Y'All-Are-Playing-For-Second vibe going. Not just cool like that -- chill like that.

And if you thought last game was a blowout, this took it to new heights. I had 350 points before the next highest broke 150. (It was 500 points to win, 50 points for correct answer). I go on to win handily.

My reward for this display of General Knowledge Burnination? A free pass to Six Flags Great America, which is within 15 minutes of here. Now if I only had my car...

Aftershocks of Spyware

Last post, I extolled the virtues of Ad-Aware. I have another tool in the spyware defense shed to endorse to you all: Hijack This! It's a fine-toothed comb for your registry and IE settings. And if you have no idea what you're looking at, a handy logfile option is available for you to show somebody who knows what they're doing.

NP: Extreme, "Get The Funk Out"

Look, This Isn't Difficult

You know the carpet on your side of the room? The part with all the toejam, nail clippings, lint, and God knows what else? The part those in command of the BEQ consider a common area and will look at when they perform one of their random unannounced room inspections? Well, any grade of Unsat you get on it is my Unsat, too. Which means that I can't put in for the coveted Phase III (completely unrestricted) Liberty or have my car sent up here yet. So, Mr. Fleet Returnee, pick it up off the carpet and toss it in the trash, like you were back in a ship and your IQ was normal.

Jesus H. Guerrero.

The moral of the story, kiddies? Never share a BEQ room with anybody lazier than yourself.

And, On That Note, We Cue The Giggling

Bill Simmons just released his NFL preview (Movie du Preview: "Goodfellas")...

"Paulie may have moved slow, but it was only because Paulie didn't have to move for anybody."

To Vinny Testaverde, the best evidence we have that Bill Parcells has entered the "Vito Corleone stumbling around with an orange in his mouth" stage of his coaching career...

Here's a new plan to distract me from contemplating murder...

Song Of The Indeterminate Time Period, 9 September 2K4

I went home with the waitress
The way I always do
How was I to know
She was with the Russians, too?

I was gambling in Havana
I took a little risk
Send lawyers, guns, and money
Dad, get me out of this

I'm the innocent bystander
Somehow I got stuck
Between the rock and the hard place
And I'm down on my luck
Yes, I'm down on my luck
Well, I'm down on my luck

Now I'm hiding in Honduras
I'm a desperate man
Send lawyers, guns, and money
The shit has hit the fan

Send lawyers, guns, and money...

-- Warren Zevon
"Lawyers, Guns, And Money"
Excitable Boy (1978)

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More From The Darin Shaffer Quote Machine

"Goldfish is cheddar-flavored crack."

If We Are What We Eat, Then I'm Fast, Cheap, And Easy

Over the past month, I figure I've eaten more McDonald's than I've eaten since I came back to Kerrville from Austin. This is shocking, to say the least.

Overheard...

The Darin Shaffer Quote Machine just keeps on rolling: "What did we learn in 'A' School today? That bunnies can act, and Happy Tree Friends is the shit."

Exactly How Many Football Gods Must I Have Offended To Be Treated To This?

So I'm strafing ESPN waiting for class to start, and end up finding this. I'll be the first to admit that the Dennis Francione Era in Aggieland is sucking hard, and that is nothing new.

What absolutely floored me and instilled Teh Fear in me is who the Tuna got to replace Qunicy Carter under center of my beloved Cowboys.

Somewhere, Bill Simmons is giggling uncontrollably.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go peel the skin off of my body.

Would Anyone Like Some Phlegm?

I've had this cough for the past coupla weeks. Kinda annoying when you have to do PT with this shit, but it's clearing up (thank God). I don't know if Rafael nurgled me or no, but I'm just glad it's passing.

Overheard...

"[Institutional] toilet paper is like [Chief Petty Officers] -- tough as nails and takes shit off nobody." -- original thought from a shipmate of mine

"There isn't anything to do in town except each other." -- another classmate, describing why the high school he graduated from had the dubious distinction of having the highest teen pregnancy rate in the nation

Love That Link Rot

Found this at the new home of Movies in Fifteen Minutes:

Great Hall, Hogwarts

GROOVY NEW DUMBLEDORE: Many thanks to the Richard Harris Memorial Toad Choir for that lovely performance. Greetings, salutations, and what up: I will be your new Dumbledore this year, which I’m sure will be fabulous despite the presence of a few hundred undernourished ringwraiths on the premises. Hagrid will be taking over the Care of Magical Creatures class despite having no teaching credentials whatsoever, and also, we have a new teacher, Professor Lupin, to fill our cursed Defense of the Dark Arts spot. Good luck making it through the year alive, Remus!

SNAPE: *gives Lupin the stink-eye*

LUPIN: Oh, I feel at home already.

Song of the Indeterminate Time Period, 25 August 2K4

Fifteen years in the Academy
Like no cadet they'd ever seen
A man so hard his veins bleed ice
And when he speaks, he never says it twice

They call him Judge, his last name is Dredd
Break the law, and you'll wind up dead
Truth and justice, what he's fighting for
Judge Dredd the man, he is the law...
DROKK IT!

With gun and bike, he rules the streets
Every perp he meets will taste defeat
Not even Death can overcome his might
Dredd and Anderson won the fight

When the Sovs started the Apocalypse War
Mega-City was bombed to the floor
Dredd resisted, and the Judges fought back
And crushed the Sovs with their counterattack...
DROKK IT!

Respect the badge
He earned it with his blood
Fear the gun
Your sentence may be death because
I AM THE LAW
And you won't fuck around no more
I AM THE LAW
I judge the rich, I judge the poor
I AM THE LAW
Commit a crime, I'll lock the door
I AM THE LAW
Because in Mega-City
I AM THE LAW!

In the Cursed Earth, where the mutants dwell
There is no law, just a living hell
Anarchy and chaos as the blood runs red
This would change if it were up to Dredd
The Book of Law is the Bible to him
Any crime committed is a sin
He keeps peace with his Lawgiver
Judge, jury, and executioner...
(DROKK IT!)

Respect the badge
He earned it with his blood
Fear the gun
Your sentence may be death because
I AM THE LAW
And you won't fuck around no more
I AM THE LAW
I judge the rich, I judge the poor
I AM THE LAW
Commit a crime, I'll lock the door
I AM THE LAW
Because in Mega-City
I AM THE LAW!

CRIME! The ultimate sin
Your Iso-Cube is waiting when he brings you in
LAW! It's what he stands for
Crime's the only enemy and he's going to war

[repeat]

Respect the badge
He earned it with his blood
Fear the gun
Your sentence may be death because
I AM THE LAW
And you won't fuck around no more
I AM THE LAW
I judge the rich, I judge the poor
I AM THE LAW
Commit a crime, I'll lock the door
I AM THE LAW
Because in Mega-City
I AM THE LAW
And you won't fuck around no more
I AM THE LAW
I judge the rich, I judge the poor
I AM THE LAW
Commit a crime, I'll lock the door
I AM THE LAW
Because in Mega-City
I! AM! THE! LAW!

-- Anthrax
"I Am The Law"
Among The Living [1987(?)]

*grumblefuckmutter*

Almost forgot this... every blog on my list has been Dilberted by this fuggin' pay terminal I'm on!

NP: Seether, "Fine Again"

Summer Camp With Guns And Cranky Petty Officers

Hey Army!
What are you doing?
Get in your tracks and follow me...

Hey Air Force!
What are you doing?
Get in your jets and follow me...

I'm in the U.S. Navy!

For the tens (and tens) of my fans who read this blog and don't know it yet, I am now officially an United Sates Sailor. Survived boot camp and everything, and using this bit of liberty to (finally) update this. (Insert your own joke about my priorities here)

And Rob, if you're wondering what to put in your listings of bloggage for the rank, it's either Seaman or SN if you like the abbrevation thing.

NP: AFI, "Third Season"

Where Was This Shirt 2-3 Years Ago?

I am so getting one of these when I graduate bewt.

Introducing For One Night Only, The Lunch Counter Bastard From Hell

So, my last day at the Chinese Kitchen was this past Friday, and there was the usual bittersweet parting as my shift ran down for the last time. As I put it, "I won't miss the work, but I'll miss the people. (Yes, even you, [Femcockbite's real name deleted].)

But, as the title suggests, I got to blow off a little good-natured steam. I promised myself that I was going to Here's Your Sign the next person who asked if we had any bags to put purchases in. (Hello, we're in a freakin' grocery store?) And it didn't take long for me to collect...

[Customer] Do you have a sack?
[Me] Nope. We just have the cushions for the little chair (*waves to the filled bag stand*) we use when we get tired. Here's your sign.

By far my biggest pet peeve was when pigfuckerscustomers would simply blurt out the name of a food item, when it's obvious that there's more than one way to dish it up. And I got a little creative here...

[Pigfucker] Chicken Fried Rice!
[Me] Is this in a plate?
[Pigfucker] Yes.
[Me] Good. I'd hate to think I'd failed to read your mind correctly this time.

Let the record reflect that this marked the first time that I was actually flipped off by a Pigfucker.

Anyhow...

Memewatch

Cookie Monster's Bulimia Nervosa

Yes, cookies *are* good. But too much of anything
is never a good thing. Instead of bingeing and
purging, try to regulate your eating habits.
Maybe instead of having two dozen cookies, you
could have two. Also, you should slow down
your eating. Chew each bite several times
before swallowing. Eating more slowly makes it
easier to tell when you are full. And don't
worry about body image--people love you just
the way you are, googly eyes and all.


Which Sesame Street Muppet's Dark Secret Are You?
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Because There's Only 140 More Days Until Halo 2 Comes Out

Ricky (aka the Night Stocker of the Harley, shiny head and half-twisted half-bent sense of humor) has offered to sell me his old (gently-used) Xbox, Halo, extra controller, DVD playback kit, and memory card. I'm taking him up on the offer.

In Other News...

Rainbow Six 3 owns Boatswain's Mate 2/c Neal Ervin for free.

Sleazy Pun of the Indeterminate Time Period, 19 May 2K4

We get regulars, as often happens when you work for an operation like the one I work for (for the rest of this week, anyway). I swear, one of them, with the exceptions of being taller than me and having glasses, is a dead ringer for Hanover Fiste from the Heavy Metal movie (I don't consider the Julie Strain vehicle FAKK2 as a Heavy Metal movie, but let's move on). The set I ended up dropping this unintentional Sleazy Pun on is a married couple, empty-nesters (dime a dozen in Kerrville, but I digress). The wife just got back from seeing family in Alabama, and on her first day back, goes to the freakin' deli to get her repast. So, by agreement with her husband, I give her a good-natured hard time about it:

Me: What are you doing getting food from there? Does that look like real Chinese food to you?
Her: I just call it $STORE (store name changed to variable to protect the guilty) Food.
Me: I guess that's a safe way of putting it...

Chris Needs To Give His Network People A Swift Kick In The Firewalls

And Chris, the blog's in the same place as it ever was. Either email me or I'll email you before the end of the week.

Song of the Indeterminate Time Period, 18 May 2K4 (Part The First)

I'm a pimp, you can check my stats
And rollin' the Fleetwood, that's how I mack
I rock all the tracks, so the world knows
I love all the girls, smack all the hoes
Show love to those who come real with it
Life's a bitch, but I deal with it
I'm in it to win it like Yzerman
Can drink about fifteen Heinekens
I'm not born again, but if I was
I'd ask to come back with a little more love
Puffin' a Winston, drinkin' a four-oh
Kid Rock, and I'm 'a let ya know

I'll be sittin' here, just wasting time
Drinkin', smokin', thinkin'
Trying to free my mind
I'll be sittin' here, just wasting time
Drinkin', smokin'
Trying to free my mind

I spent a couple of months in this smoky room
Eatin' shrooms, drinkin' Boone's, writing tunes
And hoping to get
One of these motherfucking songs to hit
A little bit of love, that's all I need
A little inspiration in a bag of weed
A seed to plant, so my tree can grow
You know I left my girl, 'cause I don't need that--
Hold up, wait a minute, I'm about to flow
Like a breeze through the trees
You can watch me blow
Puffin' a Winston, drinkin' a four-oh
Kid Rock, and I'm 'a let ya know

I'll be sittin' here, just wasting time
Drinkin', smokin', thinkin'
Trying to free my mind
I'll be sittin' here, just wasting time
Drinkin', smokin'
Trying to free my mind

Oh yeah, oh yeah
Free my mind...

I ain't no rough guy, ain't no tough guy
Don't get out much, and don't dress up fly
A pawn in the game, that's all I am
Giving all my ducats to Uncle Sam (fuck it)
I'm free to do what I please, little lady
I was born at night, but not last night, baby
I've been around, seen some things
I slept in dumpsters, got high with kings
I know pretty much, ain't got a lot to say
But I've got more time than Morris Day
Puffin' a Winston, drinkin' a four-oh
Kid Rock, and I'm 'a let ya know

I'll be sittin' here, just wasting time
Drinkin', smokin', thinkin'
Trying to free my mind
I'll be sittin' here, just wasting time
Drinkin', smokin'
Trying to free my mind

I'll be sittin' here, just wasting time
Drinkin', smokin', thinkin'
Trying to free my mind
I'll be sittin' here, just wasting time
Drinkin', smokin'
Trying to free my mind

Wasting my time
Hey, I'm smokin'
Hey, I'm drinkin'
Tryin' to free my mind

I've been sittin' here, just wasting time
Drinkin', smokin'
Trying to free my mind

-- Kid Rock
"Wasting Time"
Devil Without A Cause (1998)

Song of the Indeterminate Time Period, 18 May 2K4 (Part The Second)

Drove downtown in the rain
9:30 on a Tuesday night
Just to check out the late-night record shop
Call it impulsive, call it compulsive
Call it insane
When I'm surrounded, I just can't stop
It's a matter of instincts, a matter of conditioning
A matter of fact
You can call me Pavlov's Dog
Ring a bell and I'll salivate
Now how'd ya like that?
Dr. Lendy, tell me you're not just a pedagogue

'Cause right now I'm...
Lying in bed, just like Brian Wilson did
Well, I'm...
Lying in bed, just like Brian Wilson did

So I'm lying here
Just staring at the ceiling tiles
And I'm thinking about
Oh, what to think about
Just listening and relistening
To Smiley Smile
And I'm wondering if this is some kind of creative drought

Because...
I'm lying in bed, just like Brian Wilson did
Well, I'm...
Lying in bed, just like Brian Wilson did

And if you wanna find me
I'll be out in the sandbox
Just wondering where the hell
All the love has gone
I'm playing my guitar and building
Castles in the sun
And singing 'Fun Fun Fun'

Lying in bed, just like Brian Wilson did
Well, I'm...
Lying in bed, just like Brian Wilson did

I had a dream
That I was three hundred pounds
And though I was very heavy
I floated 'til I couldn't see the ground
I floated 'til I couldn't see the ground
Somebody help me, I couldn't see the ground
(Somebody help me, I couldn't see the ground)
Somebody help me...

Because I'm...
Lying in bed, just like Brian Wilson did
Well, I'm...
Lying in bed, just like Brian Wilson did

Drove downtown in the rain
9:30 on a Tuesday night
Just to check out the late-night record shop
Call it impulsive, you can call it compulsive
You can call it insane
When I'm surrounded, I just can't stop...

-- Barenaked Ladies
"Brian Wilson"
Rock Spectacle (1997)

Song of the Indeterminate Time Period, 18 May 2K4 (Part The Third)

(We had a lot of pigfuckers stop by this evening, or couldn't you tell? So, for the express-hole who dumped a cart's worth of groceries on Maria, to the fat bitch who called me an idiot for following her mother's instructions, this one's for y'all)

Feelings
Nothing more than feelings
Trying to forget my
Feelings of hate

Imagine
Beating on your face
Trying to forget my
Feelings of hate

Feelings
For all my life I'll feel it
I wish I'd never met you
You'll make me sick again

Feelings, oh oh feelings
Of hate in my mind

Feelings
Feelings like I never liked you
Feelings like I want to kill you
Live in my heart

Feelings
Feelings like I wanna deck you
Feelings like I've gotta get you
Out of my life

Feelings, oh oh feelings
The hate's in my eyes

Feelings, oh oh feelings
You're not very nice

-- The Offspring
"Feelings"
Americana (1998)

LAMEST. COOKIE FORTUNE. EVER.

"Say 'bless you' when you hear someone sneeze."

Null defecation, this was my fortune cookie fortune from dinner tonight. Instead of printing the lucky numbers below it, they shoulda had "It's just common freakin' courtesy, okay?"

In other news, Derek Fisher can NEW JACK SWING ON MY NUTS. (dap to Butch Rosser for introducing that term into my vocabulary)

Pro-Lakers Refs Can Eat A Fat Dick

And now, the answers to the second 20 of the songmeme.

21) Hey... don't write yourself off yet / It's only in your head that you feel left out / Or looked down on
Jimmy Eat World, "The Middle" (Rik hits the blocks early here)

22) When they kick at your front door / How you gonna come? / With your hands on your head / Or on the trigger of your gun?
Dropkick Murphys covering The Clash's "The Guns Of Brixton"

23) When figures from the past stand tall / And mocking voices ring above / Imperialistic house of prayer / Conquistadors who took their share
Nine Inch Nails covering Joy Division's "Dead Souls"

24) Throw down the chains of oppression that bind you / With the air of freedom the flame grows bright / We are the strong, the youth united / We are one, we are children of the light
Queensryche, "Take Hold Of The Flame" (SKOAR~~! for Rob)

25) "I'm a'pickin'..." / "And I'm a'swingin'!" / "I'm ignorant!" / "And I'm ugly!"
Ren & Stimpy, "The Lord Loves A Hangin' (That's Why He Gave Us Necks)"

26) But what we've got / Is a blue-light special on truth / It's the hottest thing with the youth / You've got nerves we need to soothe
Information Society, "Peace & Love, Inc."

27) Your mind tricked you to feel the pain / Of someone close to you leaving the game... of life / So here it is, another chance / Wide awake, you face the day / The dream is over... or has it just begun?
Queensryche, "Silent Lucidity" (Rik does it again)

28) Just on the border of your waking mind / There lies another time / Where darkness and light are one / And as you tread the halls of sanity / You feel so glad to be / Unable to go beyond / I have a message from another time...
Electric Light Orchestra, "Twilight"

29) What makes a man? / Is it the woman in his arms? / Just 'cause she has big titties? / Or is it the way / He fights every day? / No, it's probably the titties
DVDA, "Now You're A Man"

30) I'm moppin' up the comp / That's short for 'competition' / I run my lyrics / Like the Irish Mob in Hell's Kitchen
House Of Pain, "House Of Pain Anthem" (Rik got the band, and I'll accept that)

31) I can tell just by the climate / And I can tell just by the style / I was born and raised on Venus / And I may be here a while / Cause every supersonic jerkoff / Who plugs into the game / Is just like every subatomic genius / Who just invented pain
Monster Magnet, "Negasonic Teenage Warhead"

32) Guilty as charged / I've been convicted and tried / Was it too much to ask / For you to take my side?
Treble Charger, "Brand New Low" (Rob T gets this one)

33) You could've had a V8 / Instead of a trey-eight slug to your cranium / I've got six, and I'm aimin' 'em
Ice Cube, "Check Yourself"

34) In a room beyond the view / You choose to tremble in / Reinventing Christ / Who died to make it make some sense
Systematic, "Deep Colors Bleed"

35) I thought it was just a matter of time / 'Til I had a hundred reasons not to think about you
The Cult, "Painted On My Heart"

36) Contrary to the matter / Who you are, you are not / Come with me, I'll show you Saturn / Planets don't quite align
Alien Ant Farm, "Courage"

37) You've treated me like I'm always this piece of shit / You think you're in control, but you make me sick
Stabbing Westward, "The Thing I Hate"

38) She clings to me like cellophane / Fake plastic submarine / Slowly driving me insane / But now that's over
SR-71, "Right Now" (SKOAR~~! for Rik)

39) You're perfect, yes, it's true / But without me, you're only you / Your menstruating heart / It ain't bleeding enough for two
Faith No More, "Midlife Crisis"

40) They fixed up the corner store like it was a nightclub / It's permanently disco
They Might Be Giants, "Man It's So Loud In Here"

Song of the Indeterminate Time Period, 12 May 2K4

Over and over, I keep wondering why
Then I give up and see that look in your eyes
'Cause if I trip and fall, I'll be to blame
And if I hit the wall, I'll still be the same

Wasting your time with your so-called friends
The ones you adore and the ones you pretend
And it's kind of sad and deranged
But it's not so bad that it can't be explained

'Cause in my mind, it's all a waste of time
And there's no excuse at all
And I realize
Surprise, you were right all along

And I wanna know
Have I gone too far?
Have I sunk to a brand new low?
And I wanna know
If I've gone too far
'Cause I've lost all my self-control

Guilty as charged, I've been convicted and tried
Was it too much to ask for you to take my side?
'Cause there's nothing here to defend
When it's always me that you blame in the end

'Cause in my mind, it's the perfect crime
And there's no excuse at all
When I realize
Surprise, you were right all along

And I wanna know
Have I gone too far?
Have I sunk to a brand new low?
And I wanna know
If I've gone too far
'Cause I've lost all my self-control

Nothing is what it seems... to me
We're sleeping without the dreams
Without you, nothing defines me
When I'm slipping away
It's only you that can find me
And I'm over my head again
I'm falling from end to end

And I wanna know
Have I gone too far?
And I wanna know
Have I gone too far?
And I wanna know
If I've gone too far
'Cause I've lost all my self-control
'Cause I've lost all my self-control
Now I've sunk to a brand new low
(brand new low)
There's nothing to do without you
(brand new low)
There's nothing in here without you
(brand new low)
I'm slipping away without you
Have I sunk to a brand new low?

-- Treble Charger
"Brand New Low"
Wide Awake Bored (2001)

(and #32 on the Son of Songmeme list. Sorry, everybody, but Rob got it right first.)

Class Is Now In Session

The answers to the first twenty of the songmeme...

1) Turn your television off / And I will sing a song / And if you suddenly have the urge / You can sing along...
Nickelback, "Leader Of Men" (My man Rik got this one)

2) No, you needn't shed a tear / 'Cause I've got waffles and I've got beer / And I've got Mr. Belvedere...
Nerf Herder, "Welcome To My World"

3) And though my stomach may be empty / I'll feed my head from a horn of plenty...
The Uninvited, "Too High For The Supermarket"

4) And if you want to find me / I'll be out in the sandbox / Just wondering where the hell / All the love has gone...
Barenaked Ladies, "Brian Wilson"

5) Take a loaded gun and blow my fantasy away / Turn off the lights and shine the spotlight down on you...
Cold, "It's All Good"

6) We search for the truth / We could die upon the tooth / But the thrill of just the chase is worth the pain...
Dio, "The Last In Line"

7) Living on the road, my friend / Is going to keep you free and clean / Now you wear your skin like iron / And your breath as hard as kerosene...
Willie Nelson & Merle Haggard, "Pancho & Lefty"

8) "Banks and banks of humming machines! I've never seen so many knobs!"
The Propellerheads, "Bang On!"

9) Everybody always wants control over me / The only way to get it's over my dead body...
Winger, "Battle Stations"

10) Been a poor man all his life / And just when things were going right / Some stranger takes his woman away / Doesn't know if he'll see another day...
Blackfoot, "Diary Of A Workingman"

11) Whoops! Sorry about that / It's just an accident / Revenge, nobody forgets / Chop it into bits...
Faith No More, "The Perfect Crime" (all right, this and the Winger song I can't blame for snookerin' y'all since they were only found on the Bill & Ted's Bogus Journey soundtrack, one of the most underrated soundtracks EVAR in retrospect.)

12) She just woke up, but she's still tired / Is that the telephone ringing?...
Mr. Big, "Green-Tinted Sixties Mind"

13) Have you lived the experience? / Have you witnessed the plague? / People making babies sometimes just to escape...
Bad Religion, "Punk Rock Song"

14) You got to learn how to pray, love won't be enough / Admit it now, your information sucks...
The Wallflowers, "Everybody Out Of The Water (New Frontier)"

15) Between the velvet lies / There's a truth as hard as steel / The vision never dies / Life's a never-ending wheel...
Dio, "Holy Diver"

16) But sometimes the shit just seems / Everbody only wants to discuss me / So this must mean I'm dis-gust-ing / But that's just me, I'm just obscene...
Eminem, "Without Me" (Circle gets the square, Salinn!)

17) Apocalypse now, walls of flame / Billowing smoke, who's to blame / Forged from steel, iron will / Shit for brains, born to kill...
KMFDM, "Son Of A Gun"

18) And you said, 'make the world scared' / Come on, show me the sign of victory...
Accept, "Balls To The Wall" (Rik, hang your head in shame, brah! This song's on YOUR playlist!)

19) What was that move that they taught in self-defense? / You block the killer's knife move with some confidence...
Nonpoint, "What A Day" (Rik does get this one right, however)

20) And the lights, turn them off, my friend / And the ghost... will just let them in / Because in the dark, it's easier... to see...
Savatage, "When The Crowds Are Gone"

Cockbites Will Eat Themselves

So Cockbite says to me the other night that Femcockbite is starting to turn her attentions onto him. It seems to be her way, to try to be the boss of everyone. Fortunately, I won't have to deal with either for much longer.

Oh, For Fuck's Sake...

As I pointed out in "Dishmover My Butt", Dish Network's a little slow in getting one's dish moved. Now we find that they're also glacial in fixing problems with the dish. One of the transmitter heads on our dish's feedhorn went belly-up, and now we can't get some of our channels. The techs were more than happy to send somebody out...

Provided we can live without those missing channels until the 24th.

Son of the Songmeme

So interesting I'm lobbing 20 more atcha. Some of them are covers, so I'll accept either the original artist or the cover band I have the mp3 of.

21) Hey... don't write yourself off yet / It's only in your head that you feel left out / Or looked down on

22) When they kick at your front door / How you gonna come? / With your hands on your head / Or on the trigger of your gun?

23) When figures from the past stand tall / And mocking voices ring above / Imperialistic house of prayer / Conquistadors who took their share

24) Throw down the chains of oppression that bind you / With the air of freedom the flame grows bright / We are the strong, the youth united / We are one, we are children of the light

25) "I'm a'pickin'..." / "And I'm a'swingin'!" / "I'm ignorant!" / "And I'm ugly!"

26) But what we've got / Is a blue-light special on truth / It's the hottest thing with the youth / You've got nerves we need to soothe

27) Your mind tricked you to feel the pain / Of someone close to you leaving the game... of life / So here it is, another chance / Wide awake, you face the day / The dream is over... or has it just begun?

28) Just on the border of your waking mind / There lies another time / Where darkness and light are one / And as you tread the halls of sanity / You feel so glad to be / Unable to go beyond / I have a message from another time...

29) What makes a man? / Is it the woman in his arms? / Just 'cause she has big titties? / Or is it the way / He fights every day? / No, it's probably the titties

30) I'm moppin' up the comp / That's short for 'competition' / I run my lyrics / Like the Irish Mob in Hell's Kitchen

31) I can tell just by the climate / And I can tell just by the style / I was born and raised on Venus / And I may be here a while / Cause every supersonic jerkoff / Who plugs into the game / Is just like every subatomic genius / Who just invented pain

32) Guilty as charged / I've been convicted and tried / Was it too much to ask / For you to take my side?

33) You could've had a V8 / Instead of a trey-eight slug to your cranium / I've got six, and I'm aimin' 'em

34) In a room beyond the view / You choose to tremble in / Reinventing Christ / Who died to make it make some sense

35) I thought it was just a matter of time / 'Til I had a hundred reasons not to think about you

36) Contrary to the matter / Who you are, you are not / Come with me, I'll show you Saturn / Planets don't quite align

37) You've treated me like I'm always this piece of shit / You think you're in control, but you make me sick

38) She clings to me like cellophane / Fake plastic submarine / Slowly driving me insane / But now that's over

39) You're perfect, yes, it's true / But without me, you're only you / Your menstruating heart / It ain't bleeding enough for two

40) They fixed up the corner store like it was a nightclub / It's permanently disco

Answers later this week...

More Insidious Than The Sasser Worm

There's a meme going around several blogs of my friends who prefer LiveJournal for their blogging needs, and it's found its way to me. You take 20 random songs out of your playlist, quote a lyric from each, and see if people guess right.

1) Turn your television off / And I will sing a song / And if you suddenly have the urge / You can sing along...

2) No, you needn't shed a tear / 'Cause I've got waffles and I've got beer / And I've got Mr. Belvedere...

3) And though my stomach may be empty / I'll feed my head from a horn of plenty...

4) And if you want to find me / I'll be out in the sandbox / Just wondering where the hell / All the love has gone...

5) Take a loaded gun and blow my fantasy away / Turn off the lights and shine the spotlight down on you...

6) We search for the truth / We could die upon the tooth / But the thrill of just the chase is worth the pain...

7) Living on the road, my friend / Is going to keep you free and clean / Now you wear your skin like iron / And your breath as hard as kerosene...

8) "Banks and banks of humming machines! I've never seen so many knobs!"

9) Everybody always wants control over me / The only way to get it's over my dead body...

10) Been a poor man all his life / And just when things were going right / Some stranger takes his woman away / Doesn't know if he'll see another day...

11) Whoops! Sorry about that / It's just an accident / Revenge, nobody forgets / Chop it into bits...

12) She just woke up, but she's still tired / Is that the telephone ringing?...

13) Have you lived the experience? / Have you witnessed the plague? / People making babies sometimes just to escape...

14) You got to learn how to pray, love won't be enough / Admit it now, your information sucks...

15) Between the velvet lies / There's a truth as hard as steel / The vision never dies / Life's a never-ending wheel...

16) But sometimes the shit just seems / Everbody only wants to discuss me / So this must mean I'm dis-gust-ing / But that's just me, I'm just obscene...

17) Apocalypse now, walls of flame / Billowing smoke, who's to blame / Forged from steel, iron will / Shit for brains, born to kill...

18) And you said, 'make the world scared' / Come on, show me the sign of victory...

19) What was that move that they taught in self-defense? / You block the killer's knife move with some confidence...

20) And the lights, turn them off, my friend / And the ghost... will just let them in / Because in the dark, it's easier... to see...

The Reaction From The Gallery

Grand Theft Rob: I cooked at Jack - try having 35 burgers, 10 chicken sandwiches, 2 sourdoughs, a fajita, and then having more orders that don't even show on the screen
Jaybatdel97: Good God.
Jaybatdel97: But for the same person?
Grand Theft Rob: yep, by myself. And I've handled even worse than that.
Grand Theft Rob: um....
Grand Theft Rob: We got ...40,50,60 dollar orders on ocasion
Grand Theft Rob: not that often, but it did happen. It'd be like seven, eight, nine bags of food.
Jaybatdel97: Thankfully, the highest dollar amount I've seen is roughly $30 thereabouts.
Grand Theft Rob: We got one walkin order for 20 #7s (Bacon Ultimate - that is 40 PIECES OF MEAT.) one time.
Jaybatdel97: Wow... was he feeding a basketball team or something?
Grand Theft Rob: I didn't take the order, so I didn't ask. I was on the fryers, so I dropped three baskets of fries and then went to help the cook.
Grand Theft Rob: Michelle, as it happened. She looked up - heh. I still remember that look she gave me. "Is this a joke?" "Me: nope. It's fah real." Her: unprintable."
Grand Theft Rob: at least she had me to back her up - a lot of times I was on the grill and if Michelle or Rick or Linda wasn't around, none of the assholes would help me if I was getting slaughtered.
Jaybatdel97: I feel your pain, brah. I feel your pain.
Jaybatdel97: We're still missing somebody from the staff, and it's causing even the other steady performer on the line not to help me if I'm being slaughtered.
Grand Theft Rob: I hated that shit - the same people that would SCREAM at me to help them if they were cooking would just look at me like "where's MAH FOOD?" if I was cooking. And the damnest thing is when I'd look at them like they were a fucking clown shoe, they'd get mad
Grand Theft Rob: like they were fucking blind and couldn't see me running around trying to do 20 things at once
Grand Theft Rob: the horror-laden world of fast food.
Grand Theft Rob: at least you can come home to sat TV now!
Jaybatdel97: Yes yes yo.

All Right, So Jackie Brown Sucked, But This Is Good, Really

Wonder of wonders, the theater in this two-horse town actually picked up the second half of #4 for Quentin Tarantino, and I just came back from seeing it. It answers a number of questions the first film asked, such as...

• What is The Bride's real name?


• Does The Bride get to kill Bill?


• Will Quentin Tarantino appear in this story as a character?


• How did Elle Driver lose her right eye?


• If all the women in the Deadly Viper Assassination Squad have snake names, then what are Budd's and Bill's?


• And the big question posed by Bill at the end of Vol. 1 (no, I ain't gonna tell you what it was!)

There's one part in the movie that my man Chuck Blend (for many years, the purveyor of Mandatory Maison Ikkoku at Texas A&M) would call "a very nice sequence", though. As for the soundtrack, there's not that many reach-out-and-smack-you-with-its-awesomeness songs on there like there was in Vol. 1. The one that stands out now would be the song that plays when The Bride squares off against her would-be sifu, Pai Mei, for the first time.

All in all, Quentin Tarantino is back with a vengeance.

Simply Point, Grunt, And Enjoy For Lunch Or Dinner

As the title of this piece suggests, I feel like griping about work today. I seem to be getting an inordinate amount of people wandering through my line with Big-Ass Orders, i.e. the kind that make you think somebody's ordering chow for an entire ship's division. I mean, a bunch of people get their combo dinners and head home, and I can respect that. But lately, I've been getting the kind of muthafuggas who open things up with "Let me get a Dinner For Two and a Dinner For Four" or, worse yet, they just start tacking on king-size portions of food a la carte until they've ordered enough for four or more. CRIMINY.

Now y'all know why I didn't rate as a cook.

Finally...

As I predicted earlier, I now have honest-to-God satellite programming in my room. I turned on the TV for ha-has and saw Macross Plus on it. Life is good.

Now if some kind soul with a good deal of disposable income would be so kind as to buy me this...

Update to "Dishmover My Butt"

Well, it turns out I have a dish receiver in my room now, but it does NOT pick up any channels that the other two receivers do. Dad is looking into it, but I expect a turnaround time of, oh, say, end of this week.

Cockbite Quote of the Indeterminate Time Period

"I'm a nice guy when I'm not being an asshole."

I Knew My Mom Was A Hot Lady, But This Is Ridiculous

Easter festivities at Chez Ramsperger have been cancelled on account of Mom burning up with fever. And just when the focus of conversation at work was said Easter festivities. I had picked up extra Easter candy on account of a distinct lack of fresh Cadbury Creme Eggs, which has through this purchase, been rectified. That's the best part of Easter since the egg hunts fell off around my neck of the woods, and I don't know any retailer around here that's doing egg hunts for adults like the one I heard about on the Eyewitness Newsreel last night (up in some Eastern state with jewelry inside the eggs). Le sigh.

I Do Have My Moments

Most of the time, I'm afflicted by the syndrome of witty remarks coming to mind roughly five to fifteen minutes after the perfect time for them. But when I'm on my game, I come up with gems such as this one...

Customer (upon seeing my grimacing): Must be having one of those days your mother didn't tell you you'd have...
Me: Actually, Mother did tell me I'd have days like this. I just wasn't expecting four of them all at once.

I broke said customer, not to mention the cockbite, up with laughter at that one.

Happy Easter, Blog Nation... now enjoy Nickelback.

Dishmover My Butt

We are more or less settled into the new place, but we still don't have our satellite hook-up yet! And the slackasses down our way have us pencilled in all right... for NEXT. WEEK.

Dish Network: Great shows, but God help you if you ever move!

Song of the Indeterminate Time Period, 28 March 2K4, Part the First

No time now for losing tempers
Or filling up with rage or anger
Flying off the handle could be detrimental
Calmer heads are called for here

A breath or two might be applied
We'll count to ten and then decide
Rash decision, crash collision
Damage done beyond repair

Kinder words here we could pick
A kind approach might do the trick
Hurt you, hurt me, well, that needs to stop
Kinder words here we could choose
We kinda got a lot to lose
The temperature, we need that to drop

A wrong move now might spell disaster
A selfish one might spell it faster
Let's relax, review the facts
For all involved, it might be best

A world of difference might be made
If our next move could be delayed
We'll sort it out and we'll talk about
Just what it was that caused this mess

Kinder words here we could pick
A kind approach might do the trick
Hurt you, hurt me, that's the worst thing we could do
Kinder words here we could choose
We kinda got a lot to lose
Watch what we say, don't walk away, we'll see it through

[lead break]

Kinder words here we could pick
A kind approach might do the trick
Hurt you, hurt me, well, that needs to stop
Kinder words here we could choose
We kinda got a lot to lose
The temperature, we need that to drop

-- The Mighty Mighty Bosstones
"Kinder Words"
Question the Answers (1994)

Song of the Indeterminate Time Period, 28 March 2K4, Part the Second

The Champs, "Tequila"

Honorable Mention goes to "Jose Cuervo" by Shelly West, but the gender-specific pronouns and situations tend to be the deal breaker there.

Reason for the selection is simple. We've been getting into making homemade lemonade in the back, and it's pretty darn tasty. Even Mike the manager likes it. Since most of our crew is Hispanic, we started jokingly referring to it as "tequila".

Ladies And Gentlemen, We Have A Winner...

The steam table at work has these detachable bars for holding food pans up. Over the course of a day, these can get rather grody with the leavings of sauces, chicken bits, and what not. Now, normally, these get trucked into the back to be washed with the rest of the dishes. But one guy at work makes no bones about his flat-out refusal to do them. And scrubbing them up front simply Does Not Work with the meager dishcleaning resources available there. It should be noted that nobody else at work, not even the aforementioned Femcockbite, has this problem, preferring to do them up like good little team players. So I toss them into the dishwater, and he chucks them into the sanitizing sink without doing them one bit.

So, B.B. (and I ain't talking about the EMTette tabledriven by the Dudleyz at the first Smackdown! I ever went to live), you are forthwith dubbed a certified Cockbite.

Guess Who's Back? Back Again?

Rob's back off hiatus, and so am I!

Here's his take on the whole situation (less his Closed Captions for the Thinking Impaired):

"Things that have happened since I put my blog on hiatus:
Johnny B got fired.
Butch lost his girl.
Jay lost his girl.
Mikedean turned into a giant uptight dork. (Just kidding. Maybe. BITCH.).
Brock Lesnar left the WWE for football
Matt Spaulding ended up owing on his taxes.
The switch on Easy's brain didn't work. And they brought back the Mullets in spite of his fervent hatred.

Clearly, this blog must be restored or Blog Nation will be homeless in boxes."

Alk is more excited about his move than anybody is entitled to. Of course, he's been in the whole apartment routine ever since I've known him, so getting something with an honest to God yard is thrilling for him. My new digs have an honest to God front yard and fenced-in backyard too, except this is the first time in oh, say, nine years off and on I've been living with my parents that said yards do not contain livestock.

Speaking of mullets, I have officially seen everything as far as mullets go. There was a guy in the store tonight with his head shaved clean, except for the nape of his neck, which was doing the mullet thing. I suppose you might call that a "bal-mullet" or something.

KHAAAAAAAAANNNNN!!!!!!!!!

This seems to sum things up nicely across Blog Nation, methinks.

Here's why:

• Butch's newfound flame drops the Dreaded F-Bomb (and I am not talking about For Unlawful Carnal Knowledge)


• Right about the same time my own newfound flame did so


• Rob T's on blogging hiatus


• Johnny B essentially got screwed out of his (admittedly shite) job


• I got in to work to find that I was short by $40-50 last week with no clue as to how that happened (Instant writeup, just add water)


• Brock Lesnar may be going to play football full time as opposed to wrestling


• My folks are moving over the course of the next two weeks (and as anybody who knows me will tell you, moving is an event I welcome as enthusiastically as oral surgery sans anesthesia)

Good things as of late:

• Chris is back in the States


• Wrestlemania XX results, for the most part -- Cena, Eddy, and Benoit went over (nice to see the traditional underdogs get their time in the sun)


• I got named Recruit Chief Petty Officer of the DEP recruits for Naval Recruiting Station Kerrville (Sailor Jay is gonna make things happen, provided he survives boot)

And They Say Swords & Sorcery Movies Get Shafted By The Academy...

This past weekend, Lord of the Rings: The Return Of The King won every Academy Award it was nominated for, incuding Best Picture. This vote by the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences averted worldwide nerd riots. ;)

In Other Movie News

So my grandma got me a seat for a showing of The World's Most Expensive Passion Play, which you will only have not heard of if you have spent this year and the last living under a rock. And what some have said is true: you don't watch it, you live it.

I am issuing an open challenge to everybody who reads this, no matter what your use for Judeo-Christian teachings is, to watch the flogging scene without wincing or flinching. I've seen a bunch of gory films in my time, and I couldn't watch that and not flinch. It literally moved my mom to tears.

So I get back to my favorite IRC channel, and one of the regulars, who happens to be one of the most irreverent people I know, asks "Whodunnit?"

My response: "If I were God, the High Priest of the Sanhedrin would be on the Go To Hell, Go Straight To Hell, Do Not Pass Go, Do Not Collect 200 Shekels List."

Briefly...

A little quote from Gryphon that caught my fancy: "There are the huge, towering problems that sometimes seem completely insurmountable and demoralizing, like my apparent inability to get hired by anyone who isn't a complete asshole, or the fact that I'm living in a timid century and won't live to see the next great age of exploration, or the way the government seems to get a little more sinister and manipulative every day and there doesn't seem to be anything anyone can do to stop it.

And then there are the things that are just really, really annoying."

I could think of millions of things and people at my job that fit the latter description: the alarms on the freezer doors that go off whenever we're too harried to close them; the people who answer "fried rice" when you ask them what kind of rice they want, like they can't see that you have THREE DIFFERENT VARIETIES of said food right under their noses; and the one PITA coworker who had the unmitigated GALL to say I never help with the cleaning, even though I went to do the dishes and was instructed by our collective manager to go up front to help the servers out because we were getting slammed, and on top of all that, this witch was within earshot when I offered to clean the front windows on the heat table that everybody and their dog who comes through the line loves to put their fingers on, only to be instructed to stay on the serving line and help there.

Congratulations, V.G., you are the first female cockbite to be recorded since I started documenting them.

Memewatch (Third-Hand Version)

This is third-hand because I got it from Chris (who got it from Matt):



create your own personalized map of the USA
or write about it on the open travel guide

And now, my own comparably pathetic list of countries:



create your own visited country map
or write about it on the open travel guide

Song of the Indeterminate Time Period

Don't look now, things just got worse
I'm drunk again
I swear, this crescent is just a curse
I got here... by killing off all my friends
I think I've figured it out
My life begins when the fun ends

I got my wings
I'm free to go as I please
Yeah, I got my wings
Now nothing really pleases me

'Til everything falls apart
Then I get to try to put it back together
Yeah, it falls apart
And you can count on that
You can count on bad, bad weather again

Was it good?
I don't remember much about it
When things start to feel right
You can count on me to start to doubt it
And the devil's not in the details
No, the devil is in my pants
And it's shoot first, apologize later
Another quick and new sure-shot romance

Well, I got what I wanted
Now I don't want anything
Yeah, I got what I wanted
Now my life is just boring

'Til everything falls apart
Then I get to try to put it back together
Yeah, it falls apart
And you can count on that
You can count on bad weather this year

I met God this afternoon
Riding on an uptown train
I said, "Don't You have better things to do?"
He said, "If I do My job, what would you complain about?
So I let it go to hell, now I'll have something to do"
He said, "I'll let it go to hell
Does that sound familiar to you?"

Well, everything falls apart
Then I get to try to put it back together
Yeah, it falls apart
And you can count on that
You can count on bad, bad weather--

Well, everything that falls apart, baby
Sooner or later, gonna come back together
Well, everything that comes together, hey,
Sooner or later gonna fall apart again
And you can call it anything you want
They're gonna take it all away from you
You're gonna wake up, wake up, wake up,
And find yourself lost again...

-- Dog's Eye View
"Everything Falls Apart"
Happy Nowhere (1997)

The Day The "B~~!" Died

Let me tell you a story about my man Roger over in the bakery. His official position, as near as I can tell, is Store Brand French Bread Hawker. What makes him special is when he gets on the store intercom to do his hawking, several times a day. It's not so much the pitch as the way he caps it off. He does this the way I think Butch would if he had Roger's job.

"As always, we'd like to thank you for shopping H-E-B~~!"

The tilde-bangs don't do it justice. It's the kind of 'B' pronunciation you'd expect to hear in a nightclub. It generally made a lot of people's day whenever he'd be working and deliver that line.

Now, imagine my surprise when I get into work today and hear Roger's voice over the intercom, and the line comes. This time, the HEB part ends the way everybody else says it. So I run into him while he's gone to the front to hawk bread and I'm coming back with more quarters for my till (a lot of people LOVE to break twenties on me), and I ask him about it.

It turns out that a small minority of old fogies customers had an issue with The B~~! Line, and took it up with management, who then quietly convinced Roger to stop the practice.

Hello, y'all, my name is Jay R., I'm white, and I'm damned ashamed of it.

I Should Be Getting Used To This, But...

So I got called down to San Antonio to spend the night with my sister and her family because Dad was worried about potential ice on the road. Why I'm in San Antonio is something that is quite frankly not for public consumption. I had planned on leaving the house around 7:30 before this thing came up, namely that my sister and brother-in-law (or as I like to call them, Lucky Muthafugga and Wife) are spending the weekend in the City of Lights. Yep, they're going to Paris. And I get the job of trucking their brood back to Kerrville.

Anyway, I am awakened at 0545 by the plaintive cries of my nephew, who has managed to soil himself overnight and is calling for his mother in the way of the very young. By the time the smoke clears, I am on the road at 0700. After a wrong turn down Loop 410 (construction making most arteries in Northwest SA look a lot alike), I arrive at my destination an hour and a half early.

You guessed it... hurry up and wait.

Son of Cheesy Puns

Am I the only one who looks at an advertising blurb for Metal Gear Solid: The Twin Snakes (or MGS Goes GameCube!) and has the phrase "Forget it, Snake, it's Chinatown" run through his head?

I Know This Is A Week Old, But...

I swear, Janet's boob got more press than the finish of the game, which was one of the more fantastic ones in recent memory. I didn't see said nipplege personally, as the family took halftime at the dinner table. You know a finish is fantastic if it can tear you away from Neverwinter Nights to see it. The real Carolina Panthers showed up in the second half, much to my grandmother's delight (she simply didn't like the grabby grabby of Old England's second half game).

However, in the end, it came down to boots: that of John Kasay, who shanked the kickoff following the TD that capped the Panthers' comeback, giving the Pats the ball at the 40; and that of Adam Vinatieri, who once again proved clutch after missing one FG and having his only other attempt before this one blocked. Kasay seems destined to add his name next to Ian Montgomery, Scott Norwood, and the other placekickers who blew it when the game was on the line.

The Things You Think About While Working...

[WARNING: Cheesy puns ahead! You have been warned.]

o/~ Soy... un tenedor... I'm an utensil, baby, so why don't you use me? o/~

Now, Do You Want Your Crow On The Dinner Combo, Or The Super Combo?

(Chinese Kitchen joke, y'all. Sorry.)

In the end, it turned out that Bill Simmons's rule about the Detmers being one hard QB hit away from warming up on the sidelines held sway.

Way to go, Philly chumpstains. You snookered Chris, Rob, and most importantly, me. The conference championship weekend gave us all a lesson in just how smart we aren't, and made me take note that Carolina coach John Fox's defensive skills were highly underrated by this circle.

Now, if you can beat New England in my home state this coming Sunday, then I might just take my hat off to ya.

I strongly doubt it, though.

In other news, I'd play some Whitesnake (namely "Is This Love?") for Butch, but others are picking the music better than me.

Mandatory Football Picks Post

Carolina @ Philly

QB Quality: Donovan F. McNabb (known quality) v. Jake Delhomme (unknown quality). Advantage: Philly

Coaching Quality: I couldn't tell you the name of Carolina's coach, but he's done well to get the Panthers to this point. However, Quincy Carter was shakier than a Jenga tower and Mike Martz was a pussy (37 seconds left, inside the red zone, one timeout left, and you play for the TIE?!). Donovan McNabb isn't (at least this year), and Andy Reid certainly isn't. Advantage: Philly

Running Game: Stephen Davis on bum wheels (and understudies) v. The Incredibly Annoying (fantasy-wise) Running Game By Committee. Advantage: PUSH

Defense (Front 7): Advantage: PUSH
(Secondary): Advantage: Philly

My Pick: Philly

Indianapolis @ New England

QB Quality: Peyton Manning, Born Again Hard v. Tom Brady, Super Bowl Veteran. This will be telling in that so much of both their offenses are pass-oriented. Slight Advantage: Indy

Coaching Quality: Tony Dungy v. Bill Bellichick (sp?), two men in the upper echelon of NFL coaches. However, one has been to a Super Bowl and won, the other has not. Slight Advantage: Old England

Running Game: Edgerrin James v. the iffy Antowain Smith. If the weather turns nasty, look for Edge to have a big day. Advantage: Indy

Kicking Game: Vanderjagt is fairly good, as his string of FGs can attest to. But Adam Vinateri is clutch like he was in the Super Bowl, and proved to be the deciding factor against Teh Flaming Thumbtacks. Advantage: Old England

My Pick: I'd really like Indy to win this, but New England's going to be TOUGH to beat at home. However, you can count on at least one game a playoff weekend running 180 degrees from popular opinion... If I had the money, I'd not be betting a lot of it on this game.

Briefly...

So I managed to eke out a 6th place finish in the Jacksux League, despite my timeshare in the cellar during the regular season. Johnny B, the Ewok who cockblocked me on Priest muthafuggin' Holmes, ended up winning the trophy. Lesson: He who controls Priest muthafuggin' Holmes, controls the league.

You know you play too much Guilty Gear or hang around fans of that game too much when you see people from a new church proleystizing on the busiest intersection in town, holding a sign that says "Heaven or Hell?" and the first thought in your head is... "DUEL 1... LET'S ROCK!"

Song Verse of the Indeterminate Time Period, on or about 16 January 2K4

You juice your fuckin' friends like Dracula
But when we kick you out, you're just broke-ula
You left a big surprise from Pacific Bell
Called all your relatives and your friends in Hell
Now let me tell you something
You fuckin' piece of shit
You'll never have no money
Now tell me, was it worth it?
You leave a trail of lies
That's why you keep moving
We won't come after you
We'd only end up proving
In the end, revenge sends ends to the defendant
I know that statement's true
I wear it like a pendant
I know you'll hear this song
And so I think it's funny
The name is T-------- H----
Thief of trust and money

311
"Silver"
Grassroots (1994)

Real friends don't pay their friends for services rendered with rubber checks, and make them wait over five months (and counting) to make good on them.

You know who you are, fucktard.

A Farewell To Cockbites, or I Get Canned More Than Tuna

This was part of the mammoth post I had together until M$AIEEE decided it wanted to suck. Some of you already know that I got canned from the job I had the last time I wrote about the cockbite. What you may not already know is that it took me the better part of a month to find a replacement. I'll be frying rice at a supermarket chinese place for a while. Wish me luck...

Briefly...

• Chris, you're being too kind by wishing both cancer and AIDS upon your identity thief. Two words, my friend: Ebola Zaire.



• The Condemning Church has changed its name to something more friendly. The word I got was that the pastor made the initial name change to prove a point. I'll have a photo of the signs in front as soon as I can get a camera out there and scan the pic in.



• No new Red vs. Blue because the guys are snowed under in Chicago? FUCKING JIHAD ON COLD FRONTS!

Memewatch



Congratulations! You're Merry!

Which Lord of the Rings character and personality problem are you?
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You are naturally born with a gift, whether it be
poetry, writing or song. You love beauty and
creativity, and usually are highly intelligent.
Others view you as mysterious and dreamy, yet
also bold since you hold firm in your beliefs.

What Type of Soul Do You Have ?
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Which Guilty Gear X character are you?