Where Was This Shirt 2-3 Years Ago?

I am so getting one of these when I graduate bewt.

Introducing For One Night Only, The Lunch Counter Bastard From Hell

So, my last day at the Chinese Kitchen was this past Friday, and there was the usual bittersweet parting as my shift ran down for the last time. As I put it, "I won't miss the work, but I'll miss the people. (Yes, even you, [Femcockbite's real name deleted].)

But, as the title suggests, I got to blow off a little good-natured steam. I promised myself that I was going to Here's Your Sign the next person who asked if we had any bags to put purchases in. (Hello, we're in a freakin' grocery store?) And it didn't take long for me to collect...

[Customer] Do you have a sack?
[Me] Nope. We just have the cushions for the little chair (*waves to the filled bag stand*) we use when we get tired. Here's your sign.

By far my biggest pet peeve was when pigfuckerscustomers would simply blurt out the name of a food item, when it's obvious that there's more than one way to dish it up. And I got a little creative here...

[Pigfucker] Chicken Fried Rice!
[Me] Is this in a plate?
[Pigfucker] Yes.
[Me] Good. I'd hate to think I'd failed to read your mind correctly this time.

Let the record reflect that this marked the first time that I was actually flipped off by a Pigfucker.

Anyhow...

Memewatch

Cookie Monster's Bulimia Nervosa

Yes, cookies *are* good. But too much of anything
is never a good thing. Instead of bingeing and
purging, try to regulate your eating habits.
Maybe instead of having two dozen cookies, you
could have two. Also, you should slow down
your eating. Chew each bite several times
before swallowing. Eating more slowly makes it
easier to tell when you are full. And don't
worry about body image--people love you just
the way you are, googly eyes and all.


Which Sesame Street Muppet's Dark Secret Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla


Because There's Only 140 More Days Until Halo 2 Comes Out

Ricky (aka the Night Stocker of the Harley, shiny head and half-twisted half-bent sense of humor) has offered to sell me his old (gently-used) Xbox, Halo, extra controller, DVD playback kit, and memory card. I'm taking him up on the offer.

In Other News...

Rainbow Six 3 owns Boatswain's Mate 2/c Neal Ervin for free.

Sleazy Pun of the Indeterminate Time Period, 19 May 2K4

We get regulars, as often happens when you work for an operation like the one I work for (for the rest of this week, anyway). I swear, one of them, with the exceptions of being taller than me and having glasses, is a dead ringer for Hanover Fiste from the Heavy Metal movie (I don't consider the Julie Strain vehicle FAKK2 as a Heavy Metal movie, but let's move on). The set I ended up dropping this unintentional Sleazy Pun on is a married couple, empty-nesters (dime a dozen in Kerrville, but I digress). The wife just got back from seeing family in Alabama, and on her first day back, goes to the freakin' deli to get her repast. So, by agreement with her husband, I give her a good-natured hard time about it:

Me: What are you doing getting food from there? Does that look like real Chinese food to you?
Her: I just call it $STORE (store name changed to variable to protect the guilty) Food.
Me: I guess that's a safe way of putting it...

Chris Needs To Give His Network People A Swift Kick In The Firewalls

And Chris, the blog's in the same place as it ever was. Either email me or I'll email you before the end of the week.

Song of the Indeterminate Time Period, 18 May 2K4 (Part The First)

I'm a pimp, you can check my stats
And rollin' the Fleetwood, that's how I mack
I rock all the tracks, so the world knows
I love all the girls, smack all the hoes
Show love to those who come real with it
Life's a bitch, but I deal with it
I'm in it to win it like Yzerman
Can drink about fifteen Heinekens
I'm not born again, but if I was
I'd ask to come back with a little more love
Puffin' a Winston, drinkin' a four-oh
Kid Rock, and I'm 'a let ya know

I'll be sittin' here, just wasting time
Drinkin', smokin', thinkin'
Trying to free my mind
I'll be sittin' here, just wasting time
Drinkin', smokin'
Trying to free my mind

I spent a couple of months in this smoky room
Eatin' shrooms, drinkin' Boone's, writing tunes
And hoping to get
One of these motherfucking songs to hit
A little bit of love, that's all I need
A little inspiration in a bag of weed
A seed to plant, so my tree can grow
You know I left my girl, 'cause I don't need that--
Hold up, wait a minute, I'm about to flow
Like a breeze through the trees
You can watch me blow
Puffin' a Winston, drinkin' a four-oh
Kid Rock, and I'm 'a let ya know

I'll be sittin' here, just wasting time
Drinkin', smokin', thinkin'
Trying to free my mind
I'll be sittin' here, just wasting time
Drinkin', smokin'
Trying to free my mind

Oh yeah, oh yeah
Free my mind...

I ain't no rough guy, ain't no tough guy
Don't get out much, and don't dress up fly
A pawn in the game, that's all I am
Giving all my ducats to Uncle Sam (fuck it)
I'm free to do what I please, little lady
I was born at night, but not last night, baby
I've been around, seen some things
I slept in dumpsters, got high with kings
I know pretty much, ain't got a lot to say
But I've got more time than Morris Day
Puffin' a Winston, drinkin' a four-oh
Kid Rock, and I'm 'a let ya know

I'll be sittin' here, just wasting time
Drinkin', smokin', thinkin'
Trying to free my mind
I'll be sittin' here, just wasting time
Drinkin', smokin'
Trying to free my mind

I'll be sittin' here, just wasting time
Drinkin', smokin', thinkin'
Trying to free my mind
I'll be sittin' here, just wasting time
Drinkin', smokin'
Trying to free my mind

Wasting my time
Hey, I'm smokin'
Hey, I'm drinkin'
Tryin' to free my mind

I've been sittin' here, just wasting time
Drinkin', smokin'
Trying to free my mind

-- Kid Rock
"Wasting Time"
Devil Without A Cause (1998)

Song of the Indeterminate Time Period, 18 May 2K4 (Part The Second)

Drove downtown in the rain
9:30 on a Tuesday night
Just to check out the late-night record shop
Call it impulsive, call it compulsive
Call it insane
When I'm surrounded, I just can't stop
It's a matter of instincts, a matter of conditioning
A matter of fact
You can call me Pavlov's Dog
Ring a bell and I'll salivate
Now how'd ya like that?
Dr. Lendy, tell me you're not just a pedagogue

'Cause right now I'm...
Lying in bed, just like Brian Wilson did
Well, I'm...
Lying in bed, just like Brian Wilson did

So I'm lying here
Just staring at the ceiling tiles
And I'm thinking about
Oh, what to think about
Just listening and relistening
To Smiley Smile
And I'm wondering if this is some kind of creative drought

Because...
I'm lying in bed, just like Brian Wilson did
Well, I'm...
Lying in bed, just like Brian Wilson did

And if you wanna find me
I'll be out in the sandbox
Just wondering where the hell
All the love has gone
I'm playing my guitar and building
Castles in the sun
And singing 'Fun Fun Fun'

Lying in bed, just like Brian Wilson did
Well, I'm...
Lying in bed, just like Brian Wilson did

I had a dream
That I was three hundred pounds
And though I was very heavy
I floated 'til I couldn't see the ground
I floated 'til I couldn't see the ground
Somebody help me, I couldn't see the ground
(Somebody help me, I couldn't see the ground)
Somebody help me...

Because I'm...
Lying in bed, just like Brian Wilson did
Well, I'm...
Lying in bed, just like Brian Wilson did

Drove downtown in the rain
9:30 on a Tuesday night
Just to check out the late-night record shop
Call it impulsive, you can call it compulsive
You can call it insane
When I'm surrounded, I just can't stop...

-- Barenaked Ladies
"Brian Wilson"
Rock Spectacle (1997)

Song of the Indeterminate Time Period, 18 May 2K4 (Part The Third)

(We had a lot of pigfuckers stop by this evening, or couldn't you tell? So, for the express-hole who dumped a cart's worth of groceries on Maria, to the fat bitch who called me an idiot for following her mother's instructions, this one's for y'all)

Feelings
Nothing more than feelings
Trying to forget my
Feelings of hate

Imagine
Beating on your face
Trying to forget my
Feelings of hate

Feelings
For all my life I'll feel it
I wish I'd never met you
You'll make me sick again

Feelings, oh oh feelings
Of hate in my mind

Feelings
Feelings like I never liked you
Feelings like I want to kill you
Live in my heart

Feelings
Feelings like I wanna deck you
Feelings like I've gotta get you
Out of my life

Feelings, oh oh feelings
The hate's in my eyes

Feelings, oh oh feelings
You're not very nice

-- The Offspring
"Feelings"
Americana (1998)

LAMEST. COOKIE FORTUNE. EVER.

"Say 'bless you' when you hear someone sneeze."

Null defecation, this was my fortune cookie fortune from dinner tonight. Instead of printing the lucky numbers below it, they shoulda had "It's just common freakin' courtesy, okay?"

In other news, Derek Fisher can NEW JACK SWING ON MY NUTS. (dap to Butch Rosser for introducing that term into my vocabulary)

Pro-Lakers Refs Can Eat A Fat Dick

And now, the answers to the second 20 of the songmeme.

21) Hey... don't write yourself off yet / It's only in your head that you feel left out / Or looked down on
Jimmy Eat World, "The Middle" (Rik hits the blocks early here)

22) When they kick at your front door / How you gonna come? / With your hands on your head / Or on the trigger of your gun?
Dropkick Murphys covering The Clash's "The Guns Of Brixton"

23) When figures from the past stand tall / And mocking voices ring above / Imperialistic house of prayer / Conquistadors who took their share
Nine Inch Nails covering Joy Division's "Dead Souls"

24) Throw down the chains of oppression that bind you / With the air of freedom the flame grows bright / We are the strong, the youth united / We are one, we are children of the light
Queensryche, "Take Hold Of The Flame" (SKOAR~~! for Rob)

25) "I'm a'pickin'..." / "And I'm a'swingin'!" / "I'm ignorant!" / "And I'm ugly!"
Ren & Stimpy, "The Lord Loves A Hangin' (That's Why He Gave Us Necks)"

26) But what we've got / Is a blue-light special on truth / It's the hottest thing with the youth / You've got nerves we need to soothe
Information Society, "Peace & Love, Inc."

27) Your mind tricked you to feel the pain / Of someone close to you leaving the game... of life / So here it is, another chance / Wide awake, you face the day / The dream is over... or has it just begun?
Queensryche, "Silent Lucidity" (Rik does it again)

28) Just on the border of your waking mind / There lies another time / Where darkness and light are one / And as you tread the halls of sanity / You feel so glad to be / Unable to go beyond / I have a message from another time...
Electric Light Orchestra, "Twilight"

29) What makes a man? / Is it the woman in his arms? / Just 'cause she has big titties? / Or is it the way / He fights every day? / No, it's probably the titties
DVDA, "Now You're A Man"

30) I'm moppin' up the comp / That's short for 'competition' / I run my lyrics / Like the Irish Mob in Hell's Kitchen
House Of Pain, "House Of Pain Anthem" (Rik got the band, and I'll accept that)

31) I can tell just by the climate / And I can tell just by the style / I was born and raised on Venus / And I may be here a while / Cause every supersonic jerkoff / Who plugs into the game / Is just like every subatomic genius / Who just invented pain
Monster Magnet, "Negasonic Teenage Warhead"

32) Guilty as charged / I've been convicted and tried / Was it too much to ask / For you to take my side?
Treble Charger, "Brand New Low" (Rob T gets this one)

33) You could've had a V8 / Instead of a trey-eight slug to your cranium / I've got six, and I'm aimin' 'em
Ice Cube, "Check Yourself"

34) In a room beyond the view / You choose to tremble in / Reinventing Christ / Who died to make it make some sense
Systematic, "Deep Colors Bleed"

35) I thought it was just a matter of time / 'Til I had a hundred reasons not to think about you
The Cult, "Painted On My Heart"

36) Contrary to the matter / Who you are, you are not / Come with me, I'll show you Saturn / Planets don't quite align
Alien Ant Farm, "Courage"

37) You've treated me like I'm always this piece of shit / You think you're in control, but you make me sick
Stabbing Westward, "The Thing I Hate"

38) She clings to me like cellophane / Fake plastic submarine / Slowly driving me insane / But now that's over
SR-71, "Right Now" (SKOAR~~! for Rik)

39) You're perfect, yes, it's true / But without me, you're only you / Your menstruating heart / It ain't bleeding enough for two
Faith No More, "Midlife Crisis"

40) They fixed up the corner store like it was a nightclub / It's permanently disco
They Might Be Giants, "Man It's So Loud In Here"

Song of the Indeterminate Time Period, 12 May 2K4

Over and over, I keep wondering why
Then I give up and see that look in your eyes
'Cause if I trip and fall, I'll be to blame
And if I hit the wall, I'll still be the same

Wasting your time with your so-called friends
The ones you adore and the ones you pretend
And it's kind of sad and deranged
But it's not so bad that it can't be explained

'Cause in my mind, it's all a waste of time
And there's no excuse at all
And I realize
Surprise, you were right all along

And I wanna know
Have I gone too far?
Have I sunk to a brand new low?
And I wanna know
If I've gone too far
'Cause I've lost all my self-control

Guilty as charged, I've been convicted and tried
Was it too much to ask for you to take my side?
'Cause there's nothing here to defend
When it's always me that you blame in the end

'Cause in my mind, it's the perfect crime
And there's no excuse at all
When I realize
Surprise, you were right all along

And I wanna know
Have I gone too far?
Have I sunk to a brand new low?
And I wanna know
If I've gone too far
'Cause I've lost all my self-control

Nothing is what it seems... to me
We're sleeping without the dreams
Without you, nothing defines me
When I'm slipping away
It's only you that can find me
And I'm over my head again
I'm falling from end to end

And I wanna know
Have I gone too far?
And I wanna know
Have I gone too far?
And I wanna know
If I've gone too far
'Cause I've lost all my self-control
'Cause I've lost all my self-control
Now I've sunk to a brand new low
(brand new low)
There's nothing to do without you
(brand new low)
There's nothing in here without you
(brand new low)
I'm slipping away without you
Have I sunk to a brand new low?

-- Treble Charger
"Brand New Low"
Wide Awake Bored (2001)

(and #32 on the Son of Songmeme list. Sorry, everybody, but Rob got it right first.)

Class Is Now In Session

The answers to the first twenty of the songmeme...

1) Turn your television off / And I will sing a song / And if you suddenly have the urge / You can sing along...
Nickelback, "Leader Of Men" (My man Rik got this one)

2) No, you needn't shed a tear / 'Cause I've got waffles and I've got beer / And I've got Mr. Belvedere...
Nerf Herder, "Welcome To My World"

3) And though my stomach may be empty / I'll feed my head from a horn of plenty...
The Uninvited, "Too High For The Supermarket"

4) And if you want to find me / I'll be out in the sandbox / Just wondering where the hell / All the love has gone...
Barenaked Ladies, "Brian Wilson"

5) Take a loaded gun and blow my fantasy away / Turn off the lights and shine the spotlight down on you...
Cold, "It's All Good"

6) We search for the truth / We could die upon the tooth / But the thrill of just the chase is worth the pain...
Dio, "The Last In Line"

7) Living on the road, my friend / Is going to keep you free and clean / Now you wear your skin like iron / And your breath as hard as kerosene...
Willie Nelson & Merle Haggard, "Pancho & Lefty"

8) "Banks and banks of humming machines! I've never seen so many knobs!"
The Propellerheads, "Bang On!"

9) Everybody always wants control over me / The only way to get it's over my dead body...
Winger, "Battle Stations"

10) Been a poor man all his life / And just when things were going right / Some stranger takes his woman away / Doesn't know if he'll see another day...
Blackfoot, "Diary Of A Workingman"

11) Whoops! Sorry about that / It's just an accident / Revenge, nobody forgets / Chop it into bits...
Faith No More, "The Perfect Crime" (all right, this and the Winger song I can't blame for snookerin' y'all since they were only found on the Bill & Ted's Bogus Journey soundtrack, one of the most underrated soundtracks EVAR in retrospect.)

12) She just woke up, but she's still tired / Is that the telephone ringing?...
Mr. Big, "Green-Tinted Sixties Mind"

13) Have you lived the experience? / Have you witnessed the plague? / People making babies sometimes just to escape...
Bad Religion, "Punk Rock Song"

14) You got to learn how to pray, love won't be enough / Admit it now, your information sucks...
The Wallflowers, "Everybody Out Of The Water (New Frontier)"

15) Between the velvet lies / There's a truth as hard as steel / The vision never dies / Life's a never-ending wheel...
Dio, "Holy Diver"

16) But sometimes the shit just seems / Everbody only wants to discuss me / So this must mean I'm dis-gust-ing / But that's just me, I'm just obscene...
Eminem, "Without Me" (Circle gets the square, Salinn!)

17) Apocalypse now, walls of flame / Billowing smoke, who's to blame / Forged from steel, iron will / Shit for brains, born to kill...
KMFDM, "Son Of A Gun"

18) And you said, 'make the world scared' / Come on, show me the sign of victory...
Accept, "Balls To The Wall" (Rik, hang your head in shame, brah! This song's on YOUR playlist!)

19) What was that move that they taught in self-defense? / You block the killer's knife move with some confidence...
Nonpoint, "What A Day" (Rik does get this one right, however)

20) And the lights, turn them off, my friend / And the ghost... will just let them in / Because in the dark, it's easier... to see...
Savatage, "When The Crowds Are Gone"

Cockbites Will Eat Themselves

So Cockbite says to me the other night that Femcockbite is starting to turn her attentions onto him. It seems to be her way, to try to be the boss of everyone. Fortunately, I won't have to deal with either for much longer.

Oh, For Fuck's Sake...

As I pointed out in "Dishmover My Butt", Dish Network's a little slow in getting one's dish moved. Now we find that they're also glacial in fixing problems with the dish. One of the transmitter heads on our dish's feedhorn went belly-up, and now we can't get some of our channels. The techs were more than happy to send somebody out...

Provided we can live without those missing channels until the 24th.

Son of the Songmeme

So interesting I'm lobbing 20 more atcha. Some of them are covers, so I'll accept either the original artist or the cover band I have the mp3 of.

21) Hey... don't write yourself off yet / It's only in your head that you feel left out / Or looked down on

22) When they kick at your front door / How you gonna come? / With your hands on your head / Or on the trigger of your gun?

23) When figures from the past stand tall / And mocking voices ring above / Imperialistic house of prayer / Conquistadors who took their share

24) Throw down the chains of oppression that bind you / With the air of freedom the flame grows bright / We are the strong, the youth united / We are one, we are children of the light

25) "I'm a'pickin'..." / "And I'm a'swingin'!" / "I'm ignorant!" / "And I'm ugly!"

26) But what we've got / Is a blue-light special on truth / It's the hottest thing with the youth / You've got nerves we need to soothe

27) Your mind tricked you to feel the pain / Of someone close to you leaving the game... of life / So here it is, another chance / Wide awake, you face the day / The dream is over... or has it just begun?

28) Just on the border of your waking mind / There lies another time / Where darkness and light are one / And as you tread the halls of sanity / You feel so glad to be / Unable to go beyond / I have a message from another time...

29) What makes a man? / Is it the woman in his arms? / Just 'cause she has big titties? / Or is it the way / He fights every day? / No, it's probably the titties

30) I'm moppin' up the comp / That's short for 'competition' / I run my lyrics / Like the Irish Mob in Hell's Kitchen

31) I can tell just by the climate / And I can tell just by the style / I was born and raised on Venus / And I may be here a while / Cause every supersonic jerkoff / Who plugs into the game / Is just like every subatomic genius / Who just invented pain

32) Guilty as charged / I've been convicted and tried / Was it too much to ask / For you to take my side?

33) You could've had a V8 / Instead of a trey-eight slug to your cranium / I've got six, and I'm aimin' 'em

34) In a room beyond the view / You choose to tremble in / Reinventing Christ / Who died to make it make some sense

35) I thought it was just a matter of time / 'Til I had a hundred reasons not to think about you

36) Contrary to the matter / Who you are, you are not / Come with me, I'll show you Saturn / Planets don't quite align

37) You've treated me like I'm always this piece of shit / You think you're in control, but you make me sick

38) She clings to me like cellophane / Fake plastic submarine / Slowly driving me insane / But now that's over

39) You're perfect, yes, it's true / But without me, you're only you / Your menstruating heart / It ain't bleeding enough for two

40) They fixed up the corner store like it was a nightclub / It's permanently disco

Answers later this week...

More Insidious Than The Sasser Worm

There's a meme going around several blogs of my friends who prefer LiveJournal for their blogging needs, and it's found its way to me. You take 20 random songs out of your playlist, quote a lyric from each, and see if people guess right.

1) Turn your television off / And I will sing a song / And if you suddenly have the urge / You can sing along...

2) No, you needn't shed a tear / 'Cause I've got waffles and I've got beer / And I've got Mr. Belvedere...

3) And though my stomach may be empty / I'll feed my head from a horn of plenty...

4) And if you want to find me / I'll be out in the sandbox / Just wondering where the hell / All the love has gone...

5) Take a loaded gun and blow my fantasy away / Turn off the lights and shine the spotlight down on you...

6) We search for the truth / We could die upon the tooth / But the thrill of just the chase is worth the pain...

7) Living on the road, my friend / Is going to keep you free and clean / Now you wear your skin like iron / And your breath as hard as kerosene...

8) "Banks and banks of humming machines! I've never seen so many knobs!"

9) Everybody always wants control over me / The only way to get it's over my dead body...

10) Been a poor man all his life / And just when things were going right / Some stranger takes his woman away / Doesn't know if he'll see another day...

11) Whoops! Sorry about that / It's just an accident / Revenge, nobody forgets / Chop it into bits...

12) She just woke up, but she's still tired / Is that the telephone ringing?...

13) Have you lived the experience? / Have you witnessed the plague? / People making babies sometimes just to escape...

14) You got to learn how to pray, love won't be enough / Admit it now, your information sucks...

15) Between the velvet lies / There's a truth as hard as steel / The vision never dies / Life's a never-ending wheel...

16) But sometimes the shit just seems / Everbody only wants to discuss me / So this must mean I'm dis-gust-ing / But that's just me, I'm just obscene...

17) Apocalypse now, walls of flame / Billowing smoke, who's to blame / Forged from steel, iron will / Shit for brains, born to kill...

18) And you said, 'make the world scared' / Come on, show me the sign of victory...

19) What was that move that they taught in self-defense? / You block the killer's knife move with some confidence...

20) And the lights, turn them off, my friend / And the ghost... will just let them in / Because in the dark, it's easier... to see...